Becoming friends with an ex

Hey beautiful people. I'm coming to you with a question/semi-rant. How do you feel about becoming friends with an ex of yours? I am struggling with this question for many reasons one being blurry lines. In most situations if it is determined that you two are going to establish a relationship, there are lines set determining what is appropriate to do or say after a break up. But what happens if those lines are blurred? How do you fix that or deem the friendship as a bad idea?

In my case all but one of my serious relationships turned into friendships after we broke up. I do not see a problem with this because I know that it is strictly a friendship. A couple of times I caught them being inappropriate it was changed and we moved on. All in all the friendships have worked out. We are not the call everyday type of friends but a call here and there never hurts.

The one ex I am not friends with is very challenging for me. She wants to become friends but every time I try to become friends with her she wants to pretty much know my life story since we broke up. Specifically asking questions like: are you single?, Who is she?, What does she look like?, What are you doing with yourself?, I miss you, type stuff. If only you all can hear her when she says it, it's like she needs that information so that she can function in the world. If I do not tell her... oh she will try and find out things about me. I understand that friendships are about sharing but it's never about interrogation or investigation. Maybe one day we can be friends but right now it's not happening.


I'm not saying that it is ever a good idea to become friends with your ex. It just kind of happened with me. So considering boundaries/lines how do you feel about becoming friends with an ex of yours?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Thinking too much! (originally written 06/06/08)

For the past couple of weeks I haven't been doing too much, settling in but not working. So I've tried to occupy my time with fixing little things around the house to keep myself out of my head. Well it has not been working all I've been doing is flooding myself with so many different thoughts, it has even gone as far as bad dreams.
The only solution I can think of is working hard! Well I did get a job but getting to the first day of work is a process. So in a week or two ill start working and my mind won't be on me all day. I can't really describe what I'm thinking about but I'm so tired of thinking about everything. I am ready to work. 

My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

newbies

So I've been thinking beautiful people! Like I said in my previous blog I was not expecting to really pass my board/license exam the first time... I thought my summer would be consumed with preparing to take it again in August/September (if you fail you have to wait 90 days to take the exam again). So now I am emotionally trying to prepare myself for goodbyes and new adventures. I am going to try and give my sister a summer crash course in life because she will be graduating next year and off to college then. I do not believe that she is ready for college or to stand on her own so hopefully this summer will ease my worries.

I told myself after I passed that now I would need to find something to do with myself. I need to accomplish something else, or go on some type of adventure/journey. If you know me then you know that I cannot stay still because me being stuck in a rut is completely not okay with me. It is so much easier on everyone if I am spending my time being busy. I think I am happier.

When I move I am going to adopt a dog, probably an adult or older dog. I'm trying to decide between the Bichon Frise, Miniature Schnauzer, and Toy Poodle. They all are so cute it will be difficult to decide. I am also planning on getting into learning how to playing the talking drums but that will come with time. I am also thinking about volunteering as a CASA (court appointed special advocate) worker for foster children. I thought about this because I have a BIG soft spot for children especially children who have been abused and neglected and feel like they have no voice. So hopefully this year or so I can do the training and become a CASA worker.

New beginnings are scary but exciting all at once. :)

Happy Holiday weekend beautiful people!

Blogging

I read a post by That Gay Girl Tamara about how and why she started her blog and who was her intended readers. I felt like in some ways I was in the same boat as her, my blog is almost like a diary to me. I made it cause I had no one to talk to while I was still am going through life. As a child I would try to write in a diary but I could not bring myself to write in it. I was too afraid someone would invade my privacy and read it. My blog feels like a diary to me because its like me telling a complete stranger on the subway a bit about what's going on in my semi-charmed life. The likelihood of me ever seeing that person again is slim so I do not feel as bad for unloading my so called drama on that individual. I would also take judgements from these people lightly because they do not know the whole story.

In my younger years (LOL a couple of months ago) I gave people that I was close to my blog link to read a couple of posts. I did not think about them being a long time reader of my blog but I could understand why they would continue to read it. One reason being I am a private person that likes her solitude, so what I share on my blog I sometimes do not ever share in my everyday life. Sometimes I end up not posting some blogs because I really do not want to hear the questions, comments, and judgments from the people I am close to. I explained that if I really wanted to discuss it with them then I would have brought it up in conversation. Well that did not go well either.

