My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

I got the DC job!

Yesterday in the mail I got the new employee packet for my job (if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and that). I will be starting July 6th and I'm looking for apartments closer to DC but still in MD so that my commute won't be so long because now it's about an hour. I'm excited because I'm officially a professional. I'm nervous because I do not want to be thrown to the wolves and end up failing. I feel like the bad gal because my family and friends are resenting the fact that I am actually moving on and moving out. I feel accomplished because I got my Masters degree, I am licensed in the state of MD and soon to be in DC, and I got a job in less than 3 months of graduation. I know that life is unpredictable and things can change at any minute but for the moment there is a smile on my face because life has been good to me. 
Til next time beautiful people!

~Evolving

So life begins... Or does it?

Hey beautiful people! It has been two weeks since I graduated. I really do not feel much different until I realize that I actually did it. I will be watching TV or driving and abruptly I start break dancing because I remembered I graduated... LOL yes break dancing even in the car! I'm so excited! Yay!
On Wednesday I sat for my board/ licensing exam and and and I PASSED! Yay me! Now I'm dancing again! LOL! It was really stressful for me to sit for the exam because everyone talked about how it is a difficult exam and most people fail it the first time. I am glad that the exam is over with. Now its official I am a licensed professional. Wow! I'm all that? (Raising my hand) can I go back to school now? No seriously!

The graduation went as expected. My older brother and his wife acted like it was about them, my father showed me off like I was art work, my mom was my mom, my sister was sad because I am leaving her soon, my younger brother was there yay!... And the same. But I managed to make it through the ceremony and through dinner so we did good.
Now I am actively looking for a job in the DC, MD, VA, and PA areas. I am leaning toward DC but any will do because they are all so close to each other. I am also looking for an apartment. Apartment= stress-free, more cooking, pets, and aaaahhhhhhhhhh! LOL does that last one make sense to you all?... That will be the sound I will make every time I walk in to my apartment.


In other news...

-My father wants to have the "talk" with me on Monday. I am assuming the "talk" is about marriage because he brought it up at my graduation. Knowing my father he probably has the man and marriage arranged for me. But we are not that close so for him it is probably a big deal to talk to me about it. He does not know I am a lesbian because when I came out to my mother she asked me not to tell any extended family or my father because the blame would be put on her. I've respected her wishes since I've been living in her home. I won't tell him Monday unless he figures it out. He has seen my girlfriend a couple of times so maybe he figured it out. Who knows!

-I need a vacation! Anyone else? I am going on a weekend trip next weekend but I need like a 7 day out of country vacation to get away from the hustle and bustle that my life has been for the past month.



Have a wonderful sun filled holiday weekend!

P.S. Thank you everyone for the congrats! and Thank you Ty for the blog shout out!


~Evolving

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Professionalism 101 Chapter 1

