Becoming friends with an ex

Hey beautiful people. I'm coming to you with a question/semi-rant. How do you feel about becoming friends with an ex of yours? I am struggling with this question for many reasons one being blurry lines. In most situations if it is determined that you two are going to establish a relationship, there are lines set determining what is appropriate to do or say after a break up. But what happens if those lines are blurred? How do you fix that or deem the friendship as a bad idea?

In my case all but one of my serious relationships turned into friendships after we broke up. I do not see a problem with this because I know that it is strictly a friendship. A couple of times I caught them being inappropriate it was changed and we moved on. All in all the friendships have worked out. We are not the call everyday type of friends but a call here and there never hurts.

The one ex I am not friends with is very challenging for me. She wants to become friends but every time I try to become friends with her she wants to pretty much know my life story since we broke up. Specifically asking questions like: are you single?, Who is she?, What does she look like?, What are you doing with yourself?, I miss you, type stuff. If only you all can hear her when she says it, it's like she needs that information so that she can function in the world. If I do not tell her... oh she will try and find out things about me. I understand that friendships are about sharing but it's never about interrogation or investigation. Maybe one day we can be friends but right now it's not happening.


I'm not saying that it is ever a good idea to become friends with your ex. It just kind of happened with me. So considering boundaries/lines how do you feel about becoming friends with an ex of yours?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Letters (I originally wrote this on 08/01/09)

During the summer I wrote a lot in my purple notebook. I had some stories, poems, and some letters. I wrote letters to some people with no intent of giving the letters to them. My point of writing those letters was really just to say what I had to say and when I ran out of pages in my purple notebook I would bury the notebook under my collection of school books. I ended up talking about what I was doing and ended up getting strict instructions to write a letter within two weeks time and mail it off... I actually managed completing that task and sent it out. I was pretty nervous about sending it so it was a pretty good accomplishment for me.

Even after I sent the letter out I realized that I was even more nervous to call and find out if the letter was received. I was so nervous because I was not ready to hear the comments that may have been coming my way about what I wrote. Well we had a long conversation and I ended up crying. Not out of fear or nervousness but I actually had the opportunity to open up and talk her about how I felt.

My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

Friends

During my everyday observation of strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family I've realized there are some who have lifetime, season, and moment friends. The friends/ acquaintances that I know who have lifetime friends are very similar to the socialization between the girls in Sex in the City. In school I saw a lot of season friends using each other to all "get by". Most people "lose touch" with our friends when we move on to high school, college, jobs, or marriage.

It is the craziest thing to me to "lose touch" with someone you were close to just a few months ago. But I guess its not hard to just let life go on, right? When I was younger and still today I think in "wholeness" similar to an equation. Like with (+) or without (-) a person makes me (=) whole. For example I cried to my mother for years telling her that "its not right, even, or fair that I didn't have a little sister". It was like I was not ME without her. I know I would have been a completely different person without her. My wholeness constantly depends on my self-growth and others' wholeness.

I find it hard to accept friends moving on from me or anyone because they were such a part of me and my everyday life and now they are not. I feel like in some way it diminishes/ taints who I was with them in some way. Maybe I did something to lead them to the point of "no return". I just find it hard to accept the end of a once strong relationship.

Blogging

I read a post by That Gay Girl Tamara about how and why she started her blog and who was her intended readers. I felt like in some ways I was in the same boat as her, my blog is almost like a diary to me. I made it cause I had no one to talk to while I was still am going through life. As a child I would try to write in a diary but I could not bring myself to write in it. I was too afraid someone would invade my privacy and read it. My blog feels like a diary to me because its like me telling a complete stranger on the subway a bit about what's going on in my semi-charmed life. The likelihood of me ever seeing that person again is slim so I do not feel as bad for unloading my so called drama on that individual. I would also take judgements from these people lightly because they do not know the whole story.

