(originally written 05/08/08)

Since classes are over I've had lots of time to think. I've realized that I'm really not looking for something that is not there like I did previously. My decisions for grad school have been weighing on my mind a lot and I know that it will be a struggle for me to get through it but I have confidence that I'll make it through. I've been moving my stuff back to my mother's house and I hadn't gone upstairs at all until a couple of days ago. Nothing has changed.   

My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

I got the DC job!

Yesterday in the mail I got the new employee packet for my job (if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and that). I will be starting July 6th and I'm looking for apartments closer to DC but still in MD so that my commute won't be so long because now it's about an hour. I'm excited because I'm officially a professional. I'm nervous because I do not want to be thrown to the wolves and end up failing. I feel like the bad gal because my family and friends are resenting the fact that I am actually moving on and moving out. I feel accomplished because I got my Masters degree, I am licensed in the state of MD and soon to be in DC, and I got a job in less than 3 months of graduation. I know that life is unpredictable and things can change at any minute but for the moment there is a smile on my face because life has been good to me. 
Til next time beautiful people!

~Evolving

Short & Sweet

So this post will be short and sweet sorry I don't have much time but just know I have a couple of posts in the works coming your way.



- Last Monday went well with my dad. The talk was not anything I expected AT ALL. My dad told me he has cancer and he was going for surgery... THE NEXT DAY! What a shocker! (Wiping the sweat off my forehead cause it wasn't about me whheeewwww!)


- The next day the surgery went well and my sister and I went to see him on Wednesday.


- He is out of the hospital but not out of the woods cause they are not sure if the cancer spread to other parts of the body.


- On a brighter note I went to the beach this weekend and had a blast doing absolutely nothing. Aside from some semi-annoying company all went well. Why is vacationing so darn expensive?


- Since I got back I've visited my dad everyday, he is getting better. In the process I've gotten to see my little cousin that I love dearly. He is such a sweety when he wants to be. Kids are wonderful when you can give them back to their owners LOL... But I'm so serious.


- I am still looking for a good job. I got 3 offers but they were not in my comfort zone of a good offer (one full-time position didn't even include health care). But no worrier I'll get something better. I'm still applying.


- Now that I have all the qualifications for that job I interviewed for I am waiting on them to send me an offer letter like they said they would.

- I'm just plan old TIRED for no reason.
Til next time beautiful people! Good morning/night!



P.S. Thanks Ty for checking up on me!


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So life begins... Or does it?

Hey beautiful people! It has been two weeks since I graduated. I really do not feel much different until I realize that I actually did it. I will be watching TV or driving and abruptly I start break dancing because I remembered I graduated... LOL yes break dancing even in the car! I'm so excited! Yay!
On Wednesday I sat for my board/ licensing exam and and and I PASSED! Yay me! Now I'm dancing again! LOL! It was really stressful for me to sit for the exam because everyone talked about how it is a difficult exam and most people fail it the first time. I am glad that the exam is over with. Now its official I am a licensed professional. Wow! I'm all that? (Raising my hand) can I go back to school now? No seriously!

The graduation went as expected. My older brother and his wife acted like it was about them, my father showed me off like I was art work, my mom was my mom, my sister was sad because I am leaving her soon, my younger brother was there yay!... And the same. But I managed to make it through the ceremony and through dinner so we did good.
Now I am actively looking for a job in the DC, MD, VA, and PA areas. I am leaning toward DC but any will do because they are all so close to each other. I am also looking for an apartment. Apartment= stress-free, more cooking, pets, and aaaahhhhhhhhhh! LOL does that last one make sense to you all?... That will be the sound I will make every time I walk in to my apartment.


In other news...

-My father wants to have the "talk" with me on Monday. I am assuming the "talk" is about marriage because he brought it up at my graduation. Knowing my father he probably has the man and marriage arranged for me. But we are not that close so for him it is probably a big deal to talk to me about it. He does not know I am a lesbian because when I came out to my mother she asked me not to tell any extended family or my father because the blame would be put on her. I've respected her wishes since I've been living in her home. I won't tell him Monday unless he figures it out. He has seen my girlfriend a couple of times so maybe he figured it out. Who knows!

-I need a vacation! Anyone else? I am going on a weekend trip next weekend but I need like a 7 day out of country vacation to get away from the hustle and bustle that my life has been for the past month.



Have a wonderful sun filled holiday weekend!

P.S. Thank you everyone for the congrats! and Thank you Ty for the blog shout out!