So recently I got a new phone or what I call the "professional phone". There were several reasons I changed phones 1) my other phone would not stay charged 2) it had been almost 3 years since I bought my last phone ( which is like 10 years in the technology world) 4) I needed a professional phone 5) I wanted to be able to blog, read, and comment on the go.
So I got myself a Blackberry. Its an awesome phone so far, there really has not been anything that I haven't liked about it. Supposedly I am supposed to be upset because I do not have a camera with a flash but I am not because I rarely take pictures. So I've blogged, emailed, oh and BBMed. This phone is pretty alright!
Do I feel like a professional... Just a little bit. But everyday I feel like a professional more and more. I think this means (according to Ty) I am slowly enrolling into the school of life. I am happy about that!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long long while. I am here for the moment but I cannot promise that I will blog more cause it IS my last semester and you know how that goes.
So the year (2009) has been trying for me but I made it through and I am so glad it is OVER! My life I feel has just begun! I wrote a post in January about how its my turn to choose and I am choosing to be the I best that I can be! So far I've chosen to open up and find me, I've chosen to communicate more (it is a real process!), I've chosen to not only let someone in but let myself be loved, and I've chosen to let go of the stress in my life. The stress in my life has probably been the hardest some times I feel, because of it I cannot live and not living SUCKS!
At the beginning of the year I thought it was going to be a rough end of my education and rough beginning of my profession. I decided to not sweat the small stuff and it has turned around. Classes are going well I enjoy learning and I am definitely doing that. I'm finding it extra tedious to do any type of paperwork or reading I think senioritus has kicked in. I am applying for my Social Work Licensure Test and I fear a rut is in the near future. Being stuck in a rut is one of my big fears and I think starting. In my field will do that to me. I feel that my collegiate learning will come to an end and I really do not want that. My girlfriend told me that I need to take a break from learning... that is going to be hard! I need some type of education so think I want to learn how to play hand drums. I think it will be entertaining while working as a professional. Oh my gosh a PROFESSIONAL!
My first thing that I will do after my graduation (maybe even before) is to find a job with health insurance because that is definitely priority number 1. Priority number 2 is getting my own apartment (long over due!). Priority number 3 is to get my own (no strings/rules attached) car.
My mother went to Haiti for two weeks as a Registered Nurse while she was there she saw my cousins and they were all fine thankfully. We still have not heard from my god sister though. My mother plans to go back at the end of this month for another two weeks as an RN. She did not talk much about her experience much but I do know that she is a strong woman. I commend her strength and her willingness to go back.
I want to plan my graduation celebration but I am not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People! So this past week we were able to hear from some of our family members in Haiti but not all. We also have not heard anything from my god sister either. I am worried about them all especially that little girl. All we can do is pray and hope that they are all safe. My mother just left a couple of hours ago for Haiti. She is a Registered Nurse and Creole so she volunteered to help. I hope and pray that she will be safe there and admire her for taking action.

Classes started today and I am excited because I am counting down the days (by the way 110/ 16 weeks). I am frustrated because my schedule is messed up. I tried to resolve the issue before classes started but it was not resolved. Books are expensive as always but I am excited to start to making a step in a different direction other than school. Wish me luck!

Peace and Blessings!

~Evolving

The end of 2009

Hello Beautiful people! Seems like the year went by so fast and now it is coming to a close in a day. As I think about my journey and growth over this past year I realize that I have a lot more growing to do. I accomplished a lot but I also made a lot of mistakes this year. I was able to learn and grow from these mistakes and accomplishments and I hope the new year brings more.

The hardest thing that I learned about myself this year was I have a hard time acknowledging my true feelings and coping with my true feelings. I am not exactly sure the moment this year I realized this but when I did it was really hard for me to comprehend. I knew that from time to time I would sacrifice my feelings to please others. But I did not realize that my feelings were being over looked by not only myself but others. I became disappointed in myself when I realized what I had been doing. This upcoming year I am going to work on coping with my feelings and acting on them. I have some reservations about this because of my own insecurities but until I cope with my feelings I am not going to get far in my growth. I am a pleaser and in order for me to look out for myself and grow in the process I need to start listening to me. I do not want to change what I've been through I just want to improve where I am going to.

Graduation is around the corner in 136 days/20 weeks. I never thought I would make it this far but I am here in one piece. This semester went better than expected and I hope my last semester and finding a job is more of a breeze than a struggle. I usually signify the ending of something in my life and the beginning of something new in my life with a tattoo or piercing. In the past it has brought me good fortune in my new beginnings. I've started my search for a symbol of this moment in my life so that I can get a tattoo... any ideas? I am planning on getting the tattoo before or on graduation day because I feel like it will be bad mojo if I do not.

I will be 25 in some teen days and supposedly I am supposed to start my quarter life crisis... wish me luck!

So as this year ends and the new year begins I go dancing to India.Arie's I Choose. Realizing that the ball has always been in my court and now I have to figure out how to use it. Peace, health, and blessing in the New Year!

~Evolving

Counting Down 194 days/29 weeks

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long while... Right now life in terms of how fast the days are going by is great! Home life sucks and so does my internship life. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about things but I am human and sometimes it slips.

