My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

Friends

During my everyday observation of strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family I've realized there are some who have lifetime, season, and moment friends. The friends/ acquaintances that I know who have lifetime friends are very similar to the socialization between the girls in Sex in the City. In school I saw a lot of season friends using each other to all "get by". Most people "lose touch" with our friends when we move on to high school, college, jobs, or marriage.

It is the craziest thing to me to "lose touch" with someone you were close to just a few months ago. But I guess its not hard to just let life go on, right? When I was younger and still today I think in "wholeness" similar to an equation. Like with (+) or without (-) a person makes me (=) whole. For example I cried to my mother for years telling her that "its not right, even, or fair that I didn't have a little sister". It was like I was not ME without her. I know I would have been a completely different person without her. My wholeness constantly depends on my self-growth and others' wholeness.

I find it hard to accept friends moving on from me or anyone because they were such a part of me and my everyday life and now they are not. I feel like in some way it diminishes/ taints who I was with them in some way. Maybe I did something to lead them to the point of "no return". I just find it hard to accept the end of a once strong relationship.

I got the DC job!

Yesterday in the mail I got the new employee packet for my job (if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and that). I will be starting July 6th and I'm looking for apartments closer to DC but still in MD so that my commute won't be so long because now it's about an hour. I'm excited because I'm officially a professional. I'm nervous because I do not want to be thrown to the wolves and end up failing. I feel like the bad gal because my family and friends are resenting the fact that I am actually moving on and moving out. I feel accomplished because I got my Masters degree, I am licensed in the state of MD and soon to be in DC, and I got a job in less than 3 months of graduation. I know that life is unpredictable and things can change at any minute but for the moment there is a smile on my face because life has been good to me. 
Til next time beautiful people!

~Evolving

Blogging

I read a post by That Gay Girl Tamara about how and why she started her blog and who was her intended readers. I felt like in some ways I was in the same boat as her, my blog is almost like a diary to me. I made it cause I had no one to talk to while I was still am going through life. As a child I would try to write in a diary but I could not bring myself to write in it. I was too afraid someone would invade my privacy and read it. My blog feels like a diary to me because its like me telling a complete stranger on the subway a bit about what's going on in my semi-charmed life. The likelihood of me ever seeing that person again is slim so I do not feel as bad for unloading my so called drama on that individual. I would also take judgements from these people lightly because they do not know the whole story.

In my younger years (LOL a couple of months ago) I gave people that I was close to my blog link to read a couple of posts. I did not think about them being a long time reader of my blog but I could understand why they would continue to read it. One reason being I am a private person that likes her solitude, so what I share on my blog I sometimes do not ever share in my everyday life. Sometimes I end up not posting some blogs because I really do not want to hear the questions, comments, and judgments from the people I am close to. I explained that if I really wanted to discuss it with them then I would have brought it up in conversation. Well that did not go well either.

Now I'm in the I do not care anymore way of thinking, cause I feel like I'm not obligated to explain myself. If you do not like what you are reading then STOP reading! There is nothing on here you "need to know" you choose to read it. So don't ask for clarity or anything cause it is what is written nothing more or nothing less. So now I am going to blog what I want and not worry about all that extra stuff.

I DID IT! WAHOO!

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Fatty Koo - Chills

Hey Beautiful People! This song has been on my mind for a couple of days, so i wanted to share the song with you all. When I heard it, it put me in a special place :) ... Hope you enjoy it!

Missing a friend

Last week my ex-bestie posted some pictures up on facebook. I hadn't heard from her or seen her in almost a year. When I saw the pictures on my facebook news feed I got sad. I asked myself who, what, when, where, and how did we become so distant? I came up empty with every question. I assumed things but I have not one definitive answer to why we are not friends.

I know she took my coming out hard (she cried...?) and after that it seemed to go down hill. Probably due to the fact that I am a lesbian... Or maybe I waited too long to tell her... It really could be anything. I've been told that she was a bad friend for just leaving me hanging like this. But I still miss her... I really do! I have friends now that are awesome but they are just not the ex-bestie.

