Floetry: Fantasize

India.Arie A Beautiful Day

Enjoy!

Long time coming...

Hey everyone! I know it has been a long time since my last post. Well I've been stressing out about finding a job and now that I have one, I've already gotten a promotion in less than 3 weeks of working there, so the pressure is on. I am now trying to balance work and the reason I came back home... my sister. My sister is at that age where guys are starting to like her and she is starting to like guys. I try to stay out of it as much as possible to give her room to learn and grow, but occasionally she asks me for advice. I am glad that she feels comfortable to be able to come and talk to me in time of adolescent crisis. It has been hard and I feel like I have no time to myself and even though I am around people I love, I'm lonely. I guess everyone else has been on my mind and not myself. 

I am working at a group home with girls from 12-17 teens are a trip and a half just like adults. They will be your friend when they want something and your enemy whenever they feel like it. At times its taxing cause they love you and hate you at the same time but I already love the job. I go home after getting off of work and thank my mother for being who she is and taking care of me the way she did cause there are people less fortunate than me. The job lets me know that people don't change, there are 2 girls there that are there because of their sexuality and their parents could not deal with it. That really saddens my heart to know that there are people in the world so close minded that they would turn their back on their own child... it is sad. 

When I'm at work and get a chance I get online on my cell phone and read your blogs. This part of my life centers me and I like reading about you all. It makes me feel less lonely. I feel like I'm out growing my friend or on a different level than she is, so there is not anyone to talk to anymore. Which makes my loneliness grow even more. 

Decision making has and is very hard cause my sister is my #1 priority and taking the promotion in a way I felt like I let her down. I came here to make her adolescents better and easier than mine was and to get her out of the house more than before. I really came home to make my mom and sister's life easier and I hope my presence is accomplishing that goal. I even started contemplating how it would have been like right now if I was at FAMU but I can't look back I have to look forward. Now I have to think about saving my money to buy a home or renting cause of convenience... decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am adjusting to my surrounding well, I've been to a couple of lounges and a poetry night that was really good. I am still hoping that the semester comes soon though I really want to get back in the swing of things. I hope that soon I'll find a friend to talk to because right now I feel like I have no outlet from work, school, and my family.  

I miss music

I miss my group 

I miss the sounds 

I miss reading music

I miss the challenge of learning a new song

I miss performing

I miss concerts

I miss watching others perform  

I miss the uniform 

I miss the audience

I miss the lyrics

I miss the conductor conducting

I miss the art

Summer is the worst for me I can't perform... I need to go to a concert hall and watch a concert.

Meeting People

I am not much of a social butterfly and my scenes do not involve frequent visits to the local gay clubs or any, maybe a poetry night or two not often. But I am interested in meeting people. In an earlier blog I talked about signals and me trying to use them to tell someone who I was. I don't know if that would help or not.  But I do want to meet people. 

I was watching the latest Cherry Bomb  vlog about "Gender Roles" and I am not into gender roles for me or anyone I am interested in... its whatever. It is much more to me than the clothing you decide to wear. I've notice in my area that is all you see someone being super masculine or super feminine not too many in-betweens like me. I guess that among other things like not being a social butterfly is making it harder for me to meet people around here. 

In undergrad I did not have much of a problem but i think it was the lack of interest in meeting new people. Now I want to have a couple of people I can just hang out with to just chill and have a decent conversation every once in a while without me having to worry about close minded remarks. 

I don't know it feels like I have certain friends and those friends and I get each other on different levels. Like its to that point we dont have to say anything to each other but we know what we are thinking. In my opinion thats a friend. But I feel that my friends are not ready for me to be all of me. When I start talking about California and the legalization of same sex marriages, Thomas Beatie, or just Pride 2008 or anything really dealing with homosexuality... This wall is put up and they just quickly find a way to exit the conversation. I want to have friends that are around I can talk about anything without all that. I'm still feeling cornered and am still looking for a way out. 

-Evolving

AlOhA!!!

I'm Back! It has been such a crazy month to say the least... So I did not take my laptop with me to Hawaii and in a way I am glad that I didn't it was like a vacation from the everyday use of my computer. I did get on the computers at the hotel for the occasional facebook check and to check my grades, but overall it was nice. The group sang and a couple of locations and the performance was pretty good we had a captivating audience. We also got to see the island and went to the Polynesian Culture Center which was a wonderful experience it was pretty much a sample of all the different Polynesian cultures in one show. Where we were staying there was an abundance of Asian people there touring and store owners too. I was disappointed to not see any really African American people besides the group I was with. 

So the week in Hawaii was good with good performances, good people, and a good hotel. I have pictures and hope to get some up soon. 

Now I've been dreading the end of the week because I'm stuck at my mother's house with no where to sleep and I'm already miserable and its only been a couple of hours. I have no corner or private place I can go and escape to write blogs or just to be away from my family... Last time I was here I got no sleep... 

So this is definitely my motivation to get a job... 

Aloha! Mahalo!

Aloha

I'm going to Hawaii for a week in May and I'm excited. I've never been and hope to get alot out of the experience. Its not an all fun trip its me and a group of musicians and we are going to musically delight anyone who wants to listen there. Every time we go on tour like this I learn so much more about myself. Its 7 days long and by the 4th day I start spending more time by myself, I don't understand yet why I do that but maybe I'll understand just a little more this time. 

I don't have much in common with my fellow musicians besides music and so it would be hard to hang out with them and have fun. It was funny cause we first had 4 people to a room, so I had some roomies but now it is 2 to a room. I'm kinda the odd Womyn out in the group so now I have no one to room with (great for me but not if  someone gets randomly stuck in a room with me). Anyway I will find ways to have fun and learn something too.

I don't consider this a vacation cause I still have work to do but it will be a refreshing break. Don't worry I just bought myself a digital camera (my first camera) and I'm going to take lots of pictures so that I can show you the beautiful scenery. I'm thinking about bringing my laptop but its new too and I paid alot for it, I don't want anything to happen to it but the hotel has WiFi (so tempting). Its tempting cause I know I'll have alot to talk about. Should I bring it? 

Can't wait to go just have to get through the next 3 weeks with moving, classes, job hunting, and work... 

I love to reading and since it is going to be a 15hr flight I want to stock up on some books any suggestions?

Tracy Chapman

Is my all time favorite artist. She is very talented playing all the instruments she does and I can really respect that cause I am also a musician. 

When I see her live (on YouTube that is) I always wonder when and how did she come to the moment when all made sense? I think about how I came to the realization that the world is not what it seems. I have to really look at it with eyes wide open to actually see what is going on. I couldn't afford to be closed minded about the world. I admire that Tracy Chapman is who she is. She inspires me to further look for the Womyn in me.