I've been trying to get my thoughts out and make sense out of it but I've been unsuccessful but I've been listening to music and this has been one that I actually like...

 

Long time coming...

Hey everyone! I know it has been a long time since my last post. Well I've been stressing out about finding a job and now that I have one, I've already gotten a promotion in less than 3 weeks of working there, so the pressure is on. I am now trying to balance work and the reason I came back home... my sister. My sister is at that age where guys are starting to like her and she is starting to like guys. I try to stay out of it as much as possible to give her room to learn and grow, but occasionally she asks me for advice. I am glad that she feels comfortable to be able to come and talk to me in time of adolescent crisis. It has been hard and I feel like I have no time to myself and even though I am around people I love, I'm lonely. I guess everyone else has been on my mind and not myself. 

I am working at a group home with girls from 12-17 teens are a trip and a half just like adults. They will be your friend when they want something and your enemy whenever they feel like it. At times its taxing cause they love you and hate you at the same time but I already love the job. I go home after getting off of work and thank my mother for being who she is and taking care of me the way she did cause there are people less fortunate than me. The job lets me know that people don't change, there are 2 girls there that are there because of their sexuality and their parents could not deal with it. That really saddens my heart to know that there are people in the world so close minded that they would turn their back on their own child... it is sad. 

When I'm at work and get a chance I get online on my cell phone and read your blogs. This part of my life centers me and I like reading about you all. It makes me feel less lonely. I feel like I'm out growing my friend or on a different level than she is, so there is not anyone to talk to anymore. Which makes my loneliness grow even more. 

Decision making has and is very hard cause my sister is my #1 priority and taking the promotion in a way I felt like I let her down. I came here to make her adolescents better and easier than mine was and to get her out of the house more than before. I really came home to make my mom and sister's life easier and I hope my presence is accomplishing that goal. I even started contemplating how it would have been like right now if I was at FAMU but I can't look back I have to look forward. Now I have to think about saving my money to buy a home or renting cause of convenience... decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am adjusting to my surrounding well, I've been to a couple of lounges and a poetry night that was really good. I am still hoping that the semester comes soon though I really want to get back in the swing of things. I hope that soon I'll find a friend to talk to because right now I feel like I have no outlet from work, school, and my family.  

I miss music

I miss my group 

I miss the sounds 

I miss reading music

I miss the challenge of learning a new song

I miss performing

I miss concerts

I miss watching others perform  

I miss the uniform 

I miss the audience

I miss the lyrics

I miss the conductor conducting

I miss the art

Summer is the worst for me I can't perform... I need to go to a concert hall and watch a concert.

Commitment

Being at home my mom and I have had alot of time to catch up and talk. She told me things I never knew about the past and the separation/divorce which was almost 15 years ago. We also talked about the present and future, where we would find ourselves in 10 years and such. Now in high school and the first couple of years of college my mother did not want me to get involved with anyone. Her rational was that I needed to concentrate on my studies and that I was too young to understand what love was. After my junior year in college she started asking me who am I dating and when can she expect a wedding. 

I avoided these discussions like the plague, cause I knew what the end result would be. I would explain that i was not interested and that I am not getting married... big mistake. First, she tried to bring up that my life is already laid out by God and I really have no choice; Second, if i will not get married I should start planning when I would go to the convent to become a nun (born and raised Catholic). 

Well undergraduate is behind me and I am ready for graduate school which is right around the corner. So my mother has been getting at me to go out with my friends, meet people, and date. I really haven't come out to her but i think she is starting to hint at my sexuality. She talks about marriage, compromise, and children constantly and ignores my comments on those subjects. 

I started to realize on television shows and some of my friends would talk about how since they were little they dreamed/imagined this fabulous wedding and exactly how it will be. I never imagined or dreamed of the "perfect" wedding for myself. I am way too independent to think about committing myself to a person in that way. I also have little faith in the whole concept of "forever" as it is used in marriage/commitment ceremonies. Statistically half of marriages do end up forever but half of them don't. And not one couple in my family both mom and dad's side are still together... unless you consider my grandfather's many wives back home in West Africa. 

I am 23 trying to understand me, I am living in the present. The past just left me and the future is ahead of me. Right now I love the way things are going and am not thinking of a "forever" commitment... Maybe something or someone will change my mind the the future but right now i cannot imagine it. 

Lenelle Moise

I think she is a wonderful artist and I wanted to leave June on a good note. I'm supporting my fellow Haitian and artist. www.lenellemoise.com

Friends are like seasons they come and go pt.2

I've been going through some stuff as always with one of my friends. I've known him for about 11 years. We were really close friends back then and he was the only one I really confided in. During high school we had problems he started to like me more than a friend, I explained that my feelings for him was/is strictly a friendship ones. Since then our relationship never was the same. 

For the past couple of months no actually years really we have been speaking to each other on and off. We would argue about my relationships and what I should and should not do in my life. To me friends do not argue or judge or criticize (critiques on the other hand are fine). The arguments always felt stupid and pointless to me most of the time he put me down and judged me as a person in some way, shape, or form. I felt like every time I talked to him I was being policed asked where I went and with who and my relationships were always a problem. 

I really thought we had an understanding about how I felt towards him but I guess I was wrong.  It saddens me that I have to throw away a friendship that lasted so long but I cannot keep putting myself through this. I feel like my friend should be there to encourage, support, be a shoulder to cry on if need be, tell them when they are wrong, and give advice. To the best of my ability I've been there for him in those ways but his reciprocation of that behavior is judging me. For these reasons I have not made an effort in going to see him since I came back in town. 

Well I'm at my tipping point I've done everything I could to salvage our friendship but I guess I was trying to hold on to the past in doing so. Like I said in an earlier blog Friends are like seasons they come and go. Well this long season has just ended. All I have left is stories to tell cause I cannot continue.

I feel wrong letting go, but to keep me evolving its the best thing I can do for myself. A strong person can only take so much harm before reacting and this is me reacting... 

-Evolving

Just one of those days...

So Im having just one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong... car trouble, friends, and the list goes on.... Im sitting here listening to Michael Jackson's Man In The Mirror... I changed the lyrics to fit me: 

I'm starting with the womyn in
the mirror, I'm asking her to change
her ways;
and no message could have
been any clearer,
if you wanna make the world
a better place,
take a look at yourself, and
then make a change!

I don't want so much as to change who I am but its making me feel a little better. If you haven't heard the song please download it, it really will make you think about YOU which sometimes we all need to do. Im learning more and more about myself as Im thinking too...