Lenelle Moise

I think she is a wonderful artist and I wanted to leave June on a good note. I'm supporting my fellow Haitian and artist. www.lenellemoise.com

Friends are like seasons they come and go pt.2

I've been going through some stuff as always with one of my friends. I've known him for about 11 years. We were really close friends back then and he was the only one I really confided in. During high school we had problems he started to like me more than a friend, I explained that my feelings for him was/is strictly a friendship ones. Since then our relationship never was the same. 

For the past couple of months no actually years really we have been speaking to each other on and off. We would argue about my relationships and what I should and should not do in my life. To me friends do not argue or judge or criticize (critiques on the other hand are fine). The arguments always felt stupid and pointless to me most of the time he put me down and judged me as a person in some way, shape, or form. I felt like every time I talked to him I was being policed asked where I went and with who and my relationships were always a problem. 

I really thought we had an understanding about how I felt towards him but I guess I was wrong.  It saddens me that I have to throw away a friendship that lasted so long but I cannot keep putting myself through this. I feel like my friend should be there to encourage, support, be a shoulder to cry on if need be, tell them when they are wrong, and give advice. To the best of my ability I've been there for him in those ways but his reciprocation of that behavior is judging me. For these reasons I have not made an effort in going to see him since I came back in town. 

Well I'm at my tipping point I've done everything I could to salvage our friendship but I guess I was trying to hold on to the past in doing so. Like I said in an earlier blog Friends are like seasons they come and go. Well this long season has just ended. All I have left is stories to tell cause I cannot continue.

I feel wrong letting go, but to keep me evolving its the best thing I can do for myself. A strong person can only take so much harm before reacting and this is me reacting... 

-Evolving

Just one of those days...

So Im having just one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong... car trouble, friends, and the list goes on.... Im sitting here listening to Michael Jackson's Man In The Mirror... I changed the lyrics to fit me: 

I'm starting with the womyn in
the mirror, I'm asking her to change
her ways;
and no message could have
been any clearer,
if you wanna make the world
a better place,
take a look at yourself, and
then make a change!

I don't want so much as to change who I am but its making me feel a little better. If you haven't heard the song please download it, it really will make you think about YOU which sometimes we all need to do. Im learning more and more about myself as Im thinking too...

Meeting People

I am not much of a social butterfly and my scenes do not involve frequent visits to the local gay clubs or any, maybe a poetry night or two not often. But I am interested in meeting people. In an earlier blog I talked about signals and me trying to use them to tell someone who I was. I don't know if that would help or not.  But I do want to meet people. 

I was watching the latest Cherry Bomb  vlog about "Gender Roles" and I am not into gender roles for me or anyone I am interested in... its whatever. It is much more to me than the clothing you decide to wear. I've notice in my area that is all you see someone being super masculine or super feminine not too many in-betweens like me. I guess that among other things like not being a social butterfly is making it harder for me to meet people around here. 

In undergrad I did not have much of a problem but i think it was the lack of interest in meeting new people. Now I want to have a couple of people I can just hang out with to just chill and have a decent conversation every once in a while without me having to worry about close minded remarks. 

I don't know it feels like I have certain friends and those friends and I get each other on different levels. Like its to that point we dont have to say anything to each other but we know what we are thinking. In my opinion thats a friend. But I feel that my friends are not ready for me to be all of me. When I start talking about California and the legalization of same sex marriages, Thomas Beatie, or just Pride 2008 or anything really dealing with homosexuality... This wall is put up and they just quickly find a way to exit the conversation. I want to have friends that are around I can talk about anything without all that. I'm still feeling cornered and am still looking for a way out. 

-Evolving

Soo... Im Confused, Contradicting, and Indecisive

Soo... Someone brought to my attention earlier this week that I am confused, contradicting, and indecisive. I did not take offense to these comments because I already admitted to myself that this is how I am. I've learned to deal with it and i improve daily. I personally think that in all of us is a little indecisiveness and that all of us can be contradicting at some point. We have to be don't we? To really know what you want in life don't you have to experience life a little? from your dreams, aspirations, fantasies, wishes, and imaginations you experience it then you realize that "well i said that I should like this but it turns out that this is not for me". I don't think anyone knows who they are until they grow and learn from their mistakes.
Before I used to take offense to those comments and say to myself why are you like that. It felt like the people who were telling me these things were attacking me, but I realized that I cannot do much about it because I am learning something new about myself everyday. With that I grow stronger, wiser, and less contradicting.
I'm opinionated, strong willed, motherly, and some say I am mean. It is hard for me to wear my feelings on my sleeve, to get hurt no matter if it is just a scratch... still hurts. I fight when I have to and care about everyone. I think the hardest thing I ever had to do was to learn who I am, for real. It's worse than taking an upper level college course. The chapters are out of order, quizzes are at anytime, and reports due at a moments notice.
I am ready for whatever life has for me.

Summertime

Summer is here and so far it has been great. I love this state compared to others because Maryland has all the seasons and the seasons are not too extreme like some. Our winters are not death chilling and our summers are not fire catching. All around this state has been good to me and I see no reason to think about living in any other state. 

Attraction pt.2

In one of my previous blogs titled Signals I talked about how I've been trying to pretty much get this girl's attention. Well I did the funny thing is she had a hunch about me all along. I asked her if she did then why didn't she say anything and she told me she did not because she was shy and if it was not the case it would have been embarrassing for her, which is understandable because I would have felt the same way.

So I am currently talking to her and when I told my guy friends about her the first thing they asked was is she cute? and what features are big? I got offended because that's not at all what interests me about her or any other person. She is more than just her body. I know I got offended because men have and still treat me like I am just a pretty face or amazing body, something stupid like that and they could care less about how I'm feeling or my views on life and the many things that interest me. So when they kept on badgering me on how she looks or if they met her before, I just dropped the subject all together. 

My girlfriend who I've been keeping in the dark about this, thinks that the lighter the complexion the cuter a guy gets. Really? She tends to date guys cause of their looks and then they end up treating her badly. How do you pick people to date? Looks? Personality? Other? Let me know! 

Anyway this girl and I have so much in common that I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. She is smart and fun and all around pretty cool. The down side is we live pretty far away from each other, I mean like a couple hours away. Now that is not a problem with me but I know alot of people have a problem with long distance anything. For now Im just gonna see how this goes. We are actually planning on hanging out and cause of the distance it is basically up in the air. 

My friend and I were talking about texting and the many joys i find in it and the dislike he has for texting. He thinks it is so much easier to pick up a phone and talk to someone specially when you are not doing anything. Where as I find it soo much easier to text then talk on the phone cause of interruptions. What do you think? Would you rather text or talk on the phone? Do you think if two people text rather than talking that it is or is not a healthy relationship?