Home life sucks because I am currently my mother's verbal punching bag taking all the hits for no apparent reason. I have come to the conclusion that my mother needs somebody to blame and I happen to be in her crossfire. I have no idea what is wrong with her but I was told that my approach to the situation is insensitive. I then realized that my sensitivity ran short a couple of years ago. It ran out because me being pleasant rarely worked to my advantage. Now I do not know how to sugar coat much and my bluntness is getting nowhere so I choose to just be quiet.

Internship life sucks because I have a controlling supervisor that does not have my best interest in mind. She does not want me to do anything and blocks my progress every step of the way. I tried to get moved around in the hospital and realized that no one at that hospital really does have my best interest in mind. So right now I am choosing to suck it up because if I do not I will not graduate.

Classes are wonderful I am currently not only passing but excelling and I am pretty happy about that. If only classes were over... but soon!

On another note I am so so so ready to cut my locks its ridiculous. I have only been locking for a year and 7 months but for some reason I have an itch to cut them off completely!

Anyway I got to go I should be studying, writing a paper, or maybe even both. Talk to you soon!

I was marching were you?

So even though I had a ton of work (as I do now at 3:03 am) myself and gang of 3 went to Washington D.C. to march Sunday. It was only a hop skip and metro ride away from home so it was not as much of a travel as New York, Washington, Utah, Massachusetts, or Florida was for some. There were so many people young, old, and in-between marching it was just amazing! But wildly while I was leaving Staceyann Chin literally ran into me I was most definitely in shock and instead of saying anything I moved away from her. Ridiculous right? I know! Anyway my sister was the official Exploring Me photographer for the day so here is her work. Enjoy!

Counting Down Overdue Fridays 217days/31weeks

Hello beautiful people! I am coming to you from under my dryer. How are things? What's going on in the world of blogging?

So I've been so busy with school and my internship that I have not had time to tell you what is going on with me. I've been soo soo soo busy that I have not had much time to even breath... CRAZY! I've also been talking about making moves for the future... I need to stop talking about it and actually make the moves! But there just seems to not be enough time in the day... I know I know I have to make time.

Short term: I have to start with the resume and work myself up to finding out what kind of Social Worker I want to be come May 2010. Right now I have NO idea which is a pretty bad. But I have been talking to experienced Social Workers and they have given me some really good ideas. :D

Long term: I am already thinking about me eventually going back to get my PhD in Public Health. Next I have to figure out what I want to do my research on when I go back. But I have time to think about it.

So currently at my internship it is not what I expected but I guess it is going well. My supervisor and I's personalities are clashing BIG TIME but some how we manage to do what we have to do to get the job done. I've talked to so many other Social Workers at my internship and it seems like they have so much more faith in me and my work than my own supervisor. I've been patient and respectful but this week if there are no changes I will have to make some on my behalf... and that is a promise!

Home like is bittersweet my sister is doing excellent I have not seen her cry over life being so difficult in about a year. That is good for me because what I came back home to do is actually working. My mother on the other hand is being a complete jerk... (now i know this sounds bad and to some extent it is but I've gotten some very respected opinions about the situation and they seem to agree). A little bit before school went back in session my mother started treating me differently. Then I brushed it off did what I had to do and went about my business. But now 6 weeks after the fact I am slowly coming to my breaking point.

While re-twisting my locs tonight (which by the way I've been thinking long and hard about cutting my baby locs) I've realized for some reason my mother no longer respects me. And it is apparent in the way she talks to me and even in her non-verbal communication. I am trying to not dwell because I am pretty sure I have not done anything wrong and because I need to get through this semester and year without any extra stress. So home is bittersweet but I am thinking positively about saving money, getting a job, and moving out after I graduate in 217 days.

Anyway I should be studying and sleeping at the same time but I am comfortable under my dryer blogging... But I will take my butt right to bed after I stop by a few of my blogroll's pages.

Goodnight!

Counting Down Friday 246days/35weeks

Hello beautiful people I know I am kind of late with this but it is better late than never. This week ended well I had my first day at my internship and I was pleasantly surprised. The place did not make a good impression on me so I prepared myself for a rocky internship. But when I got there they threw me a welcome breakfast and had welcome banners all over. The whole department came to welcome me and wish me luck. My supervisor was not as horrible as I thought she was going to be which is a plus!

