Attraction pt. 1

Finally some normalcy... I actually felt quite deprived for the last 2 days from my computer and the internet. I've been traveling and just got back and am stuck at work for a few more hours. I've been thinking on the many to and fro rides this weekend about my life past, present, and future. I came up on this professor that taught me my freshman year and with the help of her I went a long way I believe. I was able to be her assistant after the semester she taught me and she also gave me a job for the summer. She helped me grow in a way and I felt like she and her family was my family at school. 

Now looking back I feel that I was oblivious about alot of things and with this professor there were no clear boundaries set between us, which I now know was a terrible idea from a professional prospective. So one summer that I was working for her I commented on her jacket cause I had a similar one and she went out bought me the same jacket she had on and bought herself the one I had (not expensive... but still). I did not think anything of it until one of the other student workers of many she hired came to me asking me questions about the kind of relationship me and this professor had. The professor had a way of dressing butch all the time. They assumed since she dressed the way she did, I was with her all the time, and she hired me to work closely to her there was some kind of pederastic relationship between the two of us.

I denied it cause there truly was not any relationship besides her being my former teacher and me just being able to come to her and talk to her she was then and is my friend. It got to a point where the comments were getting to me I stopped wearing the jackets and eventually trashed the other one that I actually bought myself. The rest of the summer I did not hear as many comments but I still heard a few. From then on rumors went around about a fatal attraction relationship years ago between this professor and one of her female students. 

I started to believe all the hype and after that summer I did not talk to her for a long time. For a while I thought about what happened and what I did and what was said about me. I was so angry because I then felt like a person taken for a fool and enraged at myself for being so blind. Since then I've started communicating with her again and its like that period of no communication never happened. 

Sitting in my car I thought about her and the relationship we have now, I've come to the conclusion that the relationship now or before is not a pederastic one but a pedagogic one. I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet her and learn from her. 

This came about because I hear people talk about they realized they were attracted to their same sex at blank age or would tell stories about this time when they saw this person and knew they were different. Well I am trying to figure if I have one of those moments. You know how people have this radar about people and how they are a certain way and I feel like this teacher knew me before I know/knew myself. But sometimes I feel like I'm digging for something that is not there though.

I am attracted to womyn and I've told a select few people ironically all guyz and they haven't yet taken me seriously. I feel like my professor knew before I realized it myself. Or maybe this feeling has always been there and I just put it in a category of something else. I mean I always used to tell females that they were pretty model type and stuff like that but I really don't think that was attraction merely just complements, if it was it was subliminal. 

Questions, Questions, Questions???

2BC I'm still at work ready to pass out from the tiredness I gotta find something to do to keep awake... Still searching for the Womyn in me...