Weathering the storm pt.1

My mother and I have been going through it. Our relationship through the years have been getting stronger but with me telling her that I'm a lesbian our relationship has gotten worse. She tells me that my girlfriend is hindering me from finding a good man to marry and have children with. She also tells me that I cannot be who I am because it is not right and my soul is on the line. 

I've tried to talk to her and explain to her how this is not my choosing but she says it is. It has been difficult to know that my mother does not accept me as who I am. She also thinks that who I am is because of the influences I had in college and she feels bad that she let me go away for undergrad. I don't know how to make my mother understand me and it hurts me inside to know that my mother is fighting a battle that Is not hers to fight. She even thinks my involvement with my sister is too much for my sister to handle at her teenage age. 

I am thinking about moving out thinking that that will make it easier on my mother and I. If we dont see each other everyday then maybe she can get through it with the many other problems she is carrying on her shoulders. But with moving my sister and I may loose the time we share because of my mother thinking that who I am is too much for my sister.

Right now I have no idea how to get through to my mother my words are not enough for her and my actions are too much for her to handle. I knew that my mother taking it well was only a phase and although I had time to prepare there really was not anything I could have done to prepare for this. 

90 day evaluation

it's been 3 months since my girlfriend and I have been official (as I like to call it). I can't say that it has been perfect but I can say it has been an journey. Everyday we learn something about each other and it is refreshing to know that I don't know everything. We've taken a couple of trips together to Atlantic City, NJ; Alexandria, VA; Rehoboth Beach, DE; and Maryland's Eastern Shore. I've met all her friends and some family as well, she has met my sister and one of my besties. I can say that we have fun together, she and I have taught each other alot about what we know and dont know. She has open me up to her world as a lesbian and I've open her up to mine. 

We work at the same job but not together and I am not out at work so our co workers dont know about her and I. This has caused a lot of frustration because since I am the new girl and no one knows I am a lesbian everyone talks to my girlfriend about me. Since I got there a couple of months ago the guys have started a bet on me and supposedly there is a big pot involved for the person that sleeps with me first. I can say my girlfriend has taken this really well considering the remarks they've made about me. But her and I agreed it would be soo much easier not to let anyone know. Through that our relationship has been getting stronger. 

I hope that our relationship continues to get stronger through the obstacles we might face in the future.

M.I.A.

Well it has been 7 months since I've been home. I've just finished my first semester in graduate school and although it was challenging I can say I made it through. This semester was not educationally challenging besides the expectations they had on writing skills. I felt like i was picked on by two of my professors who happened to be friends. They told my classmates that I should drop out of the program and that they are very concerned with my performance although I was doing what they asked of me. It got to a point that I broke down and cried knowing that even though I've done everything they still held my grade in their hands. I tried to go over their head and talked to the head of the graduate school program with no luck. 

This reminded me of Journey to Enlightenment's story about how in her program she was treated similar. I really did feel helpless at this point and I knew that they only way I could win this battle is to make sure my writing and work could speak for its self. Thats what I did and I ended up passing those two classes but I know that I would have to cross paths again with one or both of them before I graduate in 2010. 

I've been juggling 2 full-time jobs (school and work) and a part-time job (internship). It's been so time consuming that I haven't had time to really relax. No writing besides school work and no fun. So this winter break although short is going to be my mini vacation. I and going to catch up on some reading, relaxation, writing, and a couple of fun nights partying. I think it is well earned and I will try not to let my problems from this semester get in the way.

Coming Out...

So I am coming out to my family and friends... 

I told my little sister first because she and I are really close to each other. She was not shocked cause supposedly I've said things to hint at the fact that I don't like men. 

The second person I told was my girlfriend we met in college and have been friends for the past 5 years. She took it bad, cried, upset, and disappointed. She stopped talking to me for a while and when she came to she still couldn't understand but was kinda sorta accepting on top of a whole bunch of stereotypical question. 