~Evolving

Oh Family!

I know everyone has family drama and it just seems like it never goes away and when you all get together it really seems tense. Well that will be my graduation day and I'm so not looking forward to it. The reason *hit will hit the fan is because if it wasn't for me none of these people would ever come together. In a nutshell it will be tension coming from my mom to my dad, my younger brother to my dad and uncle, my sister... Well you get the picture! I really don't want to go through this on my day but I am preparing for it to happen.

If I had the balls to say anything besides "let's just all get along for me on my big day", I would want to say to brother A: how can you be so heartless. You act like we pooped in your cereal. My mother: GET OVER IT! Its been practically 15 years! Entitlement is bull*hit! Brother B: you have a right to be mad but you can't start healing unless you deal with it. Sister: please don't get tangled in this mess! Dad: you are a dick and your brother is more of a father to us than you are! Grow up and be a father! And last but not least sister in law: mind your business! Some things you need to just let it be!

I feel so much better! I just hope that saturday all of that doesn't come out and we can eat a whole meal in peace.

I realize family drama will never go away unless I remove myself from it and I refuse to do that because they are all good people despite the drama and I love them.

On a good note... Yay! My brother is coming to town! My uncle is the best! Yay! I'm graduating!


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Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long long while. I am here for the moment but I cannot promise that I will blog more cause it IS my last semester and you know how that goes.
So the year (2009) has been trying for me but I made it through and I am so glad it is OVER! My life I feel has just begun! I wrote a post in January about how its my turn to choose and I am choosing to be the I best that I can be! So far I've chosen to open up and find me, I've chosen to communicate more (it is a real process!), I've chosen to not only let someone in but let myself be loved, and I've chosen to let go of the stress in my life. The stress in my life has probably been the hardest some times I feel, because of it I cannot live and not living SUCKS!
At the beginning of the year I thought it was going to be a rough end of my education and rough beginning of my profession. I decided to not sweat the small stuff and it has turned around. Classes are going well I enjoy learning and I am definitely doing that. I'm finding it extra tedious to do any type of paperwork or reading I think senioritus has kicked in. I am applying for my Social Work Licensure Test and I fear a rut is in the near future. Being stuck in a rut is one of my big fears and I think starting. In my field will do that to me. I feel that my collegiate learning will come to an end and I really do not want that. My girlfriend told me that I need to take a break from learning... that is going to be hard! I need some type of education so think I want to learn how to play hand drums. I think it will be entertaining while working as a professional. Oh my gosh a PROFESSIONAL!
My first thing that I will do after my graduation (maybe even before) is to find a job with health insurance because that is definitely priority number 1. Priority number 2 is getting my own apartment (long over due!). Priority number 3 is to get my own (no strings/rules attached) car.
My mother went to Haiti for two weeks as a Registered Nurse while she was there she saw my cousins and they were all fine thankfully. We still have not heard from my god sister though. My mother plans to go back at the end of this month for another two weeks as an RN. She did not talk much about her experience much but I do know that she is a strong woman. I commend her strength and her willingness to go back.
I want to plan my graduation celebration but I am not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
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Updates!

Hello Beautiful People! So this past week we were able to hear from some of our family members in Haiti but not all. We also have not heard anything from my god sister either. I am worried about them all especially that little girl. All we can do is pray and hope that they are all safe. My mother just left a couple of hours ago for Haiti. She is a Registered Nurse and Creole so she volunteered to help. I hope and pray that she will be safe there and admire her for taking action.

Classes started today and I am excited because I am counting down the days (by the way 110/ 16 weeks). I am frustrated because my schedule is messed up. I tried to resolve the issue before classes started but it was not resolved. Books are expensive as always but I am excited to start to making a step in a different direction other than school. Wish me luck!

Peace and Blessings!

~Evolving

Ayiti

So I am officially 25. I took a well needed vacation and went to Las Vegas for a week. It was fun I had a good time. The day of my birthday Jan 12th was the day of Haiti's Earthquake. I do not know if you all know but my mother is Haitian born and raised there. I have not been to Haiti yet but I know that we still have family there. It was devastating to know that the earthquake happened to this beautiful country my mother calls home. She tells my siblings and I about her childhood and how much freedom and fun she had.