Now I'm in the I do not care anymore way of thinking, cause I feel like I'm not obligated to explain myself. If you do not like what you are reading then STOP reading! There is nothing on here you "need to know" you choose to read it. So don't ask for clarity or anything cause it is what is written nothing more or nothing less. So now I am going to blog what I want and not worry about all that extra stuff.

Question

Do you believe in soul mates?



Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

My friend NOT my lover

Lately there has been talk about my relationships with my friends. Two of my close friends are brothers and two are lesbian sisters who happen to be doms. We have been getting questions and comments about if we ever hooked up, dated, messed around, or thought of each other sexually. It has gotten to the point that one of my dom friends and her girlfriend broke up because her girlfriend did not like the friendship between myself and her girlfriend. My ex friend has asked me for years if I was attracted to my guy friend and if he made a move what would I do. I'm thinking she was attracted to him but who knows.

Why is it soo taboo to be friends with someone opposite of you? Has a "friend" ever crossed the line with you? Did that make you two any less of friends? How can you have a strong friendship with them if they see you differently?

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Reminiscing...

For some reason today I've found myself thinking about the spring and summers since I've been in Baltimore and the songs that were in my head. Please enjoy a little bit of my mental music journey:

Evolving's Evening Rant

You know what... I am so ready to be left alone by some people. I feel like I've tried so hard to do my part and not lead them on but they just keep coming back which stresses me out. Just leave me alone. It makes me feel like I am in high school/undergrad it seems like I've always had problems getting people to leave me alone. Why do they think that they know how I feel? Why do they think that I cannot think for myself... like I do not know what is good for me? When I am mean to them they get mad that I was mean... Leave me alone! When I ignore them they blow up my phone... Leave me alone! Why are they holding on to something that is not there? Why are they living in their "fantasy world" or the past? Move on! I'm not interested!

This morning I saw a woman buy a coffee she looked like she was in her second trimester... When was it okay to drink coffee/alcohol or smoke when you were with child?

Why is my supervisor soo soo insensitive and bossy? She acts like she is the boss of the world and can tell the nurses and doctors what ever she wants. You are not a queen!... Stop freaking acting like one! AND and the icing on top of the cake is she keeps on pissing off the patients... Listen lady I do not want to get SHOT by these people because you decided to act like you are a queen! Help the clients be a FREAKING social worker! that is what you are paid to do!

Ok I'm done... Goodnight or if you are in another time zone good morning/afternoon!

learning

Well ladies I did it again. I honestly did not want to do that again. But I can honestly say I learned from it. I am not sure that anyone wants to hear that from their ex, date, lover, or friend but it is the truth.

Last year (read this) was a little rocky for me and i appreciate it because it made me stronger and wiser. I hope for more strength and wisdom this year. I hope I can learn and improve myself from the mistakes I've made. I know that communication is an issue but it is being worked out. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a prick in order to get my point across and that is not in my personality. I am a people pleaser and I've realized that in order for someone to take me seriously things need to change. I'm 25 and I hope to have alot more learning and if I do not I enjoyed what learning I had.

Sorry ladies this post is confusing but I choose not to focus any more on the "should have dones" and the "if I coulds"... I want to focus on the "what I learned" and the "loving, laughing, and living I enjoyed". Apologizes said, no regrets, and no take backs, it is just me learning. My 2010 anthem is still rocking in the background and although people do not like it. It is for me! "Because you never know where life is going to take you and you can't change where you've been but today I have the opportunity to choose. I choose!"

The end of 2009

Hello Beautiful people! Seems like the year went by so fast and now it is coming to a close in a day. As I think about my journey and growth over this past year I realize that I have a lot more growing to do. I accomplished a lot but I also made a lot of mistakes this year. I was able to learn and grow from these mistakes and accomplishments and I hope the new year brings more.

The hardest thing that I learned about myself this year was I have a hard time acknowledging my true feelings and coping with my true feelings. I am not exactly sure the moment this year I realized this but when I did it was really hard for me to comprehend. I knew that from time to time I would sacrifice my feelings to please others. But I did not realize that my feelings were being over looked by not only myself but others. I became disappointed in myself when I realized what I had been doing. This upcoming year I am going to work on coping with my feelings and acting on them. I have some reservations about this because of my own insecurities but until I cope with my feelings I am not going to get far in my growth. I am a pleaser and in order for me to look out for myself and grow in the process I need to start listening to me. I do not want to change what I've been through I just want to improve where I am going to.

