Friends are like seasons they come and go

Reminiscing to freshmen year I remembered all the new friends I made and some I lost. In high school one of my friends told me that friends are like seasons I did not understand at first but now I do (she and I are no longer friends). Freshmen year of college I met people that were similar to me and their similarities really did bring us together. My roommate and I lived together, these two girls I knew from rehearsal and class became the people I hung out with outside of performances, class, and my room. We shared secrets, we cooked, we ate, we just bonded with each other and that brought us close together. 

But there was something that set me apart from them. after the first semester I began distancing myself from them and by my third semester in college the only on that I hung out with was my roommate. What set me apart from the rest? One of the girls and I are still see each other in our performance group and there is soo much animosity built up between us that if it came to it, we would yell at each other or worse fight (which I have no intentions on doing). How did I let it get to that level?  In a class I'm taking this semester I just learned about the group called ACT UP, they were founded in New York in the late 1980s. They are an HIV (back then AIDS) coalition check the website out www.actupny.org in the beginning their symbol was an upside down pink triangle (Nazi training camp symbol to recognize gay men) and under it read SILENCE = DEATH (powerful right?). 

Think about it... silence=ignorance, ignorance=fear, fear=hatred, hatred=violence, violence=death. I related that to this girl and I, we just stopped talking to one another and after a time it just festered and became this huge thing that's really nothing. I was thinking that the ignorance between us really did us in, I felt like she was lying to herself. I know that's very judgemental of me but let me tell you how it was. Its like being the kid who gets picked on in school and you can't stand the people who pick on you so much, but then you become them, What kind of sense does that make? None to me that's why I felt that way. 

Now I really don't think it is necessary to fix this relationship between us cause of the way she acts towards other members in the group even teachers. In this case she is a season and now I can't see how we were ever friends. She was put in my life for a reason but I don't know why, I can't think of what I learned from her.

My roommate and I are still friends we have our moments when we are not talking to each other but over all we are really close. I do believe that she shares alot with me and some how I've gotten away with not sharing everything with her about me. I love her to death but in my opinion she can be close minded (like my mother) and I can't share something with someone that will judge me or what I stand for. 

To you: What happened to those friends you had in high school or college? You know the one that you were soo close to but not anymore? What happened between you two to separate you from them? Did you learn from them? What set you apart? let me know

~Evolving 

Aloha

I'm going to Hawaii for a week in May and I'm excited. I've never been and hope to get alot out of the experience. Its not an all fun trip its me and a group of musicians and we are going to musically delight anyone who wants to listen there. Every time we go on tour like this I learn so much more about myself. Its 7 days long and by the 4th day I start spending more time by myself, I don't understand yet why I do that but maybe I'll understand just a little more this time. 

I don't have much in common with my fellow musicians besides music and so it would be hard to hang out with them and have fun. It was funny cause we first had 4 people to a room, so I had some roomies but now it is 2 to a room. I'm kinda the odd Womyn out in the group so now I have no one to room with (great for me but not if  someone gets randomly stuck in a room with me). Anyway I will find ways to have fun and learn something too.

I don't consider this a vacation cause I still have work to do but it will be a refreshing break. Don't worry I just bought myself a digital camera (my first camera) and I'm going to take lots of pictures so that I can show you the beautiful scenery. I'm thinking about bringing my laptop but its new too and I paid alot for it, I don't want anything to happen to it but the hotel has WiFi (so tempting). Its tempting cause I know I'll have alot to talk about. Should I bring it? 

Can't wait to go just have to get through the next 3 weeks with moving, classes, job hunting, and work... 

I love to reading and since it is going to be a 15hr flight I want to stock up on some books any suggestions?

Tracy Chapman

Is my all time favorite artist. She is very talented playing all the instruments she does and I can really respect that cause I am also a musician. 

When I see her live (on YouTube that is) I always wonder when and how did she come to the moment when all made sense? I think about how I came to the realization that the world is not what it seems. I have to really look at it with eyes wide open to actually see what is going on. I couldn't afford to be closed minded about the world. I admire that Tracy Chapman is who she is. She inspires me to further look for the Womyn in me.  