On Tuesday I took my sister to school and realized that Fall is truely here in full force with morning mist, cold temps, and TRAFFIC. Traffic is not my favorite thing but over here there is NO escaping it... its pretty impossible unless your day starts a midnight. One of my classes are overwhelming me with information so I am trying to review throughout the week so when midterms roll around I am not as stressed to study for it.

I applied for a research job and I got it! I am pretty excited about the job I just have to make sure I find time to complete the work required. It is pretty flexible which is beneficial for me and it will look great on the resume.

Other than that things are well... Classes seem to be falling in to place and the work is piling up. I cannot wait until winter rolls around because Winter is my favorite season and right now Fall is not cutting it.

Counting Down Friday 253

253 days!

I am excited to say that I am done the second week of classes. Although I am already stressed out I am happy to be back in the swing of things. I have been bombarded with papers, tests, and presentation which is alot to worry about. I was also offered a research job that I am excited about because that is exactly what I want to do I am just hoping I can manage to joggle everything. Next Friday will be my first day at my internship I am anxious about starting because I will be interning at a super busy hospital but I am up for the challenge. Wish me luck!

Any ideas for stress relieving activities? I might need a few this semester...

A Summer's End

Hello beautiful womyn! I know it has been a long while since I posted a read, I've been on hiatus. I wanted to give you a final update on my summer and let you know I am back! So let me give you a summary of my summer since it is pretty much over for me.

I did not have much time to myself to enjoy the beautiful summer because I completed two summer courses. The courses at the end of it all only left me with a couple of weeks of free time which ended being errand time for me to prepare for the fall. But I did get to see Tracy Chapman perform live as well as Natalie Stewart. The Tracy Chapman concert was such a wonderful experience! She is completely amazing, It was a memorable experience and I hope to see her live again. I wish I got a picture with her but maybe next time.

I start classes in on Monday and although I am excited to graduate, I wish I had a little more time to play. But I am ready to get back into the swing of things and I am ready to learn (nerdy right?). The good news is I am planning a vacation to Vegas in January around my birthday so I am really looking forward to that. I also want to plan a cruise/vacation to celebrate me graduating but I am not sure where I want to go just yet. Any ideas?

On a not so great note I lost another friend this summer. What is up with that two summers in a row? I am pretty bummed about it because I know there is no repairing it this time. I've know this friend since my freshman year in college and it is hard to see us part. But I know things happen for a reason and this was out of my control. As I lost this friend I did end up gaining another one and I am grateful for this new friend.

So as I say goodbye to summer 2009 I am welcoming new experiences, change, and learning in fall 2009.

Just exploring Evolving....

Gliding

You know those insects that stand on top of the water and when they move it looks like they are gliding. they never submerge themselves in the water though. They stay on top almost like they are too good to get wet. When I see them in the pond I wonder why do they do what they do? (besides there is a place and purpose for everything an it's God's creation). I know they were built like that for a reason but whats the reason?
Sometimes I feel that way though. In any relationship I seem to sit on top of the water not ever getting submerged. I try to put my all in the relationships I struggle with it too but at the end I feel like not even one leg got submerged. I know what I do is not enough but I do not know how to make it enough. I know I have a hard time letting people get close to me to see my vulnerabilities some I don't even know about. I pull back, push away, don't let them get close, and then I leave. Sometimes I find a reason and other times I do not.
Although I try my hardest to make "this one" different it turns out the same. I run away! From what? I have no idea.I want to let my guard down for once and get a little wet, but I just don't know how. I am striving to exploring me and trying to learn and correct myself.
~Evovling

Ahh life what an adventure...

