Struggling

Hey beautiful people! It has been a long long while. It has been an unexpected hiatus. I am not sure if this hiatus is over but I hope it will be soon. I've been struggling with my thoughts. I've tried to blog about it but I end up with nothing to say. I'm not sure where to start but when I figure that out you will be the first one to hear about it. Anyway hear is the latest:
- Work is great and I like what I do.
- I'm all moved into my apartment but it's kind of naked in my living room and kitchen. I'm saving up for a new living room set and a great office for my kitchen.
- I gave my sister her car although she cannot drive it alone just yet (she only has her permit).
- I got a new car to me. My ex says it is quite the gay car. It's a 1995 Subaru Legacy station wagon stick shift. I named it Rusty. I like it so far :)
- It was a mutual agreement but I'm companionless. It is taking some getting used to.
- I did not expect that I would have such a hard time adjusting to being alone because I love my solitude. But somedays it is hard not to think about all the people that were in my life on a daily basis that are no longer.
- I'm bored and lonely which is never a good combination. My remedy is to find something to do. My plans :
~Get a cat.
~Find an ice skating rink close to my apartment.
~Learn how to play the Djembe. I'm not sure if I will take lessons or teach myself.
~Maybe take up kick boxing or karate (maybe).
~Go out more.
~I'm planning on planning a vacation

- My sister and mom are having a hard time adjusting to me not being home but I think it may be good for their relationship.
- My younger brother is in the process of moving to California to live a simplistic lifestyle.
- My dad is making an effort now to be apart of our lives and I'm hoping it's not too late for us.
- Life is overwhelming at times but overall life is good.

Becoming friends with an ex

Hey beautiful people. I'm coming to you with a question/semi-rant. How do you feel about becoming friends with an ex of yours? I am struggling with this question for many reasons one being blurry lines. In most situations if it is determined that you two are going to establish a relationship, there are lines set determining what is appropriate to do or say after a break up. But what happens if those lines are blurred? How do you fix that or deem the friendship as a bad idea?

In my case all but one of my serious relationships turned into friendships after we broke up. I do not see a problem with this because I know that it is strictly a friendship. A couple of times I caught them being inappropriate it was changed and we moved on. All in all the friendships have worked out. We are not the call everyday type of friends but a call here and there never hurts.

The one ex I am not friends with is very challenging for me. She wants to become friends but every time I try to become friends with her she wants to pretty much know my life story since we broke up. Specifically asking questions like: are you single?, Who is she?, What does she look like?, What are you doing with yourself?, I miss you, type stuff. If only you all can hear her when she says it, it's like she needs that information so that she can function in the world. If I do not tell her... oh she will try and find out things about me. I understand that friendships are about sharing but it's never about interrogation or investigation. Maybe one day we can be friends but right now it's not happening.


I'm not saying that it is ever a good idea to become friends with your ex. It just kind of happened with me. So considering boundaries/lines how do you feel about becoming friends with an ex of yours?
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(originally written 05/29/08)

Sometimes i wonder how two of my friends in particular can really be my friends. It is said that you are friends with people that have similar aspirations or something in common with you but I'm not sure what exactly it is. Besides us knowing each other soo well I have nothing in common with them. I appreciate their friendship and glad that I know them.

Crazy Girls Rant II (original post date 8/26/09)

So I come to you all again to talk to you about crazy girls cause for some reason one blog was just not enough... at least not for me. The topic has come up again and I wanted to blog about it. So I have a couple of questions... What do you consider crazy? Have you ever dealt with someone who turned out to be crazy? and How did you shake her?

I know that sometimes when you get into a long term committed relationship it crushes you when the relationship ends but usually there is not anything left to say or do to change what has happened. Most people walk away (sometimes with a broken heart) and eventually get over all the questions that they did not get a chance to ask because they usually realize that they got over her without answers. But there are those people that cannot get over the ending of the relationship. They cannot get the hint that the relationship is over and there is nothing that they could have done to salvage it.

