Struggling

Hey beautiful people! It has been a long long while. It has been an unexpected hiatus. I am not sure if this hiatus is over but I hope it will be soon. I've been struggling with my thoughts. I've tried to blog about it but I end up with nothing to say. I'm not sure where to start but when I figure that out you will be the first one to hear about it. Anyway hear is the latest:
- Work is great and I like what I do.
- I'm all moved into my apartment but it's kind of naked in my living room and kitchen. I'm saving up for a new living room set and a great office for my kitchen.
- I gave my sister her car although she cannot drive it alone just yet (she only has her permit).
- I got a new car to me. My ex says it is quite the gay car. It's a 1995 Subaru Legacy station wagon stick shift. I named it Rusty. I like it so far :)
- It was a mutual agreement but I'm companionless. It is taking some getting used to.
- I did not expect that I would have such a hard time adjusting to being alone because I love my solitude. But somedays it is hard not to think about all the people that were in my life on a daily basis that are no longer.
- I'm bored and lonely which is never a good combination. My remedy is to find something to do. My plans :
~Get a cat.
~Find an ice skating rink close to my apartment.
~Learn how to play the Djembe. I'm not sure if I will take lessons or teach myself.
~Maybe take up kick boxing or karate (maybe).
~Go out more.
~I'm planning on planning a vacation

- My sister and mom are having a hard time adjusting to me not being home but I think it may be good for their relationship.
- My younger brother is in the process of moving to California to live a simplistic lifestyle.
- My dad is making an effort now to be apart of our lives and I'm hoping it's not too late for us.
- Life is overwhelming at times but overall life is good.

Letters (I originally wrote this on 08/01/09)

During the summer I wrote a lot in my purple notebook. I had some stories, poems, and some letters. I wrote letters to some people with no intent of giving the letters to them. My point of writing those letters was really just to say what I had to say and when I ran out of pages in my purple notebook I would bury the notebook under my collection of school books. I ended up talking about what I was doing and ended up getting strict instructions to write a letter within two weeks time and mail it off... I actually managed completing that task and sent it out. I was pretty nervous about sending it so it was a pretty good accomplishment for me.

Even after I sent the letter out I realized that I was even more nervous to call and find out if the letter was received. I was so nervous because I was not ready to hear the comments that may have been coming my way about what I wrote. Well we had a long conversation and I ended up crying. Not out of fear or nervousness but I actually had the opportunity to open up and talk her about how I felt.

Crazy Girls Rant II (original post date 8/26/09)

So I come to you all again to talk to you about crazy girls cause for some reason one blog was just not enough... at least not for me. The topic has come up again and I wanted to blog about it. So I have a couple of questions... What do you consider crazy? Have you ever dealt with someone who turned out to be crazy? and How did you shake her?

I know that sometimes when you get into a long term committed relationship it crushes you when the relationship ends but usually there is not anything left to say or do to change what has happened. Most people walk away (sometimes with a broken heart) and eventually get over all the questions that they did not get a chance to ask because they usually realize that they got over her without answers. But there are those people that cannot get over the ending of the relationship. They cannot get the hint that the relationship is over and there is nothing that they could have done to salvage it.

These people sometimes become obsessed, stalker-ish, and dangerous. This is never a good look for them but to me it seems like they are too obsessed with the situation at hand that they do not realize the what they are doing. (At least you hope they do not realize what they are doing.)

I think a crazy person is:
1) Someone who won't let go
2) She has problems listening to you (not just hearing)
3) Quick tempered
4) Someone who persistantly follows your every move on social networking sites
5) When you have a feeling that they may show up at your home, work, school, or any location and cause a scene... MAJOR PROBLEM!

You usually do not get exposed to the crazy side in the beginning of a relationship but sometimes you just may ignore it or not even realize the signs of crazy.

Twice I was oblivious to the crazy signs. How? you might ask... I have no idea how I missed it but I did... or did I? Some people say that there are signs early on but not for everyone is there? At least I do not think everyone has the signs but that just maybe me being bias.