I don't like to complain everytime I blog but this blog is about complaining. I've not been writing much cause there isn't even enough time to sleep at night ( 3-4 hrs a night hasn't been working well for me). But I can at least say that I'm happy in my personal life which has not been the case in forever... I'm in a relationship and we are both trying to take it one day at a time. We are learning so much about each other and from each other. We are trying to spend as much time as we can together but we both work and are super busy at times. Its crazy how life throws you such a curve ball that you don't know what to do with yourself and how to approach the situation. Well finally I've approached it with the mindset of not being afraid to fall cause if I am thats when i'll get hurt, its been working and I'm happy. 

So back to the complaining I've been having problems with my internship and right when I solved one problem another one has popped up. And it seems like the problem won't go away until I step on some people's toes to get what is best for me on top of maybe taking a grade that I did not earn for making another's job difficult cause I still have to deal with them in a class environment for the remainder of the semester. Since that isn't the type of person I am it is really difficult for me to do that but I know that to get the best outcome and education I have to do that.

Besides my internship classes are good, I'm starting to do some work but it still is not as much to make me say that yes I'm in grad school and its kicking my butt. My girlfriend has been very supportive of me, she says that school is important and that she wants me to do good. 

Ahhh life what an adventure...

Too good to be tru

Think about it... Have you every been in a situation where it just felt so surreal that you did not know if you wanted to believe it? You don't kno what to do or say so you keep it to yourself cause you know if you say something it might turn bad. Your mind is constantly racing trying to find some reason why it cant be real or some reason to sabatague something so sweet. It is hard to imagine that there is something soo good in your life but you try your hardest to just enjoy yourself. 

I'm going through that now and it's like wow! I had already given up and someone special came into my life. I've been saying that this is surreal and I don't know how to handle it but I'm cool with how things are going in my life. 

Its funny how you try to plan and plan and plan, and your plans go your way sometimes but not always. You try and plan every detail but you just can't. I'm glad that I can't plan everything and curve balls come into play at times...

I am still adjusting to the Graduate School, I thought it would be soo much more difficult. I don't know if it is because I am so occupied with work, school, and my internship that I haven't noticed the amount of work. But I've been worried about classes, I heard soo many stories in undergrad about how there is soo much more reading and work you have to do but to me it does not seem that way. I am still trying to sort out my schedule so that I can have free time and study time, but it is hard when for some reason my schedule keeps on changing.    

But I am soo grateful for the change and hope that there is more change to come. So I am trying to take one day at a time and adjust to this life that I just started living...

...

Im imagining an adventure so sweet

Just you and me 

that cant be beat

You've mused me

I was too concentrated on protecting my heart

Been treating my life like it should never start

But you came along unexpected

Calming me down just by your presences

That power you hold 

Not only I can see

Giving me the courage to move forward without fear and reflect on life

This feeling I feel is very new to me

I'm actually happy

But I'm ready to take that step to enjoy life

just walk beside me

And give me some encouragement to enjoy this adventure

The size of the room after 15 years...

Do you remember when you were little and your parents told you that they will explain something to you when you get older? You never thought that back then that day would actually come so you begged and begged for them to tell you explaining how grown up you were for being able to reach the cereal in the cabinet or touch the ceiling while jumping. Well for me that "when you get older" stage has come. Since I've been home my mother has been filling in the gaps of her and my father's divorce and stuff before that too. When she tells me these things I'm never really prepared. I don't ask her she usually just volunteers the information out of the blue. 

My mother has told me stories of reasons why they ended up divorcing and people in our lives back then and the true meaning behind their presence. I've asked my father several times for his side of the story cause I don't want to be bias to one side. But he refuses to give an explanation and tells me it's the past and I should move on. I was the biggest daddy's little girl growing up, until my dad moved out. I thought the world of both of my parents but there was something special about my father. 

Back then when I looked into the living room it was giant, it's own little world. I could do everything in that room from going from country to country on the couches to playing house. I thought that that room was soo big but now that I moved back I realized that the living room is just a living room. My expectations for that room was soo grand even though my imagination fufilled my expectations, it was just my imagination. 

I feel like the information that I've learned about my father has altered my perception of him. I understand that knowledge would alter anyone's perception but I was not expecting by this much. I was never too nieve growing up but you always think highly of your immediate family, it's like they cannot do any harm.