These people sometimes become obsessed, stalker-ish, and dangerous. This is never a good look for them but to me it seems like they are too obsessed with the situation at hand that they do not realize the what they are doing. (At least you hope they do not realize what they are doing.)

I think a crazy person is:
1) Someone who won't let go
2) She has problems listening to you (not just hearing)
3) Quick tempered
4) Someone who persistantly follows your every move on social networking sites
5) When you have a feeling that they may show up at your home, work, school, or any location and cause a scene... MAJOR PROBLEM!

You usually do not get exposed to the crazy side in the beginning of a relationship but sometimes you just may ignore it or not even realize the signs of crazy.

Twice I was oblivious to the crazy signs. How? you might ask... I have no idea how I missed it but I did... or did I? Some people say that there are signs early on but not for everyone is there? At least I do not think everyone has the signs but that just maybe me being bias.

My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

Friends

During my everyday observation of strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family I've realized there are some who have lifetime, season, and moment friends. The friends/ acquaintances that I know who have lifetime friends are very similar to the socialization between the girls in Sex in the City. In school I saw a lot of season friends using each other to all "get by". Most people "lose touch" with our friends when we move on to high school, college, jobs, or marriage.

It is the craziest thing to me to "lose touch" with someone you were close to just a few months ago. But I guess its not hard to just let life go on, right? When I was younger and still today I think in "wholeness" similar to an equation. Like with (+) or without (-) a person makes me (=) whole. For example I cried to my mother for years telling her that "its not right, even, or fair that I didn't have a little sister". It was like I was not ME without her. I know I would have been a completely different person without her. My wholeness constantly depends on my self-growth and others' wholeness.

I find it hard to accept friends moving on from me or anyone because they were such a part of me and my everyday life and now they are not. I feel like in some way it diminishes/ taints who I was with them in some way. Maybe I did something to lead them to the point of "no return". I just find it hard to accept the end of a once strong relationship.

Question

Do you believe in soul mates?



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Oh Family!

I know everyone has family drama and it just seems like it never goes away and when you all get together it really seems tense. Well that will be my graduation day and I'm so not looking forward to it. The reason *hit will hit the fan is because if it wasn't for me none of these people would ever come together. In a nutshell it will be tension coming from my mom to my dad, my younger brother to my dad and uncle, my sister... Well you get the picture! I really don't want to go through this on my day but I am preparing for it to happen.

If I had the balls to say anything besides "let's just all get along for me on my big day", I would want to say to brother A: how can you be so heartless. You act like we pooped in your cereal. My mother: GET OVER IT! Its been practically 15 years! Entitlement is bull*hit! Brother B: you have a right to be mad but you can't start healing unless you deal with it. Sister: please don't get tangled in this mess! Dad: you are a dick and your brother is more of a father to us than you are! Grow up and be a father! And last but not least sister in law: mind your business! Some things you need to just let it be!

I feel so much better! I just hope that saturday all of that doesn't come out and we can eat a whole meal in peace.

I realize family drama will never go away unless I remove myself from it and I refuse to do that because they are all good people despite the drama and I love them.

On a good note... Yay! My brother is coming to town! My uncle is the best! Yay! I'm graduating!


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Missing a friend

Last week my ex-bestie posted some pictures up on facebook. I hadn't heard from her or seen her in almost a year. When I saw the pictures on my facebook news feed I got sad. I asked myself who, what, when, where, and how did we become so distant? I came up empty with every question. I assumed things but I have not one definitive answer to why we are not friends.

I know she took my coming out hard (she cried...?) and after that it seemed to go down hill. Probably due to the fact that I am a lesbian... Or maybe I waited too long to tell her... It really could be anything. I've been told that she was a bad friend for just leaving me hanging like this. But I still miss her... I really do! I have friends now that are awesome but they are just not the ex-bestie.