My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

Friends

During my everyday observation of strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family I've realized there are some who have lifetime, season, and moment friends. The friends/ acquaintances that I know who have lifetime friends are very similar to the socialization between the girls in Sex in the City. In school I saw a lot of season friends using each other to all "get by". Most people "lose touch" with our friends when we move on to high school, college, jobs, or marriage.

It is the craziest thing to me to "lose touch" with someone you were close to just a few months ago. But I guess its not hard to just let life go on, right? When I was younger and still today I think in "wholeness" similar to an equation. Like with (+) or without (-) a person makes me (=) whole. For example I cried to my mother for years telling her that "its not right, even, or fair that I didn't have a little sister". It was like I was not ME without her. I know I would have been a completely different person without her. My wholeness constantly depends on my self-growth and others' wholeness.

I find it hard to accept friends moving on from me or anyone because they were such a part of me and my everyday life and now they are not. I feel like in some way it diminishes/ taints who I was with them in some way. Maybe I did something to lead them to the point of "no return". I just find it hard to accept the end of a once strong relationship.

I got the DC job!

Yesterday in the mail I got the new employee packet for my job (if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and that). I will be starting July 6th and I'm looking for apartments closer to DC but still in MD so that my commute won't be so long because now it's about an hour. I'm excited because I'm officially a professional. I'm nervous because I do not want to be thrown to the wolves and end up failing. I feel like the bad gal because my family and friends are resenting the fact that I am actually moving on and moving out. I feel accomplished because I got my Masters degree, I am licensed in the state of MD and soon to be in DC, and I got a job in less than 3 months of graduation. I know that life is unpredictable and things can change at any minute but for the moment there is a smile on my face because life has been good to me. 
Til next time beautiful people!

~Evolving

Blogging

I read a post by That Gay Girl Tamara about how and why she started her blog and who was her intended readers. I felt like in some ways I was in the same boat as her, my blog is almost like a diary to me. I made it cause I had no one to talk to while I was still am going through life. As a child I would try to write in a diary but I could not bring myself to write in it. I was too afraid someone would invade my privacy and read it. My blog feels like a diary to me because its like me telling a complete stranger on the subway a bit about what's going on in my semi-charmed life. The likelihood of me ever seeing that person again is slim so I do not feel as bad for unloading my so called drama on that individual. I would also take judgements from these people lightly because they do not know the whole story.

In my younger years (LOL a couple of months ago) I gave people that I was close to my blog link to read a couple of posts. I did not think about them being a long time reader of my blog but I could understand why they would continue to read it. One reason being I am a private person that likes her solitude, so what I share on my blog I sometimes do not ever share in my everyday life. Sometimes I end up not posting some blogs because I really do not want to hear the questions, comments, and judgments from the people I am close to. I explained that if I really wanted to discuss it with them then I would have brought it up in conversation. Well that did not go well either.

Now I'm in the I do not care anymore way of thinking, cause I feel like I'm not obligated to explain myself. If you do not like what you are reading then STOP reading! There is nothing on here you "need to know" you choose to read it. So don't ask for clarity or anything cause it is what is written nothing more or nothing less. So now I am going to blog what I want and not worry about all that extra stuff.

Public announcement to the ones who did not know

No matter what I do in life you will be there to criticize and judge me.
No matter how kind I am you will always be there trying to pull me down.
No matter if you are my friend or not you will be mad if I do not share my business with you.
No matter what I do it is never enough for you.
What you want and what I want may not ever be the same.
What I've built in my life cannot come down easily or at all, not by you.
When will you stop being selfish?


Well guess what?

When it comes to me it is not about you its about me. I am not weak without you because I am strong on my own. I will make my own decisions and mistakes. I will be ok! Because I am me!

Oh Family!

I know everyone has family drama and it just seems like it never goes away and when you all get together it really seems tense. Well that will be my graduation day and I'm so not looking forward to it. The reason *hit will hit the fan is because if it wasn't for me none of these people would ever come together. In a nutshell it will be tension coming from my mom to my dad, my younger brother to my dad and uncle, my sister... Well you get the picture! I really don't want to go through this on my day but I am preparing for it to happen.