I then told my mother next and at first she did not take it bad. She told me she knew that I got "introduced" to homosexuality in 2005. For the next couple of weeks it was alright. Here and there she would have stereotypical questions but thats all. 

The forth person I told was one of my guy friends. I thought he would take it the worst cause lately he has been growing and things he has said made me think he would take it bad. But I told him and he was pretty much like soo... when am I going to meet her.  I was glad he  took it so well cause I didn't think that I would have been able to take another bad experience. 

My other guy friend and I have been talking about this for the longest and I know that he has no problem with me being a lesbian cause he has said it and has openly talked to me about me. 

I know I have more things to go through but Im ready...

Stressed

I've been working at my job for the last 5 months and it is getting stressful with the type of job that I have. At a moments notice things change and I am doing overtime til things get situated, but this is the job I signed up for. With classes and my internship on top of that Im pulling more than 70hrs a week with only one day off to study. It is starting to get to me. I even started talking about finding a new job, I'm conflicted though. I am a very committed person and when I sign up for something it's for a while. On top of me liking what I do with these teens its hard to find a way to give it up. I know I can find another job like this but with the ties I've made so far it just makes me think. 

In my internship it is really frustrating, I have nothing to do and am pretty much an administrative assistant (not what I am going to school for). I've tried to advocate for myself talking to the appropriate people on top of everybody that will listen. I can't seem to find a way to get moved once again. My supervisor at my internship is never there and has no contact with me besides the occasional pop in with a Hello. I've asked to talk to her many times but communicating with her is nearly impossible. My internship advocate is friends with my supervisor so every time I come to him about something he covers for her. 

As of right now I feel like all the planning I did last semester was a waste cause nothing is really working out for me. I know that is life and its not supposed to work out exactly as planned but it feels like most things about moving back home is not working out. I am hoping that it is just a little speed bump that I am going through.

I am stressed...

Oh those motherly instincts...

You know as a kid when you did something and you had it set in your head that your mom will never find out but some how she does? She doesn't let you know but she drops suttle hints but not on purpose? Well I am kinda getting the hint that my mother's motherly instinct is kicking in. My mother is worrying more than usual which is pretty normal for her at times but she told me today that in what ever i do consult God and not to commit to something unless I am sure. 

It got me thinking on how much my mother knows about me and what she meant by the comment she made. I asked her but she told me just in general and would not explain any further. If she only knew I had so much to talk to her about. I feel like she would be such a friend to talk to in good or bad times but my sister who knows about me told me it wouldn't be a good idea cause she doesn't want to be band from seeing me or I her. I love my sister to death so for her I've been holding my tongue and its hard but ive been doing it.

Like I said before, since high school my mother always wanted me to become a nun. And now I think about that and how if she thought she knew about me then that would make a little sense for her to say, at least to me. My mom is a great person and I am her child so it is hard for me not to tell her anything. She tells me so much and teaches me even more but I feel like I am shutting a part of me off. In turn to protect my relationship with my sister and my mom from worrying about me on a religious sense. 

I asked her if she was open minded and I told her to think about the question and not to respond right away. Even though my mom answered my question about her being openminded and she said she was I didn't really believe her though. I felt like she was just saying that to get information from me. I can't wait until the time is right to talk to my mother. I am not sure that the she will be alright with it, but I am and that is all that matters to me. My mother's acceptance would be good but it's not mandatory...

Cry!

Sometimes you need a good cry things get frustrating and all you can do is cry about it. Monday evening I had that cry about all my frustrations with school, my family, work and just life. It sometimes gets to me and I can't help but to cry. I work so hard to make things great, I realize that I cannot plan everything. But even though I realize that, I still get disappointed that things don't work out the way I planned. 

But the thing is I'm happy I had the best time on Monday and I had someone to cry on and listen to all those problems I had. She encouraged me and let me know that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. At that point I realized I really did have someone special that no one could have been better fitting to walk into my life. From monday to now not much has changed besides the affirmation I got from my partner and thats good enough for me.