I was thinking about my past friendships and I've come to realize a trend. I am usually friends with them for a couple of years then something happens to end our friendship. It must be me right?...Yes I know in relationships with individuals there are moments, seasons, and lifetimes. All I've encountered so far are moments and seasons. I have hopes for lifetime but it has not worked out. Hmph...

I was told that I have high expectations for everyone around me. I thought about it and realized that statement is totally untrue. I expect all people to be themselves and do things of their nature. Sometimes that means they choose not to change even if there might be a need for change. In general I think that there are standards that we set for the people we surround ourselves with.

I've been thinking about what general standards I have for the people in my life, I found it to be difficult. I think because I am open minded and willing to learn from anybody I meet. But this is what I came up with. First mean what you say... I do believe what you say so if you say you are going to change then do so. Yes I know change is a process and I will be there to support you, but with me actions speak so much louder than words. Second be a good friend, that's all I'll expect from you. Third I am an advocate for people who do not have a voice and if I could I would volunteer all the time. So if you have a problem with my kind heart then we can't be friends, cause its more than my profession.

So this is where I am. I doubt that I will call her cause she has her reasons. I just wanted to get it off my chest.



~Evolving

learning

Well ladies I did it again. I honestly did not want to do that again. But I can honestly say I learned from it. I am not sure that anyone wants to hear that from their ex, date, lover, or friend but it is the truth.

Last year (read this) was a little rocky for me and i appreciate it because it made me stronger and wiser. I hope for more strength and wisdom this year. I hope I can learn and improve myself from the mistakes I've made. I know that communication is an issue but it is being worked out. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a prick in order to get my point across and that is not in my personality. I am a people pleaser and I've realized that in order for someone to take me seriously things need to change. I'm 25 and I hope to have alot more learning and if I do not I enjoyed what learning I had.

Sorry ladies this post is confusing but I choose not to focus any more on the "should have dones" and the "if I coulds"... I want to focus on the "what I learned" and the "loving, laughing, and living I enjoyed". Apologizes said, no regrets, and no take backs, it is just me learning. My 2010 anthem is still rocking in the background and although people do not like it. It is for me! "Because you never know where life is going to take you and you can't change where you've been but today I have the opportunity to choose. I choose!"

The battle within remix

When planning your life sometimes you take into consideration that you cannot control everything or situation that may occur. For me I struggle with the unknown at least with matters of the heart. It is a very vital organ of everyone and thing's body. We use our heart to survive and without it we cannot. My job is to protect my heart in anyway possible because if it is damaged or I am without it I am not me.

I try to keep my heart out of harm's way but as I said before you cannot plan for everything. Right now I've come to find my heart involved in a situation I did not plan for. And it is becoming difficult to get out of dodge and change courses. My heart wants to stay but my mind knows it is best for me to move.

For once I am letting my heart win and even though my mind did not win it will still be there to protect my heart.

A Summer's End

Hello beautiful womyn! I know it has been a long while since I posted a read, I've been on hiatus. I wanted to give you a final update on my summer and let you know I am back! So let me give you a summary of my summer since it is pretty much over for me.

I did not have much time to myself to enjoy the beautiful summer because I completed two summer courses. The courses at the end of it all only left me with a couple of weeks of free time which ended being errand time for me to prepare for the fall. But I did get to see Tracy Chapman perform live as well as Natalie Stewart. The Tracy Chapman concert was such a wonderful experience! She is completely amazing, It was a memorable experience and I hope to see her live again. I wish I got a picture with her but maybe next time.

I start classes in on Monday and although I am excited to graduate, I wish I had a little more time to play. But I am ready to get back into the swing of things and I am ready to learn (nerdy right?). The good news is I am planning a vacation to Vegas in January around my birthday so I am really looking forward to that. I also want to plan a cruise/vacation to celebrate me graduating but I am not sure where I want to go just yet. Any ideas?