Imagine

So I'm driving to my internship and it's quite a long drive. I started thinking about love and how a person cannot truly love another without empathizing with another which gives you the ability to imagination. It then dawned on me that I might have lost my own imagination to reality. I consider myself to be real person and think of all the possibilities in any situation leaving nothing to imagine. So it seems that reality has moved into my designated section for imagination. It was saddening to realizing that and I morned the demise of my imagination. Then I started thinking of ways to gain that back and I've come up with nothing so far. I empathize with others but when it comes to me I seem to be lacking. Do you have to empathize with others as well as yourself to be able to love? When imagination is lost can you gain it back? Do you still have your imagination? 

Big Brother

Okay Okay I know... I'm really digging this show it is the second season that I've watched... My hero in the household for this season was James! but he was such a threat the whole house ganged up on on him and evicted him but he put up a good fight... Now I like no one in the house but I'm soo glad they just evicted dumb butt Natalie! she makes people in college look like idiots like her. 

I think that if I were on this show I would be most like Sharon cause I the quiet type to but that would probably be in the end a bad thing cause the other house guests wouldn't get to know me.

Anyway enough about Big Brother for now til they announce the winner.

Job!

I'm soo stressed!!! I need a job like badly back home for the summer and potentially while in grad school. Job hunting is so difficult! I'm moving back to a big metropolitan area on the east coast and I can't find a job? It's kinda crazy, I know it takes time but I've been searching since February. I understand it is a process but I feel like I am running out of time. 

I did go home last Friday to bring some of my stuff from my apartment to my mother's house. I was excited to be home even though I was only there for a couple of hours. My main reason for coming home is because I had an interview that day and I got the job which is exciting but it's a full-time position with the same amount that I make now. I am grateful for the opportunity and for even interviewing me but my options are open though. I'm interested in a night job really so that from classes I cam go right to work then to sleep. I've been doing night shift so it has grown on me so I can hang.

No Job No Money 

No Money No Apartment

No Apartment No Freedom

Attraction pt. 1

Finally some normalcy... I actually felt quite deprived for the last 2 days from my computer and the internet. I've been traveling and just got back and am stuck at work for a few more hours. I've been thinking on the many to and fro rides this weekend about my life past, present, and future. I came up on this professor that taught me my freshman year and with the help of her I went a long way I believe. I was able to be her assistant after the semester she taught me and she also gave me a job for the summer. She helped me grow in a way and I felt like she and her family was my family at school. 

Now looking back I feel that I was oblivious about alot of things and with this professor there were no clear boundaries set between us, which I now know was a terrible idea from a professional prospective. So one summer that I was working for her I commented on her jacket cause I had a similar one and she went out bought me the same jacket she had on and bought herself the one I had (not expensive... but still). I did not think anything of it until one of the other student workers of many she hired came to me asking me questions about the kind of relationship me and this professor had. The professor had a way of dressing butch all the time. They assumed since she dressed the way she did, I was with her all the time, and she hired me to work closely to her there was some kind of pederastic relationship between the two of us.

I denied it cause there truly was not any relationship besides her being my former teacher and me just being able to come to her and talk to her she was then and is my friend. It got to a point where the comments were getting to me I stopped wearing the jackets and eventually trashed the other one that I actually bought myself. The rest of the summer I did not hear as many comments but I still heard a few. From then on rumors went around about a fatal attraction relationship years ago between this professor and one of her female students. 

I started to believe all the hype and after that summer I did not talk to her for a long time. For a while I thought about what happened and what I did and what was said about me. I was so angry because I then felt like a person taken for a fool and enraged at myself for being so blind. Since then I've started communicating with her again and its like that period of no communication never happened. 

Sitting in my car I thought about her and the relationship we have now, I've come to the conclusion that the relationship now or before is not a pederastic one but a pedagogic one. I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet her and learn from her. 