Since my undergraduate graduation I thought of going to grad school joining the Peace Corp and going to Haiti to help where ever I was needed. I found out when I got to grad school that the Peace Corp has not gone to Haiti since 2005. I was disappointed to find that out but I told myself I would find a way to make it there and make a difference. Since the earthquake my mother has been watching the news and hoping that she hears from the family in Haiti.

I know of one person in Haiti she is my god sister. I might have talked about her before I cannot remember but my godmother adopted her. When she was in the states she and I did not spend that much time together because of our distance but her story has always stuck with me. She was sent back to Haiti by my godmother when she had her own children... my godmother did not want her anymore. I then found out that the people she was living with in Haiti did not want her there either and treated her like Cinderella was treated in the movie. I am not sure where she is living in Haiti now or even if she is still alive but she is always in my prayers. I thought about her when hurricanes Jeanne and Hanna hit and every time Haiti is in the news. I still think about her. I wish I could do something more now but I know that my prayers are making a difference.

Beautiful people I am asking you to please pray and donate to the people in Haiti if you can. To donate $10 to the American Red Cross Haiti Earthquake relief efforts text "HAITI" to 90999. To donate $5 to Wyclef's Yele Haiti Fund text "YELE" to 501501. Peace and Blessings always!

~Evolving

Counting Down 194 days/29 weeks

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long while... Right now life in terms of how fast the days are going by is great! Home life sucks and so does my internship life. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about things but I am human and sometimes it slips.

Home life sucks because I am currently my mother's verbal punching bag taking all the hits for no apparent reason. I have come to the conclusion that my mother needs somebody to blame and I happen to be in her crossfire. I have no idea what is wrong with her but I was told that my approach to the situation is insensitive. I then realized that my sensitivity ran short a couple of years ago. It ran out because me being pleasant rarely worked to my advantage. Now I do not know how to sugar coat much and my bluntness is getting nowhere so I choose to just be quiet.

Internship life sucks because I have a controlling supervisor that does not have my best interest in mind. She does not want me to do anything and blocks my progress every step of the way. I tried to get moved around in the hospital and realized that no one at that hospital really does have my best interest in mind. So right now I am choosing to suck it up because if I do not I will not graduate.

Classes are wonderful I am currently not only passing but excelling and I am pretty happy about that. If only classes were over... but soon!

On another note I am so so so ready to cut my locks its ridiculous. I have only been locking for a year and 7 months but for some reason I have an itch to cut them off completely!

Anyway I got to go I should be studying, writing a paper, or maybe even both. Talk to you soon!

I was marching were you?

So even though I had a ton of work (as I do now at 3:03 am) myself and gang of 3 went to Washington D.C. to march Sunday. It was only a hop skip and metro ride away from home so it was not as much of a travel as New York, Washington, Utah, Massachusetts, or Florida was for some. There were so many people young, old, and in-between marching it was just amazing! But wildly while I was leaving Staceyann Chin literally ran into me I was most definitely in shock and instead of saying anything I moved away from her. Ridiculous right? I know! Anyway my sister was the official Exploring Me photographer for the day so here is her work. Enjoy!

Counting Down Overdue Fridays 217days/31weeks

Hello beautiful people! I am coming to you from under my dryer. How are things? What's going on in the world of blogging?

So I've been so busy with school and my internship that I have not had time to tell you what is going on with me. I've been soo soo soo busy that I have not had much time to even breath... CRAZY! I've also been talking about making moves for the future... I need to stop talking about it and actually make the moves! But there just seems to not be enough time in the day... I know I know I have to make time.

Short term: I have to start with the resume and work myself up to finding out what kind of Social Worker I want to be come May 2010. Right now I have NO idea which is a pretty bad. But I have been talking to experienced Social Workers and they have given me some really good ideas. :D

Long term: I am already thinking about me eventually going back to get my PhD in Public Health. Next I have to figure out what I want to do my research on when I go back. But I have time to think about it.

So currently at my internship it is not what I expected but I guess it is going well. My supervisor and I's personalities are clashing BIG TIME but some how we manage to do what we have to do to get the job done. I've talked to so many other Social Workers at my internship and it seems like they have so much more faith in me and my work than my own supervisor. I've been patient and respectful but this week if there are no changes I will have to make some on my behalf... and that is a promise!

Home like is bittersweet my sister is doing excellent I have not seen her cry over life being so difficult in about a year. That is good for me because what I came back home to do is actually working. My mother on the other hand is being a complete jerk... (now i know this sounds bad and to some extent it is but I've gotten some very respected opinions about the situation and they seem to agree). A little bit before school went back in session my mother started treating me differently. Then I brushed it off did what I had to do and went about my business. But now 6 weeks after the fact I am slowly coming to my breaking point.