On a not so great note I lost another friend this summer. What is up with that two summers in a row? I am pretty bummed about it because I know there is no repairing it this time. I've know this friend since my freshman year in college and it is hard to see us part. But I know things happen for a reason and this was out of my control. As I lost this friend I did end up gaining another one and I am grateful for this new friend.

So as I say goodbye to summer 2009 I am welcoming new experiences, change, and learning in fall 2009.

Just exploring Evolving....

Question

Hello beautiful womyn! I am currently working on some semester final papers due in a couple of days. This means a hold on The Fantasy... until the papers get done (4 maybe 5 days). So in the mean time I have a question.

If you are going out with a friend or friends to a movie, dinner, or dancing/club, how much would you disclose when you are in a relationship or just dating? Do you give her the answer to Who, What, When, Where, and How?

I brought this up because I read No Love Lost by A Brown Girl (check it out!). She talked about “just dating” and how sometimes dating may not turn into relationships.

So are there differences in disclosure for dating than in relationships?

I would think so because if I were in a relationship with someone I would tell all… to an extent. Not a “keeping secrets” extent but a “trust me” extent. I want the person that I am with to trust ME to do the right thing, not my friends.

As for dating, I would not tell all. If there is openness to our communication, there should not be a problem with whom I am hanging out. It should be understood that dating is exactly what it is dating.

So tell me ladies what would you do?

Lesbians and Polygamy/Polyamory

I like Big Love I have not been able to watch the latest season but I cannot wait to catch up. Since I started to watch the show I thought about polygamy/polyamory in the lesbian community. Polygamy is not in the media theses days but we know it exists. Although Dalilah from Cherry Bomb mentioned her own polyamorous relationship, I really don't hear too much about it in the LGBTQ community. But I know it exists.

So How do you feel about polygamy/polyamory?

As a lesbian and a person of color I believe that in our LGBTQ community there should not be any discrimination within our community. We should support all in our community and not push them away. Internalized homophobia is not okay. This statement is only how I feel, but I know there are people in the LGBTQ community who do discriminate on their own.

Femme_Fluff talked about how the African-American lesbian community think it is soo taboo to see stud on stud relationships. But there is no problem with femme on femme relationships. (Who cares who I am sleeping with! It's my business!) We are supposed to be "family" but we sometimes don't act like we are family.

This is what the LGBTQ community is fighting for with Prop 8, but we cannot seem to accept our own. Just like we have a long way to go with same-sex marriage. I feel that we have a longer way to go with our own community accepting everyone "just the way they are". How are WE supposed to be accepted by mainstream if WE don't accept each other?

I would personally not have a problem with a polyamorous/polygamous relationship. I would of course make sure for me and everyone else involved that there is a clear understanding of the rules of the relationship. To ensure that no one will get "hurt" in the process.

So tell me how you feel...

Mind Reading Love

A couple of days ago Nona J. asked me a question about my question post. At first I did not understand what she meant by the question so I sent her a private message asking her what she meant by the question she asked. She explained to me a little about where she was coming from with the question then she rephrased it to say: Do you think love is fair without risks?

Thinking about it I would say no I don't think that love is fair without risks. I say this because I believe that loving someone is a big risk but it also has big rewards if the person loves you back. Love is also one of the biggest situations that you have to let yourself be vulnerable just for the sake of your own happiness.

Love's vulnerability is frightening. You put so much trust in the other person with your own created emotions. Really? That's love! When being vulnerable you put all your cards on the table and more. You share your deepest secrets with the hope that in return your partner shares some of their own deepest secrets.

The downfall to taking such a risk is not getting the reward of love from your partner back. It is easy to know and understand your own emotions however crazy they maybe, you know them. You really do not know how your partner thinks or feels about you... You can only ask and trust that she will be honest with you.

Loving someone is wonderful. You have all these emotions inside of you but you cannot describe the emotions in words, they flood your body and joy escapes. Like I said earlier love is a risk and we do take risks in life but for Evolving this is a big risk.