I was thinking about my past friendships and I've come to realize a trend. I am usually friends with them for a couple of years then something happens to end our friendship. It must be me right?...Yes I know in relationships with individuals there are moments, seasons, and lifetimes. All I've encountered so far are moments and seasons. I have hopes for lifetime but it has not worked out. Hmph...

I was told that I have high expectations for everyone around me. I thought about it and realized that statement is totally untrue. I expect all people to be themselves and do things of their nature. Sometimes that means they choose not to change even if there might be a need for change. In general I think that there are standards that we set for the people we surround ourselves with.

I've been thinking about what general standards I have for the people in my life, I found it to be difficult. I think because I am open minded and willing to learn from anybody I meet. But this is what I came up with. First mean what you say... I do believe what you say so if you say you are going to change then do so. Yes I know change is a process and I will be there to support you, but with me actions speak so much louder than words. Second be a good friend, that's all I'll expect from you. Third I am an advocate for people who do not have a voice and if I could I would volunteer all the time. So if you have a problem with my kind heart then we can't be friends, cause its more than my profession.

So this is where I am. I doubt that I will call her cause she has her reasons. I just wanted to get it off my chest.



~Evolving

Reminiscing...

For some reason today I've found myself thinking about the spring and summers since I've been in Baltimore and the songs that were in my head. Please enjoy a little bit of my mental music journey:

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Evolving's Evening Rant

You know what... I am so ready to be left alone by some people. I feel like I've tried so hard to do my part and not lead them on but they just keep coming back which stresses me out. Just leave me alone. It makes me feel like I am in high school/undergrad it seems like I've always had problems getting people to leave me alone. Why do they think that they know how I feel? Why do they think that I cannot think for myself... like I do not know what is good for me? When I am mean to them they get mad that I was mean... Leave me alone! When I ignore them they blow up my phone... Leave me alone! Why are they holding on to something that is not there? Why are they living in their "fantasy world" or the past? Move on! I'm not interested!

This morning I saw a woman buy a coffee she looked like she was in her second trimester... When was it okay to drink coffee/alcohol or smoke when you were with child?

Why is my supervisor soo soo insensitive and bossy? She acts like she is the boss of the world and can tell the nurses and doctors what ever she wants. You are not a queen!... Stop freaking acting like one! AND and the icing on top of the cake is she keeps on pissing off the patients... Listen lady I do not want to get SHOT by these people because you decided to act like you are a queen! Help the clients be a FREAKING social worker! that is what you are paid to do!

Ok I'm done... Goodnight or if you are in another time zone good morning/afternoon!

Professionalism 101 Chapter 1

So recently I got a new phone or what I call the "professional phone". There were several reasons I changed phones 1) my other phone would not stay charged 2) it had been almost 3 years since I bought my last phone ( which is like 10 years in the technology world) 4) I needed a professional phone 5) I wanted to be able to blog, read, and comment on the go.
So I got myself a Blackberry. Its an awesome phone so far, there really has not been anything that I haven't liked about it. Supposedly I am supposed to be upset because I do not have a camera with a flash but I am not because I rarely take pictures. So I've blogged, emailed, oh and BBMed. This phone is pretty alright!
Do I feel like a professional... Just a little bit. But everyday I feel like a professional more and more. I think this means (according to Ty) I am slowly enrolling into the school of life. I am happy about that!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People! So this past week we were able to hear from some of our family members in Haiti but not all. We also have not heard anything from my god sister either. I am worried about them all especially that little girl. All we can do is pray and hope that they are all safe. My mother just left a couple of hours ago for Haiti. She is a Registered Nurse and Creole so she volunteered to help. I hope and pray that she will be safe there and admire her for taking action.

Classes started today and I am excited because I am counting down the days (by the way 110/ 16 weeks). I am frustrated because my schedule is messed up. I tried to resolve the issue before classes started but it was not resolved. Books are expensive as always but I am excited to start to making a step in a different direction other than school. Wish me luck!

Peace and Blessings!

~Evolving

learning

Well ladies I did it again. I honestly did not want to do that again. But I can honestly say I learned from it. I am not sure that anyone wants to hear that from their ex, date, lover, or friend but it is the truth.