While re-twisting my locs tonight (which by the way I've been thinking long and hard about cutting my baby locs) I've realized for some reason my mother no longer respects me. And it is apparent in the way she talks to me and even in her non-verbal communication. I am trying to not dwell because I am pretty sure I have not done anything wrong and because I need to get through this semester and year without any extra stress. So home is bittersweet but I am thinking positively about saving money, getting a job, and moving out after I graduate in 217 days.

Anyway I should be studying and sleeping at the same time but I am comfortable under my dryer blogging... But I will take my butt right to bed after I stop by a few of my blogroll's pages.

Goodnight!

God, Family, School, and everything else

I worry too much. In high school my principal told me that in whatever you do this is the order 1. God, 2. Family, 3. School, 4. and everything else... That really stuck to me and now I am 24yrs old 6 years out of high school and I still follow that order.

When I was 8yrs old my life changed I went from daddy's little girl in the perfect family to me taking on some of my mother and father's role after my parents split up. So at 8 I was taking care of a newborn, cooking, cleaning, and making sure my siblings woke up and got ready for school.

Now I purposefully moved from from where I did my undergraduate work back to my hometown for my family and I would make that move again if it was for my family. Although we all grew up I never let go of the roles I had as a child. These rules are really apart of me now. I know the likelihood of my siblings to speaking up without me is slim and I know that they still need me and that is why I moved back.

I know its hard for someone on the outside looking in thinks this would be unusual that my siblings and I have such a close relationship that I take on some responsibilities that are not mine to take that I would sacrifice anything for them. Well I've been in a couple of relationships where they did not understand and one of my siblings in one now. And she has made him completely cold towards his immediate family.

I can only explain myself to make them understand and if they don't then they just don't understand.But God, my family, and school comes before any relationship. Because before "our" relationship my those three parts of my life were there and after the relationship (if we break up) they still will be there.They will be my strength, courage, and wisdom, they will be there when I cannot be there for them.

Recently my mother and my sister went to see my brother at his college which is about 6-7hrs away from my home town. I was in a relationship then and we planned a nice weekend together.The day my mom and sister were supposed to be coming back I got a call that they were in a car accident and they were in a car accident and they were in a hospital 5hrs away from home. My mother already secured a ride to bring them back home.

I was invited to go. I wanted to go soo bad but my health was preventing me to go. I declined and felt extremely bad that I did not go and get them. I felt like they could not depend on me when they needed me the most. I felt like I let them down although I could not go. I felt like my partner was the reason when she really was not the reason I did not go. But they came back safe, a little sore with an un-driveable vehicle but alive and well.

I worry everyday that my family will call me and wont be able to reach me and the one time that it really counts will be the one time I am not available. It scares me to know that I might not be there to help. I know one day that the person in my life the one I commit to will be apart of my family and I will do everything and be there for her as well.

I know that right now it is not possible for me to commit like I want to and it is hard because I love to cuddle, kiss, and hang out but I don't have the time.

It's my Anniversary!

I was a bit bothered last night so I came here to write about it. I did not know where to start or what issue to write about so I started alot of different topics but I was not satisfied. I saved the posts in my blog's waiting area with the rest of the unfinished posts. I scrolled down to look at all the other unfinished posts and I came upon this one. I realized that thi month will officially make it a year I started blogging and a year I started locking my hair. So I wanted to share with you a post that has been in my blog's waiting room since April 2008. Reading this blog I've realized that I've come a long way from the person I was then. I graduated, went to Hawaii, moved, came out to my family and friends, got a job, was in a relationship, started graduate school, left my job, left my relationship, and now I am here in April again. I am going to make a list of things I want to do before this time next year... Stay tuned for my To Do List.
FYI: I can tell you what the big deal is now :) I guess I needed that break...





The un-answered story of SEX
Today me and my best friend were on the phone talking about Sex and how I must be the only person on the earth that cannot seem to enjoy it. It is so weird that a couple of hours later I have my other friend in my house banging the mess out of this girl that is clearly not for him. Lets see I would rather be hmmm doing a lot than sex. I mean granite that my sexuality is in question for both you and I but the whole sex thing... been there and tried it and Um kinda boring. Its like the ecstasy that everyone talks about does not even graze my zip-code.