In my younger years (LOL a couple of months ago) I gave people that I was close to my blog link to read a couple of posts. I did not think about them being a long time reader of my blog but I could understand why they would continue to read it. One reason being I am a private person that likes her solitude, so what I share on my blog I sometimes do not ever share in my everyday life. Sometimes I end up not posting some blogs because I really do not want to hear the questions, comments, and judgments from the people I am close to. I explained that if I really wanted to discuss it with them then I would have brought it up in conversation. Well that did not go well either.

Now I'm in the I do not care anymore way of thinking, cause I feel like I'm not obligated to explain myself. If you do not like what you are reading then STOP reading! There is nothing on here you "need to know" you choose to read it. So don't ask for clarity or anything cause it is what is written nothing more or nothing less. So now I am going to blog what I want and not worry about all that extra stuff.

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Fatty Koo - Chills

Hey Beautiful People! This song has been on my mind for a couple of days, so i wanted to share the song with you all. When I heard it, it put me in a special place :) ... Hope you enjoy it!

Missing a friend

Last week my ex-bestie posted some pictures up on facebook. I hadn't heard from her or seen her in almost a year. When I saw the pictures on my facebook news feed I got sad. I asked myself who, what, when, where, and how did we become so distant? I came up empty with every question. I assumed things but I have not one definitive answer to why we are not friends.

I know she took my coming out hard (she cried...?) and after that it seemed to go down hill. Probably due to the fact that I am a lesbian... Or maybe I waited too long to tell her... It really could be anything. I've been told that she was a bad friend for just leaving me hanging like this. But I still miss her... I really do! I have friends now that are awesome but they are just not the ex-bestie.

I was thinking about my past friendships and I've come to realize a trend. I am usually friends with them for a couple of years then something happens to end our friendship. It must be me right?...Yes I know in relationships with individuals there are moments, seasons, and lifetimes. All I've encountered so far are moments and seasons. I have hopes for lifetime but it has not worked out. Hmph...

I was told that I have high expectations for everyone around me. I thought about it and realized that statement is totally untrue. I expect all people to be themselves and do things of their nature. Sometimes that means they choose not to change even if there might be a need for change. In general I think that there are standards that we set for the people we surround ourselves with.

I've been thinking about what general standards I have for the people in my life, I found it to be difficult. I think because I am open minded and willing to learn from anybody I meet. But this is what I came up with. First mean what you say... I do believe what you say so if you say you are going to change then do so. Yes I know change is a process and I will be there to support you, but with me actions speak so much louder than words. Second be a good friend, that's all I'll expect from you. Third I am an advocate for people who do not have a voice and if I could I would volunteer all the time. So if you have a problem with my kind heart then we can't be friends, cause its more than my profession.

So this is where I am. I doubt that I will call her cause she has her reasons. I just wanted to get it off my chest.



~Evolving

Reminiscing...

For some reason today I've found myself thinking about the spring and summers since I've been in Baltimore and the songs that were in my head. Please enjoy a little bit of my mental music journey:

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Gliding

You know those insects that stand on top of the water and when they move it looks like they are gliding. they never submerge themselves in the water though. They stay on top almost like they are too good to get wet. When I see them in the pond I wonder why do they do what they do? (besides there is a place and purpose for everything an it's God's creation). I know they were built like that for a reason but whats the reason?
Sometimes I feel that way though. In any relationship I seem to sit on top of the water not ever getting submerged. I try to put my all in the relationships I struggle with it too but at the end I feel like not even one leg got submerged. I know what I do is not enough but I do not know how to make it enough. I know I have a hard time letting people get close to me to see my vulnerabilities some I don't even know about. I pull back, push away, don't let them get close, and then I leave. Sometimes I find a reason and other times I do not.
Although I try my hardest to make "this one" different it turns out the same. I run away! From what? I have no idea.I want to let my guard down for once and get a little wet, but I just don't know how. I am striving to exploring me and trying to learn and correct myself.
~Evovling

life is complicated. It is not something we choose even though we have decisions to make in the process. I was talking to someone and she was talking about how we have a path in which we follow, during the course of following that path we have decisions to make. She then went on to talk about how if we made a different decision would we know the same people we know now? Or be where we are now? Accomplish what we have accomplished? 

