F*&%# I messed up!

I can't fix what I did and Im afraid to go back because I might hurt her again. I involved someone else in my mess of a head and I hurt her, not just once but twice.

I entered something with her that I know now I was not ready for. I care about her and I don't want to do anymore damage. So I'm afraid of what the future might hold.

One problem I definitely have is communicating. I don't want to say just with her because it is frankly with everyone this is why:

1. I cannot tell you what is on my mind if you ask.

2. I choose my words so wisely that NOTHING comes out when you ask me a question.

3. I can't even tell you what I want with my words but I will express it to you with my actions.

4. If you start to figure me out, I end up pushing you away. (figured that out after I did it)

5. Like I blogged about before my head and my heart are in constant battle... my head tends to win.

The thing is I don't know how to fix it or even if I want to fix it. I know this is probably my walls I've built around me and I can't/ won't let anyone in.

The crazy thing I seem to fix everyone else's problems family or work related. But when it comes to mine there is no time or for some reason I don't. Like I said before I am afraid of what the future might bring with the one I hurt and in general. That fear is starting to do damage in my life.

I keep so much in you would think I'd have some answers... sad to say I don't.

Just exploring evolving...