There was a time that I would have sex for the simple fact that I wanted to be "closer" to the person that I was with but the fact was they were just getting close to me that way. It clearly was not working out. So on my journey to find the Womyn in me, I decided not to have sex for the simple fact that I did not want to do it for just the pleasure of someone else but also for me. Well gyrl let me tell you that its been 2 years with so called temptations and not an arousal has sparked my interest in having sex.

Can you tell me what the big deal is?

We also started talking about the TV series The L Word... She has a new boo and he got her into the series so she was telling me about how much she likes it and stuff like that. Now I've watched a couple of episodes from different seasons but not a complete one (I'm trying to wait till i can buy at least 2 or 3 seasons). In my opinion she is a homophobe not as bad as my mother but its there. So while she was talking about the show I asked her if it's made her curious or changed her opinion about homosexuality. She said no she still only likes men.

Weathering the storm pt.1

My mother and I have been going through it. Our relationship through the years have been getting stronger but with me telling her that I'm a lesbian our relationship has gotten worse. She tells me that my girlfriend is hindering me from finding a good man to marry and have children with. She also tells me that I cannot be who I am because it is not right and my soul is on the line. 

I've tried to talk to her and explain to her how this is not my choosing but she says it is. It has been difficult to know that my mother does not accept me as who I am. She also thinks that who I am is because of the influences I had in college and she feels bad that she let me go away for undergrad. I don't know how to make my mother understand me and it hurts me inside to know that my mother is fighting a battle that Is not hers to fight. She even thinks my involvement with my sister is too much for my sister to handle at her teenage age. 

I am thinking about moving out thinking that that will make it easier on my mother and I. If we dont see each other everyday then maybe she can get through it with the many other problems she is carrying on her shoulders. But with moving my sister and I may loose the time we share because of my mother thinking that who I am is too much for my sister.

Right now I have no idea how to get through to my mother my words are not enough for her and my actions are too much for her to handle. I knew that my mother taking it well was only a phase and although I had time to prepare there really was not anything I could have done to prepare for this. 

Oh those motherly instincts...

You know as a kid when you did something and you had it set in your head that your mom will never find out but some how she does? She doesn't let you know but she drops suttle hints but not on purpose? Well I am kinda getting the hint that my mother's motherly instinct is kicking in. My mother is worrying more than usual which is pretty normal for her at times but she told me today that in what ever i do consult God and not to commit to something unless I am sure. 

It got me thinking on how much my mother knows about me and what she meant by the comment she made. I asked her but she told me just in general and would not explain any further. If she only knew I had so much to talk to her about. I feel like she would be such a friend to talk to in good or bad times but my sister who knows about me told me it wouldn't be a good idea cause she doesn't want to be band from seeing me or I her. I love my sister to death so for her I've been holding my tongue and its hard but ive been doing it.

Like I said before, since high school my mother always wanted me to become a nun. And now I think about that and how if she thought she knew about me then that would make a little sense for her to say, at least to me. My mom is a great person and I am her child so it is hard for me not to tell her anything. She tells me so much and teaches me even more but I feel like I am shutting a part of me off. In turn to protect my relationship with my sister and my mom from worrying about me on a religious sense. 

I asked her if she was open minded and I told her to think about the question and not to respond right away. Even though my mom answered my question about her being openminded and she said she was I didn't really believe her though. I felt like she was just saying that to get information from me. I can't wait until the time is right to talk to my mother. I am not sure that the she will be alright with it, but I am and that is all that matters to me. My mother's acceptance would be good but it's not mandatory...

The size of the room after 15 years...

Do you remember when you were little and your parents told you that they will explain something to you when you get older? You never thought that back then that day would actually come so you begged and begged for them to tell you explaining how grown up you were for being able to reach the cereal in the cabinet or touch the ceiling while jumping. Well for me that "when you get older" stage has come. Since I've been home my mother has been filling in the gaps of her and my father's divorce and stuff before that too. When she tells me these things I'm never really prepared. I don't ask her she usually just volunteers the information out of the blue. 

My mother has told me stories of reasons why they ended up divorcing and people in our lives back then and the true meaning behind their presence. I've asked my father several times for his side of the story cause I don't want to be bias to one side. But he refuses to give an explanation and tells me it's the past and I should move on. I was the biggest daddy's little girl growing up, until my dad moved out. I thought the world of both of my parents but there was something special about my father. 