Graduation is around the corner in 136 days/20 weeks. I never thought I would make it this far but I am here in one piece. This semester went better than expected and I hope my last semester and finding a job is more of a breeze than a struggle. I usually signify the ending of something in my life and the beginning of something new in my life with a tattoo or piercing. In the past it has brought me good fortune in my new beginnings. I've started my search for a symbol of this moment in my life so that I can get a tattoo... any ideas? I am planning on getting the tattoo before or on graduation day because I feel like it will be bad mojo if I do not.

I will be 25 in some teen days and supposedly I am supposed to start my quarter life crisis... wish me luck!

So as this year ends and the new year begins I go dancing to India.Arie's I Choose. Realizing that the ball has always been in my court and now I have to figure out how to use it. Peace, health, and blessing in the New Year!

~Evolving

The battle within remix

When planning your life sometimes you take into consideration that you cannot control everything or situation that may occur. For me I struggle with the unknown at least with matters of the heart. It is a very vital organ of everyone and thing's body. We use our heart to survive and without it we cannot. My job is to protect my heart in anyway possible because if it is damaged or I am without it I am not me.

I try to keep my heart out of harm's way but as I said before you cannot plan for everything. Right now I've come to find my heart involved in a situation I did not plan for. And it is becoming difficult to get out of dodge and change courses. My heart wants to stay but my mind knows it is best for me to move.

For once I am letting my heart win and even though my mind did not win it will still be there to protect my heart.

Question

Hello beautiful womyn! I am currently working on some semester final papers due in a couple of days. This means a hold on The Fantasy... until the papers get done (4 maybe 5 days). So in the mean time I have a question.

If you are going out with a friend or friends to a movie, dinner, or dancing/club, how much would you disclose when you are in a relationship or just dating? Do you give her the answer to Who, What, When, Where, and How?

I brought this up because I read No Love Lost by A Brown Girl (check it out!). She talked about “just dating” and how sometimes dating may not turn into relationships.

So are there differences in disclosure for dating than in relationships?

I would think so because if I were in a relationship with someone I would tell all… to an extent. Not a “keeping secrets” extent but a “trust me” extent. I want the person that I am with to trust ME to do the right thing, not my friends.

As for dating, I would not tell all. If there is openness to our communication, there should not be a problem with whom I am hanging out. It should be understood that dating is exactly what it is dating.

So tell me ladies what would you do?

Process

Process is the act or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end/ goal/outcome. Process in any setting such as relationships, class rooms, work, and just your everyday life can be easy and for some difficult. Although we do not think of it as such getting a job, breaking up, losing weight, etc. is a process. Even getting your point across is a process.

How do you deal with the process?

Well I never thought of the shortcuts I took or the steps I purposely missed for the sake of time and frustration. But in class we discussed process and it made it evident that not going through the proper process would prolong the end/goal/outcome. I thought about situations in my life where I missed a step or two just to avoid an argument. I realized that was unfair to the persons I had disagreements and even to myself.

I was cutting myself short of the process. My understanding was clouded by my lack of communication with others and myself. I realize now that that is cutting not only myself short but also others. I realize that what I do is the same as a person running away from their problems. I do not want to be that person that runs away when things get uncomfortable or tough. Now since I realized that I have been skipping parts of the process. Since I realize it now I have to do something about it.

When I realize that I am cutting myself or something short no matter how painful or uncomfortable the process is I have to strive to complete the process and not cut it short. In previous situations I've skipped processes and ended up with me and the other person confused. We let it go for the moment but kept on going back to the same conversation over and over and over again. It got annoying but I did not realize what I was doing.

Now I know my process flaws so now I have something to work on.

Lesbians and Polygamy/Polyamory

I like Big Love I have not been able to watch the latest season but I cannot wait to catch up. Since I started to watch the show I thought about polygamy/polyamory in the lesbian community. Polygamy is not in the media theses days but we know it exists. Although Dalilah from Cherry Bomb mentioned her own polyamorous relationship, I really don't hear too much about it in the LGBTQ community. But I know it exists.

So How do you feel about polygamy/polyamory?

As a lesbian and a person of color I believe that in our LGBTQ community there should not be any discrimination within our community. We should support all in our community and not push them away. Internalized homophobia is not okay. This statement is only how I feel, but I know there are people in the LGBTQ community who do discriminate on their own.

Femme_Fluff talked about how the African-American lesbian community think it is soo taboo to see stud on stud relationships. But there is no problem with femme on femme relationships. (Who cares who I am sleeping with! It's my business!) We are supposed to be "family" but we sometimes don't act like we are family.