If I had the balls to say anything besides "let's just all get along for me on my big day", I would want to say to brother A: how can you be so heartless. You act like we pooped in your cereal. My mother: GET OVER IT! Its been practically 15 years! Entitlement is bull*hit! Brother B: you have a right to be mad but you can't start healing unless you deal with it. Sister: please don't get tangled in this mess! Dad: you are a dick and your brother is more of a father to us than you are! Grow up and be a father! And last but not least sister in law: mind your business! Some things you need to just let it be!

I feel so much better! I just hope that saturday all of that doesn't come out and we can eat a whole meal in peace.

I realize family drama will never go away unless I remove myself from it and I refuse to do that because they are all good people despite the drama and I love them.

On a good note... Yay! My brother is coming to town! My uncle is the best! Yay! I'm graduating!


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Missing a friend

Last week my ex-bestie posted some pictures up on facebook. I hadn't heard from her or seen her in almost a year. When I saw the pictures on my facebook news feed I got sad. I asked myself who, what, when, where, and how did we become so distant? I came up empty with every question. I assumed things but I have not one definitive answer to why we are not friends.

I know she took my coming out hard (she cried...?) and after that it seemed to go down hill. Probably due to the fact that I am a lesbian... Or maybe I waited too long to tell her... It really could be anything. I've been told that she was a bad friend for just leaving me hanging like this. But I still miss her... I really do! I have friends now that are awesome but they are just not the ex-bestie.

I was thinking about my past friendships and I've come to realize a trend. I am usually friends with them for a couple of years then something happens to end our friendship. It must be me right?...Yes I know in relationships with individuals there are moments, seasons, and lifetimes. All I've encountered so far are moments and seasons. I have hopes for lifetime but it has not worked out. Hmph...

I was told that I have high expectations for everyone around me. I thought about it and realized that statement is totally untrue. I expect all people to be themselves and do things of their nature. Sometimes that means they choose not to change even if there might be a need for change. In general I think that there are standards that we set for the people we surround ourselves with.

I've been thinking about what general standards I have for the people in my life, I found it to be difficult. I think because I am open minded and willing to learn from anybody I meet. But this is what I came up with. First mean what you say... I do believe what you say so if you say you are going to change then do so. Yes I know change is a process and I will be there to support you, but with me actions speak so much louder than words. Second be a good friend, that's all I'll expect from you. Third I am an advocate for people who do not have a voice and if I could I would volunteer all the time. So if you have a problem with my kind heart then we can't be friends, cause its more than my profession.

So this is where I am. I doubt that I will call her cause she has her reasons. I just wanted to get it off my chest.



~Evolving

Reminiscing...

For some reason today I've found myself thinking about the spring and summers since I've been in Baltimore and the songs that were in my head. Please enjoy a little bit of my mental music journey:

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Evolving's Evening Rant

You know what... I am so ready to be left alone by some people. I feel like I've tried so hard to do my part and not lead them on but they just keep coming back which stresses me out. Just leave me alone. It makes me feel like I am in high school/undergrad it seems like I've always had problems getting people to leave me alone. Why do they think that they know how I feel? Why do they think that I cannot think for myself... like I do not know what is good for me? When I am mean to them they get mad that I was mean... Leave me alone! When I ignore them they blow up my phone... Leave me alone! Why are they holding on to something that is not there? Why are they living in their "fantasy world" or the past? Move on! I'm not interested!

This morning I saw a woman buy a coffee she looked like she was in her second trimester... When was it okay to drink coffee/alcohol or smoke when you were with child?

Why is my supervisor soo soo insensitive and bossy? She acts like she is the boss of the world and can tell the nurses and doctors what ever she wants. You are not a queen!... Stop freaking acting like one! AND and the icing on top of the cake is she keeps on pissing off the patients... Listen lady I do not want to get SHOT by these people because you decided to act like you are a queen! Help the clients be a FREAKING social worker! that is what you are paid to do!