Last year (read this) was a little rocky for me and i appreciate it because it made me stronger and wiser. I hope for more strength and wisdom this year. I hope I can learn and improve myself from the mistakes I've made. I know that communication is an issue but it is being worked out. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a prick in order to get my point across and that is not in my personality. I am a people pleaser and I've realized that in order for someone to take me seriously things need to change. I'm 25 and I hope to have alot more learning and if I do not I enjoyed what learning I had.

Sorry ladies this post is confusing but I choose not to focus any more on the "should have dones" and the "if I coulds"... I want to focus on the "what I learned" and the "loving, laughing, and living I enjoyed". Apologizes said, no regrets, and no take backs, it is just me learning. My 2010 anthem is still rocking in the background and although people do not like it. It is for me! "Because you never know where life is going to take you and you can't change where you've been but today I have the opportunity to choose. I choose!"

Ayiti

So I am officially 25. I took a well needed vacation and went to Las Vegas for a week. It was fun I had a good time. The day of my birthday Jan 12th was the day of Haiti's Earthquake. I do not know if you all know but my mother is Haitian born and raised there. I have not been to Haiti yet but I know that we still have family there. It was devastating to know that the earthquake happened to this beautiful country my mother calls home. She tells my siblings and I about her childhood and how much freedom and fun she had.

Since my undergraduate graduation I thought of going to grad school joining the Peace Corp and going to Haiti to help where ever I was needed. I found out when I got to grad school that the Peace Corp has not gone to Haiti since 2005. I was disappointed to find that out but I told myself I would find a way to make it there and make a difference. Since the earthquake my mother has been watching the news and hoping that she hears from the family in Haiti.

I know of one person in Haiti she is my god sister. I might have talked about her before I cannot remember but my godmother adopted her. When she was in the states she and I did not spend that much time together because of our distance but her story has always stuck with me. She was sent back to Haiti by my godmother when she had her own children... my godmother did not want her anymore. I then found out that the people she was living with in Haiti did not want her there either and treated her like Cinderella was treated in the movie. I am not sure where she is living in Haiti now or even if she is still alive but she is always in my prayers. I thought about her when hurricanes Jeanne and Hanna hit and every time Haiti is in the news. I still think about her. I wish I could do something more now but I know that my prayers are making a difference.

Beautiful people I am asking you to please pray and donate to the people in Haiti if you can. To donate $10 to the American Red Cross Haiti Earthquake relief efforts text "HAITI" to 90999. To donate $5 to Wyclef's Yele Haiti Fund text "YELE" to 501501. Peace and Blessings always!

~Evolving

Counting Down 194 days/29 weeks

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long while... Right now life in terms of how fast the days are going by is great! Home life sucks and so does my internship life. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about things but I am human and sometimes it slips.

Home life sucks because I am currently my mother's verbal punching bag taking all the hits for no apparent reason. I have come to the conclusion that my mother needs somebody to blame and I happen to be in her crossfire. I have no idea what is wrong with her but I was told that my approach to the situation is insensitive. I then realized that my sensitivity ran short a couple of years ago. It ran out because me being pleasant rarely worked to my advantage. Now I do not know how to sugar coat much and my bluntness is getting nowhere so I choose to just be quiet.

Internship life sucks because I have a controlling supervisor that does not have my best interest in mind. She does not want me to do anything and blocks my progress every step of the way. I tried to get moved around in the hospital and realized that no one at that hospital really does have my best interest in mind. So right now I am choosing to suck it up because if I do not I will not graduate.

Classes are wonderful I am currently not only passing but excelling and I am pretty happy about that. If only classes were over... but soon!

On another note I am so so so ready to cut my locks its ridiculous. I have only been locking for a year and 7 months but for some reason I have an itch to cut them off completely!

Anyway I got to go I should be studying, writing a paper, or maybe even both. Talk to you soon!

I was marching were you?

