Going through...

I have been on a mission to talk to all of my friends (close and not so close) just to see how everyone is doing. I've talked to a few and it seems like all of them are at a turning point in their lives. They all have said that they feel like life is getting too hard for them and they feel like they are going to break down.

I was glad I called them if only I was a listening ear to them and if some how I consoled them. After getting off the phone with them I felt guilty like I have not been the friend that they needed. I felt like I was a let down and extremely self centered. I thought to myself and asked myself a whole lot of questions. Why didn't I call? When was the last time we spoke? How did it get like this? Questions at that moment and it seems even now I do not have the answers to them.

So I thought and realized that I never really learned (if it is possible to do so) how to be a friend. From preschool to now I am still learning how to be a friend. Back then not so much learning cause I did not have any friends, I did my own thing in school. But now I am learning.

You would think that in my profession it would be set in stone on how to talk to people and be a friend but that is not the case. We learn as social workers to be empathetic and sympathetic in just the right mixture to not seem too invasive for a moment or forever. I would say just the right mixture and a couple of trial and errors would make the perfect social worker.

Even though the book says this and you could test me on it, I still feel like a horrible friend. I care about people and their situations more than I tend to care about myself but when the moment or situation is over, I don't know what to do next. Conversations with me tend to get quite routine and going out all the time is not really my cup of tea.

Saying "I care" and "I am always here for you" is never enough to me because it just feels like "I Love You"... It is said so so sooo much that it kind of loses its essence. When talking to someone I don't want to sound like a broken record or they think I am saying something just cause that it the "appropriate" thing to say. I sometimes feel that way and its not a great feeling. All I can think in a time like that is they don't really care do they?

At times when I call my friends they are busy in their own lives. They do not have time for even a little chit chat. So i end up getting into my cocoon and shutting everyone out. Then there are times like these when I call a friend and they pretty much ask me why wasn't I there for them when they needed me... All I can say is I'm sorry I'll try to be there in the future. Do they believe me?

I need to work on my communication, I know it sucks terribly.

Just exploring Evolving...