This came about because I hear people talk about they realized they were attracted to their same sex at blank age or would tell stories about this time when they saw this person and knew they were different. Well I am trying to figure if I have one of those moments. You know how people have this radar about people and how they are a certain way and I feel like this teacher knew me before I know/knew myself. But sometimes I feel like I'm digging for something that is not there though.

I am attracted to womyn and I've told a select few people ironically all guyz and they haven't yet taken me seriously. I feel like my professor knew before I realized it myself. Or maybe this feeling has always been there and I just put it in a category of something else. I mean I always used to tell females that they were pretty model type and stuff like that but I really don't think that was attraction merely just complements, if it was it was subliminal. 

Questions, Questions, Questions???

2BC I'm still at work ready to pass out from the tiredness I gotta find something to do to keep awake... Still searching for the Womyn in me...

Introduction

Sorry I've been soo rude... I never introduced myself or anything. Well for now my name is Evolving, I am 23, and I am a soon to be college graduate in a month's time ( I can finally call myself a Professional and put letters behind my name!). I am going to attend Graduate School in the fall and I am anxious, nervous, and excited to do so. I started packing my stuff cause I am moving back to my hometown and am soo desperately not trying to move back home to my mom's house.

I decided to write this blog cause I needed someone to talk to in away if that makes sense. I've never been good at keeping journals/diaries but this does not seem like one to me (hopefully it works).  I am struggling to make sense of me and my purpose in this thing called life. I feel that I cannot talk to my family or friends cause I've tried and they think I'm just being complicated on purpose. But really its just me trying to make sense of things. My sexuality is in question and I realized that when I decided to go to Grad School back home I pretty much pushed myself into a corner where I won't have as much freedom to search for the Womyn in me. But I had to, I love my family to death specially my siblings and my decision was for my siblings. 

My plan was to got to school in Florida and have the freedom to do whatever pretty much. I would be able to be myself whoever that may be for the day and not worry about embarrassing my family or someone else. So it did not go that way and I know there is a reason for everything and maybe me making this blog won't make me feel so cornered. 

Again my name is Evolving and I am searching for the Womyn in me, I welcome you to my page and hope to learn from you as I learn from myself...

Daydreaming of Dreaming

Things going through my mind don't know what to do. 
Daydreaming of dreaming about you. 
Distance not a problem in this dream,
its in person just you and me. 
I want to tell you my secrets are you willing to listen? 
Sky's the limit I'll follow you the distance. 
To a place with no problems, no worries, and no cares. 
All I want is you to be there.

UPeople

So I am totally into the UPeople experience... I started to watch it and fell in love with it. I don't know what episode is my favorite yet but I'm in the process of figuring it out. It is true I bet if I really think about it I go through at least 3 experiences a week. I went to private school all my life and it was predominantly Caucasian. When we were in History/Social Studies slavery would always come up in some chapter. Of course me being one of 2 or 3 people of color in the classroom everyone would give us the look like they apologize for what was done to the slaves. Or they would stupid stuff like your hair doesn't grow does it? or it can never get long right? What in the World! How ignorant of you to say such a thing out your mouth!... yea that is my UPeople moment! But go to the website www.suckaforlife.com and tell me what your favorite is...

Oh I got my favorite its BK Girl in Amsterdam. Home gyrl with the glasses the Caribbean one she is HOT. I'm glad she told her story it gave me some inspiration, my mother is Caribbean and her and I have gotten into many discussions about sexuality and it never ended pretty. So for her tell her story I can really relate. Anyone know her tell her to message me ;)

Manic Mondays...

I had an epiphany this weekend that I AM GRADUATING! It really just clicked maybe cause I did not want to admit it or that I was just me waiting to decide what college I am going to attend for graduate school. College was quite interesting not at all what people say it is supposed to be. You know how people say you party hard your first two years and "find yourself" especially in the GLBTQ community some people see it as a time for first experiences with the same sex and all. 

I can't lie I did start digging for who I really am but I really have not found that answer and I am still searching for the Womyn in me....

I am anxious that it is almost over I did learn alot but I still don't know alot and am willing to learn more where ever Graduate School might take me.