Ok I'm done... Goodnight or if you are in another time zone good morning/afternoon!

Updates!

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long long while. I am here for the moment but I cannot promise that I will blog more cause it IS my last semester and you know how that goes.
So the year (2009) has been trying for me but I made it through and I am so glad it is OVER! My life I feel has just begun! I wrote a post in January about how its my turn to choose and I am choosing to be the I best that I can be! So far I've chosen to open up and find me, I've chosen to communicate more (it is a real process!), I've chosen to not only let someone in but let myself be loved, and I've chosen to let go of the stress in my life. The stress in my life has probably been the hardest some times I feel, because of it I cannot live and not living SUCKS!
At the beginning of the year I thought it was going to be a rough end of my education and rough beginning of my profession. I decided to not sweat the small stuff and it has turned around. Classes are going well I enjoy learning and I am definitely doing that. I'm finding it extra tedious to do any type of paperwork or reading I think senioritus has kicked in. I am applying for my Social Work Licensure Test and I fear a rut is in the near future. Being stuck in a rut is one of my big fears and I think starting. In my field will do that to me. I feel that my collegiate learning will come to an end and I really do not want that. My girlfriend told me that I need to take a break from learning... that is going to be hard! I need some type of education so think I want to learn how to play hand drums. I think it will be entertaining while working as a professional. Oh my gosh a PROFESSIONAL!
My first thing that I will do after my graduation (maybe even before) is to find a job with health insurance because that is definitely priority number 1. Priority number 2 is getting my own apartment (long over due!). Priority number 3 is to get my own (no strings/rules attached) car.
My mother went to Haiti for two weeks as a Registered Nurse while she was there she saw my cousins and they were all fine thankfully. We still have not heard from my god sister though. My mother plans to go back at the end of this month for another two weeks as an RN. She did not talk much about her experience much but I do know that she is a strong woman. I commend her strength and her willingness to go back.
I want to plan my graduation celebration but I am not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

learning

Well ladies I did it again. I honestly did not want to do that again. But I can honestly say I learned from it. I am not sure that anyone wants to hear that from their ex, date, lover, or friend but it is the truth.

Last year (read this) was a little rocky for me and i appreciate it because it made me stronger and wiser. I hope for more strength and wisdom this year. I hope I can learn and improve myself from the mistakes I've made. I know that communication is an issue but it is being worked out. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a prick in order to get my point across and that is not in my personality. I am a people pleaser and I've realized that in order for someone to take me seriously things need to change. I'm 25 and I hope to have alot more learning and if I do not I enjoyed what learning I had.

Sorry ladies this post is confusing but I choose not to focus any more on the "should have dones" and the "if I coulds"... I want to focus on the "what I learned" and the "loving, laughing, and living I enjoyed". Apologizes said, no regrets, and no take backs, it is just me learning. My 2010 anthem is still rocking in the background and although people do not like it. It is for me! "Because you never know where life is going to take you and you can't change where you've been but today I have the opportunity to choose. I choose!"

Mind Reading Love

A couple of days ago Nona J. asked me a question about my question post. At first I did not understand what she meant by the question so I sent her a private message asking her what she meant by the question she asked. She explained to me a little about where she was coming from with the question then she rephrased it to say: Do you think love is fair without risks?

Thinking about it I would say no I don't think that love is fair without risks. I say this because I believe that loving someone is a big risk but it also has big rewards if the person loves you back. Love is also one of the biggest situations that you have to let yourself be vulnerable just for the sake of your own happiness.

Love's vulnerability is frightening. You put so much trust in the other person with your own created emotions. Really? That's love! When being vulnerable you put all your cards on the table and more. You share your deepest secrets with the hope that in return your partner shares some of their own deepest secrets.

The downfall to taking such a risk is not getting the reward of love from your partner back. It is easy to know and understand your own emotions however crazy they maybe, you know them. You really do not know how your partner thinks or feels about you... You can only ask and trust that she will be honest with you.