I believe that NO two people can be deeply in love with each other in the same way at the same exact moment. The only way I think that this is possible is if you are the person in love and you also are a very talented mind reader.

I am not saying two people cannot be in love because I see it everyday and it is soo beautiful. But I believe that love between two people are always slightly different. In life we express ourselves in many different ways. We taste, feel, see, smell, and hear things differently, although there are similarities there are also differences. Which in turn makes in quite impossible for two people to love the same exact way in the same exact moment (at least in my book).

What do you think about love? What has your experience been?

Question

If I don't trust myself to love you, how can I trust you to love me in return?

Going through...

I have been on a mission to talk to all of my friends (close and not so close) just to see how everyone is doing. I've talked to a few and it seems like all of them are at a turning point in their lives. They all have said that they feel like life is getting too hard for them and they feel like they are going to break down.

I was glad I called them if only I was a listening ear to them and if some how I consoled them. After getting off the phone with them I felt guilty like I have not been the friend that they needed. I felt like I was a let down and extremely self centered. I thought to myself and asked myself a whole lot of questions. Why didn't I call? When was the last time we spoke? How did it get like this? Questions at that moment and it seems even now I do not have the answers to them.

So I thought and realized that I never really learned (if it is possible to do so) how to be a friend. From preschool to now I am still learning how to be a friend. Back then not so much learning cause I did not have any friends, I did my own thing in school. But now I am learning.

You would think that in my profession it would be set in stone on how to talk to people and be a friend but that is not the case. We learn as social workers to be empathetic and sympathetic in just the right mixture to not seem too invasive for a moment or forever. I would say just the right mixture and a couple of trial and errors would make the perfect social worker.

Even though the book says this and you could test me on it, I still feel like a horrible friend. I care about people and their situations more than I tend to care about myself but when the moment or situation is over, I don't know what to do next. Conversations with me tend to get quite routine and going out all the time is not really my cup of tea.

Saying "I care" and "I am always here for you" is never enough to me because it just feels like "I Love You"... It is said so so sooo much that it kind of loses its essence. When talking to someone I don't want to sound like a broken record or they think I am saying something just cause that it the "appropriate" thing to say. I sometimes feel that way and its not a great feeling. All I can think in a time like that is they don't really care do they?

At times when I call my friends they are busy in their own lives. They do not have time for even a little chit chat. So i end up getting into my cocoon and shutting everyone out. Then there are times like these when I call a friend and they pretty much ask me why wasn't I there for them when they needed me... All I can say is I'm sorry I'll try to be there in the future. Do they believe me?

I need to work on my communication, I know it sucks terribly.

Just exploring Evolving...

So I am 80% sure that I did not make much sense to you. I am not sure if it will ever make sense. This one is definitely for me! I am not on the same page or even chapter as you. I hear what you say and it sounds so sweet but I feel like I am running a mile a minute just to catch up to you.

I would love to be there right next to you, but I am not there. Frankly a month from now I feel like I will still be chasing your shadow. All the sacrifices you are willing to make for me is AMAZING! I want to do the same for you but right now I can't.

I am kicking myself because I should have known that I was not ready for something like this. But I felt ready, I thought my feelings for you were enough... I realize that it is not enough.

In my head all I hear is I can't, I can't, I can't... It's not that I don't want to it's not that I haven't tried. I need time not only everyday time, but mentally I need time. I need time to be clear headed and prepared. I don't even know if it is possible to be prepared. But I'll try to find out.

You know I cannot go feet first without thinking it through. You said that was smart but weird at the same time. This is actually for me, I need time to play catch up. No matter what other messages I give you this is what I need.

I hope you can understand...

God, Family, School, and everything else

I worry too much. In high school my principal told me that in whatever you do this is the order 1. God, 2. Family, 3. School, 4. and everything else... That really stuck to me and now I am 24yrs old 6 years out of high school and I still follow that order.