Back then when I looked into the living room it was giant, it's own little world. I could do everything in that room from going from country to country on the couches to playing house. I thought that that room was soo big but now that I moved back I realized that the living room is just a living room. My expectations for that room was soo grand even though my imagination fufilled my expectations, it was just my imagination. 

I feel like the information that I've learned about my father has altered my perception of him. I understand that knowledge would alter anyone's perception but I was not expecting by this much. I was never too nieve growing up but you always think highly of your immediate family, it's like they cannot do any harm. 

Long time coming...

Hey everyone! I know it has been a long time since my last post. Well I've been stressing out about finding a job and now that I have one, I've already gotten a promotion in less than 3 weeks of working there, so the pressure is on. I am now trying to balance work and the reason I came back home... my sister. My sister is at that age where guys are starting to like her and she is starting to like guys. I try to stay out of it as much as possible to give her room to learn and grow, but occasionally she asks me for advice. I am glad that she feels comfortable to be able to come and talk to me in time of adolescent crisis. It has been hard and I feel like I have no time to myself and even though I am around people I love, I'm lonely. I guess everyone else has been on my mind and not myself. 

I am working at a group home with girls from 12-17 teens are a trip and a half just like adults. They will be your friend when they want something and your enemy whenever they feel like it. At times its taxing cause they love you and hate you at the same time but I already love the job. I go home after getting off of work and thank my mother for being who she is and taking care of me the way she did cause there are people less fortunate than me. The job lets me know that people don't change, there are 2 girls there that are there because of their sexuality and their parents could not deal with it. That really saddens my heart to know that there are people in the world so close minded that they would turn their back on their own child... it is sad. 

When I'm at work and get a chance I get online on my cell phone and read your blogs. This part of my life centers me and I like reading about you all. It makes me feel less lonely. I feel like I'm out growing my friend or on a different level than she is, so there is not anyone to talk to anymore. Which makes my loneliness grow even more. 

Decision making has and is very hard cause my sister is my #1 priority and taking the promotion in a way I felt like I let her down. I came here to make her adolescents better and easier than mine was and to get her out of the house more than before. I really came home to make my mom and sister's life easier and I hope my presence is accomplishing that goal. I even started contemplating how it would have been like right now if I was at FAMU but I can't look back I have to look forward. Now I have to think about saving my money to buy a home or renting cause of convenience... decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am adjusting to my surrounding well, I've been to a couple of lounges and a poetry night that was really good. I am still hoping that the semester comes soon though I really want to get back in the swing of things. I hope that soon I'll find a friend to talk to because right now I feel like I have no outlet from work, school, and my family.  

Thinking outloud

This was a while ago but it has been on my mind:

I was talking to one of my long distance friends and he asked me if I knew anyone who was homosexual. I thought it was a random question cause of the way it came up in conversation and I  felt myself tense up like he was insinuating something about me. Some how that passed and we started talking about Staceyann Chin and Thomas Beatie (he hadn't heard of either). He was so torn to hear Staceyann's story on Opera and I was too. It makes me cry everytime I hear it I'm first generation in the United States and I've never been home but if I couldn't live with my family it would hurt me so much I don't know what I would do with myself. But I'm glad that Staceyann is doing something meaningful to herself and inspiring to others.

After we got off the phone I started thinking about how I felt when he brought up sexuality, it's weird cause when other people bring it up I don't act like that. But this time I felt like there was a secret of mine that he discovered and he was calling me out on it. Then I read Journey_Wmn's blog linking us to Jasmyne Cannick's blog about the female student getting ready to graduate that came out to her parents and has practically been disowned.  It said how parents most often then not have a feeling that their child may be homosexual. 

That intrigued me and really made me think that if parents might have an idea about their children then friends probably hunch at it too. 

I've started to notice that my mother has been trying  to push me into relationships or to become a nun which ever comes first. I've expected this to come after I graduated but its still a little shocking, but i know in life i cant always please my mother. I can't really say that my girl friend notices though. We've been friends for 5 years and there are just things that we used to do as friends that we don't do as much anymore, I don't know if it is because we are not around each other as much or we've just grown apart. With my guy friends it is different I seem to be more open with them on who i am I can't say that they both accept that but it is what it is. One of my guy friends seems to hate hearing about who i like and all but i can understand that. I just don't talk to him as much as I used to. So my guy friends don't hunch at it cause they know but i'm still weary about my girl friend. 

I've come to realize that what people think is not going to change who i am they may assume and question though...