Loving someone is wonderful. You have all these emotions inside of you but you cannot describe the emotions in words, they flood your body and joy escapes. Like I said earlier love is a risk and we do take risks in life but for Evolving this is a big risk.

I believe that NO two people can be deeply in love with each other in the same way at the same exact moment. The only way I think that this is possible is if you are the person in love and you also are a very talented mind reader.

I am not saying two people cannot be in love because I see it everyday and it is soo beautiful. But I believe that love between two people are always slightly different. In life we express ourselves in many different ways. We taste, feel, see, smell, and hear things differently, although there are similarities there are also differences. Which in turn makes in quite impossible for two people to love the same exact way in the same exact moment (at least in my book).

What do you think about love? What has your experience been?

F*&%# I messed up!

I can't fix what I did and Im afraid to go back because I might hurt her again. I involved someone else in my mess of a head and I hurt her, not just once but twice.

I entered something with her that I know now I was not ready for. I care about her and I don't want to do anymore damage. So I'm afraid of what the future might hold.

One problem I definitely have is communicating. I don't want to say just with her because it is frankly with everyone this is why:

1. I cannot tell you what is on my mind if you ask.

2. I choose my words so wisely that NOTHING comes out when you ask me a question.

3. I can't even tell you what I want with my words but I will express it to you with my actions.

4. If you start to figure me out, I end up pushing you away. (figured that out after I did it)

5. Like I blogged about before my head and my heart are in constant battle... my head tends to win.

The thing is I don't know how to fix it or even if I want to fix it. I know this is probably my walls I've built around me and I can't/ won't let anyone in.

The crazy thing I seem to fix everyone else's problems family or work related. But when it comes to mine there is no time or for some reason I don't. Like I said before I am afraid of what the future might bring with the one I hurt and in general. That fear is starting to do damage in my life.

I keep so much in you would think I'd have some answers... sad to say I don't.

Just exploring evolving...

So I am 80% sure that I did not make much sense to you. I am not sure if it will ever make sense. This one is definitely for me! I am not on the same page or even chapter as you. I hear what you say and it sounds so sweet but I feel like I am running a mile a minute just to catch up to you.

I would love to be there right next to you, but I am not there. Frankly a month from now I feel like I will still be chasing your shadow. All the sacrifices you are willing to make for me is AMAZING! I want to do the same for you but right now I can't.

I am kicking myself because I should have known that I was not ready for something like this. But I felt ready, I thought my feelings for you were enough... I realize that it is not enough.

In my head all I hear is I can't, I can't, I can't... It's not that I don't want to it's not that I haven't tried. I need time not only everyday time, but mentally I need time. I need time to be clear headed and prepared. I don't even know if it is possible to be prepared. But I'll try to find out.

You know I cannot go feet first without thinking it through. You said that was smart but weird at the same time. This is actually for me, I need time to play catch up. No matter what other messages I give you this is what I need.

I hope you can understand...

Understanding just knocked

During the last about two months I've been getting phone calls, texts, and emails from my Ex. I've discussed with her the reason why I broke up with her but I guess the closure I gave her was not enough. Well she called me and explained to me what I've been waiting to hear (not actually but I really needed to here it). She told me that although I explained to her and she said she understood she really did not. but that now she actually does understand.

She understood that I needed the break from her to get myself together. That it was not her fault and that although she thought she could just take my pain away and know my problems will go away, she realizes that I need to deal with ME first.

When I heard her say that to me it just made me cry. She finally could understand where I was coming from and it made me feel like I was not alone anymore. I felt like someone in this world understood what Evolving was going through. She apologized for making me cry and I had to explain to her that it was not her fault.

At that point I felt like something must be seriously wrong with me for someone to understand that I am "going through".

Sometimes I feel like I am ok... just a rough patch that I need to sow up, but I never sow it up and the patch just gets bigger. I realized that I needed to hear it from someone else to confirm what was actually going on inside of me.
Affirmation is wonderful and sometimes I feel like I need that. Although I can tell myself a million and one times that I am doing alright or something, it is not the same as someone telling me that I am alright or something.