I started thinking about this and how it relates to my life... What would it be like if i decided to go to Florida for graduate school or somewhere else? Would I be struggling with work, school, living arrangements, or socially?  Would I have made friends and would I still feel lonely? I can only imagine what it could be like. 

I was thinking about this and wondering what would really make a difference in my life. Would such a change happen because I chose a certain kind of sandwich over another? Or the clothing I wore for that day? Or is it the big decisions that matter? Like taking a vacation or a career move? Are those the things that alters our paths in life? Giving up or letting go of the opportunity to meet new people and experience new things and just learn without even knowing that we did such a thing.

Commitment

Being at home my mom and I have had alot of time to catch up and talk. She told me things I never knew about the past and the separation/divorce which was almost 15 years ago. We also talked about the present and future, where we would find ourselves in 10 years and such. Now in high school and the first couple of years of college my mother did not want me to get involved with anyone. Her rational was that I needed to concentrate on my studies and that I was too young to understand what love was. After my junior year in college she started asking me who am I dating and when can she expect a wedding. 

I avoided these discussions like the plague, cause I knew what the end result would be. I would explain that i was not interested and that I am not getting married... big mistake. First, she tried to bring up that my life is already laid out by God and I really have no choice; Second, if i will not get married I should start planning when I would go to the convent to become a nun (born and raised Catholic). 

Well undergraduate is behind me and I am ready for graduate school which is right around the corner. So my mother has been getting at me to go out with my friends, meet people, and date. I really haven't come out to her but i think she is starting to hint at my sexuality. She talks about marriage, compromise, and children constantly and ignores my comments on those subjects. 

I started to realize on television shows and some of my friends would talk about how since they were little they dreamed/imagined this fabulous wedding and exactly how it will be. I never imagined or dreamed of the "perfect" wedding for myself. I am way too independent to think about committing myself to a person in that way. I also have little faith in the whole concept of "forever" as it is used in marriage/commitment ceremonies. Statistically half of marriages do end up forever but half of them don't. And not one couple in my family both mom and dad's side are still together... unless you consider my grandfather's many wives back home in West Africa. 

I am 23 trying to understand me, I am living in the present. The past just left me and the future is ahead of me. Right now I love the way things are going and am not thinking of a "forever" commitment... Maybe something or someone will change my mind the the future but right now i cannot imagine it. 

Friends are like seasons they come and go pt.2

I've been going through some stuff as always with one of my friends. I've known him for about 11 years. We were really close friends back then and he was the only one I really confided in. During high school we had problems he started to like me more than a friend, I explained that my feelings for him was/is strictly a friendship ones. Since then our relationship never was the same. 

For the past couple of months no actually years really we have been speaking to each other on and off. We would argue about my relationships and what I should and should not do in my life. To me friends do not argue or judge or criticize (critiques on the other hand are fine). The arguments always felt stupid and pointless to me most of the time he put me down and judged me as a person in some way, shape, or form. I felt like every time I talked to him I was being policed asked where I went and with who and my relationships were always a problem. 

I really thought we had an understanding about how I felt towards him but I guess I was wrong.  It saddens me that I have to throw away a friendship that lasted so long but I cannot keep putting myself through this. I feel like my friend should be there to encourage, support, be a shoulder to cry on if need be, tell them when they are wrong, and give advice. To the best of my ability I've been there for him in those ways but his reciprocation of that behavior is judging me. For these reasons I have not made an effort in going to see him since I came back in town. 

Well I'm at my tipping point I've done everything I could to salvage our friendship but I guess I was trying to hold on to the past in doing so. Like I said in an earlier blog Friends are like seasons they come and go. Well this long season has just ended. All I have left is stories to tell cause I cannot continue.

I feel wrong letting go, but to keep me evolving its the best thing I can do for myself. A strong person can only take so much harm before reacting and this is me reacting... 

-Evolving