This is what the LGBTQ community is fighting for with Prop 8, but we cannot seem to accept our own. Just like we have a long way to go with same-sex marriage. I feel that we have a longer way to go with our own community accepting everyone "just the way they are". How are WE supposed to be accepted by mainstream if WE don't accept each other?

I would personally not have a problem with a polyamorous/polygamous relationship. I would of course make sure for me and everyone else involved that there is a clear understanding of the rules of the relationship. To ensure that no one will get "hurt" in the process.

So tell me how you feel...

Mind Reading Love

A couple of days ago Nona J. asked me a question about my question post. At first I did not understand what she meant by the question so I sent her a private message asking her what she meant by the question she asked. She explained to me a little about where she was coming from with the question then she rephrased it to say: Do you think love is fair without risks?

Thinking about it I would say no I don't think that love is fair without risks. I say this because I believe that loving someone is a big risk but it also has big rewards if the person loves you back. Love is also one of the biggest situations that you have to let yourself be vulnerable just for the sake of your own happiness.

Love's vulnerability is frightening. You put so much trust in the other person with your own created emotions. Really? That's love! When being vulnerable you put all your cards on the table and more. You share your deepest secrets with the hope that in return your partner shares some of their own deepest secrets.

The downfall to taking such a risk is not getting the reward of love from your partner back. It is easy to know and understand your own emotions however crazy they maybe, you know them. You really do not know how your partner thinks or feels about you... You can only ask and trust that she will be honest with you.

Loving someone is wonderful. You have all these emotions inside of you but you cannot describe the emotions in words, they flood your body and joy escapes. Like I said earlier love is a risk and we do take risks in life but for Evolving this is a big risk.

I believe that NO two people can be deeply in love with each other in the same way at the same exact moment. The only way I think that this is possible is if you are the person in love and you also are a very talented mind reader.

I am not saying two people cannot be in love because I see it everyday and it is soo beautiful. But I believe that love between two people are always slightly different. In life we express ourselves in many different ways. We taste, feel, see, smell, and hear things differently, although there are similarities there are also differences. Which in turn makes in quite impossible for two people to love the same exact way in the same exact moment (at least in my book).

What do you think about love? What has your experience been?

Question

If I don't trust myself to love you, how can I trust you to love me in return?

F*&%# I messed up!

I can't fix what I did and Im afraid to go back because I might hurt her again. I involved someone else in my mess of a head and I hurt her, not just once but twice.

I entered something with her that I know now I was not ready for. I care about her and I don't want to do anymore damage. So I'm afraid of what the future might hold.

One problem I definitely have is communicating. I don't want to say just with her because it is frankly with everyone this is why:

1. I cannot tell you what is on my mind if you ask.

2. I choose my words so wisely that NOTHING comes out when you ask me a question.

3. I can't even tell you what I want with my words but I will express it to you with my actions.

4. If you start to figure me out, I end up pushing you away. (figured that out after I did it)

5. Like I blogged about before my head and my heart are in constant battle... my head tends to win.

The thing is I don't know how to fix it or even if I want to fix it. I know this is probably my walls I've built around me and I can't/ won't let anyone in.

The crazy thing I seem to fix everyone else's problems family or work related. But when it comes to mine there is no time or for some reason I don't. Like I said before I am afraid of what the future might bring with the one I hurt and in general. That fear is starting to do damage in my life.

I keep so much in you would think I'd have some answers... sad to say I don't.

Just exploring evolving...

The battle within... part deux

Mind vs Heart the bell just rung. In they go... Mind wearing purple and Heart wearing blue. They pace around each other to figure each other out. Mind is acting quite cocky like it knows this battle is going to be a piece of cake. Heart is looking confident and is ready to start this battle. Mind and Heart sit down in front of the table with two pads, two pens and pencils, and two glasses of water.
The battle has just begun they seem very intense and thinking. Heart makes valid points and Mind has a come back. Heart goes in again but Mind pulls out some logic. They both seem to be getting frustrated Mind goes in with reason and gets shut down with Heart's ration. Really? Heart is irrational how did she pull that off?
I am trying to come up with a solution for me. Mind and Heart have been battling for too long. They need to come to some kind of agreement. Someone told me that I should let Heart deal with matters of the heart and Mind deal with everything else while staying in its lane. Easier said then done.
I can't just let my mind stop running the show. Is there some kind of AA meeting, or Nicotene patch for things like this? I need a step program to get my mind to stay in it's own lane.I have to find a way to stop this battle, I have to find a way to make peace with both my mind and heart.

~Evolving