When I was 8yrs old my life changed I went from daddy's little girl in the perfect family to me taking on some of my mother and father's role after my parents split up. So at 8 I was taking care of a newborn, cooking, cleaning, and making sure my siblings woke up and got ready for school.

Now I purposefully moved from from where I did my undergraduate work back to my hometown for my family and I would make that move again if it was for my family. Although we all grew up I never let go of the roles I had as a child. These rules are really apart of me now. I know the likelihood of my siblings to speaking up without me is slim and I know that they still need me and that is why I moved back.

I know its hard for someone on the outside looking in thinks this would be unusual that my siblings and I have such a close relationship that I take on some responsibilities that are not mine to take that I would sacrifice anything for them. Well I've been in a couple of relationships where they did not understand and one of my siblings in one now. And she has made him completely cold towards his immediate family.

I can only explain myself to make them understand and if they don't then they just don't understand.But God, my family, and school comes before any relationship. Because before "our" relationship my those three parts of my life were there and after the relationship (if we break up) they still will be there.They will be my strength, courage, and wisdom, they will be there when I cannot be there for them.

Recently my mother and my sister went to see my brother at his college which is about 6-7hrs away from my home town. I was in a relationship then and we planned a nice weekend together.The day my mom and sister were supposed to be coming back I got a call that they were in a car accident and they were in a car accident and they were in a hospital 5hrs away from home. My mother already secured a ride to bring them back home.

I was invited to go. I wanted to go soo bad but my health was preventing me to go. I declined and felt extremely bad that I did not go and get them. I felt like they could not depend on me when they needed me the most. I felt like I let them down although I could not go. I felt like my partner was the reason when she really was not the reason I did not go. But they came back safe, a little sore with an un-driveable vehicle but alive and well.

I worry everyday that my family will call me and wont be able to reach me and the one time that it really counts will be the one time I am not available. It scares me to know that I might not be there to help. I know one day that the person in my life the one I commit to will be apart of my family and I will do everything and be there for her as well.

I know that right now it is not possible for me to commit like I want to and it is hard because I love to cuddle, kiss, and hang out but I don't have the time.

Closure

At my internship I talk to the people there because I feel very comfortable around them. I introduced them to my ex before she was my ex and they frequently asked about my relationship. I told them when thing weren't going well and asked them for advice. So when I told them that we broke up they told me the way I did it did not give my ex any closure.

I thought about what I could have done better or how I could have rectified what I did. I knew that I had/have a hard time communicating, so I had to ask myself why are you doing this? I came up with many reasons and said this is what I have to tell her. I have to sit her down and explain to her how I feel without blaming her for all that went wrong in the relationship.

Well I did and she explained her side and she understood where I was coming from. I went to my internship and they asked I told them what I had done and they said you still had not given her closure. I thought "What more can I do?", I figured that maybe I was not explaining myself to them efficently for them to understand. I mean I am not a mean person and if closure to them was being mean to her I did not want to do that. I felt like I've hurt her and would not want to cause her anymore hurt.

So I thought and thought about what to do and how to do it. I realized that I've given her enough closure for her to understand where I was coming from and me to understand her. I thought about my previous relationships and I pretty much did the same thing and the relationship was closed.

I thought and thought some more because if I did not know how to close an intimate relationship with someone it might actually affect my professional life. Because when I either have to terminate a client or move a client I need to close the relationship without leaving any windows open. So I opened a dictionary (actually) several and read what closure was. It said an act or process of closing something; a resolution or conclusion to a work or process. I analyzed what I did and how it would be different in a professional setting. I realized that not much would be different and I understood what needed to be done for someone to gain closure.

I did not understand at first what someone needed in order to gain closure because I've never been in that situation. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if I was in those shoes I would not make it a point to seek the closure from my ex but rather closure internally. Its harsh to say but I feel that way cause life happens and things do not always go my way.

So if someone has to leave me I know that I cannot force or beg them to stay, because they already made up their mind.