So even though I had a ton of work (as I do now at 3:03 am) myself and gang of 3 went to Washington D.C. to march Sunday. It was only a hop skip and metro ride away from home so it was not as much of a travel as New York, Washington, Utah, Massachusetts, or Florida was for some. There were so many people young, old, and in-between marching it was just amazing! But wildly while I was leaving Staceyann Chin literally ran into me I was most definitely in shock and instead of saying anything I moved away from her. Ridiculous right? I know! Anyway my sister was the official Exploring Me photographer for the day so here is her work. Enjoy!

Counting Down Overdue Fridays 217days/31weeks

Hello beautiful people! I am coming to you from under my dryer. How are things? What's going on in the world of blogging?

So I've been so busy with school and my internship that I have not had time to tell you what is going on with me. I've been soo soo soo busy that I have not had much time to even breath... CRAZY! I've also been talking about making moves for the future... I need to stop talking about it and actually make the moves! But there just seems to not be enough time in the day... I know I know I have to make time.

Short term: I have to start with the resume and work myself up to finding out what kind of Social Worker I want to be come May 2010. Right now I have NO idea which is a pretty bad. But I have been talking to experienced Social Workers and they have given me some really good ideas. :D

Long term: I am already thinking about me eventually going back to get my PhD in Public Health. Next I have to figure out what I want to do my research on when I go back. But I have time to think about it.

So currently at my internship it is not what I expected but I guess it is going well. My supervisor and I's personalities are clashing BIG TIME but some how we manage to do what we have to do to get the job done. I've talked to so many other Social Workers at my internship and it seems like they have so much more faith in me and my work than my own supervisor. I've been patient and respectful but this week if there are no changes I will have to make some on my behalf... and that is a promise!

Home like is bittersweet my sister is doing excellent I have not seen her cry over life being so difficult in about a year. That is good for me because what I came back home to do is actually working. My mother on the other hand is being a complete jerk... (now i know this sounds bad and to some extent it is but I've gotten some very respected opinions about the situation and they seem to agree). A little bit before school went back in session my mother started treating me differently. Then I brushed it off did what I had to do and went about my business. But now 6 weeks after the fact I am slowly coming to my breaking point.

While re-twisting my locs tonight (which by the way I've been thinking long and hard about cutting my baby locs) I've realized for some reason my mother no longer respects me. And it is apparent in the way she talks to me and even in her non-verbal communication. I am trying to not dwell because I am pretty sure I have not done anything wrong and because I need to get through this semester and year without any extra stress. So home is bittersweet but I am thinking positively about saving money, getting a job, and moving out after I graduate in 217 days.

Anyway I should be studying and sleeping at the same time but I am comfortable under my dryer blogging... But I will take my butt right to bed after I stop by a few of my blogroll's pages.

Goodnight!

Counting Down Friday 246days/35weeks

Hello beautiful people I know I am kind of late with this but it is better late than never. This week ended well I had my first day at my internship and I was pleasantly surprised. The place did not make a good impression on me so I prepared myself for a rocky internship. But when I got there they threw me a welcome breakfast and had welcome banners all over. The whole department came to welcome me and wish me luck. My supervisor was not as horrible as I thought she was going to be which is a plus!

On Tuesday I took my sister to school and realized that Fall is truely here in full force with morning mist, cold temps, and TRAFFIC. Traffic is not my favorite thing but over here there is NO escaping it... its pretty impossible unless your day starts a midnight. One of my classes are overwhelming me with information so I am trying to review throughout the week so when midterms roll around I am not as stressed to study for it.

I applied for a research job and I got it! I am pretty excited about the job I just have to make sure I find time to complete the work required. It is pretty flexible which is beneficial for me and it will look great on the resume.

Other than that things are well... Classes seem to be falling in to place and the work is piling up. I cannot wait until winter rolls around because Winter is my favorite season and right now Fall is not cutting it.

Counting Down Friday 253

253 days!

I am excited to say that I am done the second week of classes. Although I am already stressed out I am happy to be back in the swing of things. I have been bombarded with papers, tests, and presentation which is alot to worry about. I was also offered a research job that I am excited about because that is exactly what I want to do I am just hoping I can manage to joggle everything. Next Friday will be my first day at my internship I am anxious about starting because I will be interning at a super busy hospital but I am up for the challenge. Wish me luck!

Any ideas for stress relieving activities? I might need a few this semester...