I worry too much. In high school my principal told me that in whatever you do this is the order 1. God, 2. Family, 3. School, 4. and everything else... That really stuck to me and now I am 24yrs old 6 years out of high school and I still follow that order.
When I was 8yrs old my life changed I went from daddy's little girl in the perfect family to me taking on some of my mother and father's role after my parents split up. So at 8 I was taking care of a newborn, cooking, cleaning, and making sure my siblings woke up and got ready for school.
Now I purposefully moved from from where I did my undergraduate work back to my hometown for my family and I would make that move again if it was for my family. Although we all grew up I never let go of the roles I had as a child. These rules are really apart of me now. I know the likelihood of my siblings to speaking up without me is slim and I know that they still need me and that is why I moved back.
I know its hard for someone on the outside looking in thinks this would be unusual that my siblings and I have such a close relationship that I take on some responsibilities that are not mine to take that I would sacrifice anything for them. Well I've been in a couple of relationships where they did not understand and one of my siblings in one now. And she has made him completely cold towards his immediate family.
I can only explain myself to make them understand and if they don't then they just don't understand.But God, my family, and school comes before any relationship. Because before "our" relationship my those three parts of my life were there and after the relationship (if we break up) they still will be there.They will be my strength, courage, and wisdom, they will be there when I cannot be there for them.
Recently my mother and my sister went to see my brother at his college which is about 6-7hrs away from my home town. I was in a relationship then and we planned a nice weekend together.The day my mom and sister were supposed to be coming back I got a call that they were in a car accident and they were in a car accident and they were in a hospital 5hrs away from home. My mother already secured a ride to bring them back home.
I was invited to go. I wanted to go soo bad but my health was preventing me to go. I declined and felt extremely bad that I did not go and get them. I felt like they could not depend on me when they needed me the most. I felt like I let them down although I could not go. I felt like my partner was the reason when she really was not the reason I did not go. But they came back safe, a little sore with an un-driveable vehicle but alive and well.
I worry everyday that my family will call me and wont be able to reach me and the one time that it really counts will be the one time I am not available. It scares me to know that I might not be there to help. I know one day that the person in my life the one I commit to will be apart of my family and I will do everything and be there for her as well.
I know that right now it is not possible for me to commit like I want to and it is hard because I love to cuddle, kiss, and hang out but I don't have the time.
2 comments:
What about yourself? Would you place yourself (learning and growing) on the list?
I totally understand what you mean and what you are going through. My cultural background is not American and I have always been raised to put family, after God, first. I once dated someone who made me feel as though my close relationship with my family was unusual or “weird”. I would do anything for them and if it meant dropping everything with my ex- because my family needed my help, that’s just what I would have to do. I think Americans (no offense) have a tendency to be very self-centered and put family after everything else, which to me is unusual and “weird”. You shouldn’t blame yourself; if you could have been there for your sister and mom, you would have been. But they are ok, so everything is alright.
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