Struggling

Hey beautiful people! It has been a long long while. It has been an unexpected hiatus. I am not sure if this hiatus is over but I hope it will be soon. I've been struggling with my thoughts. I've tried to blog about it but I end up with nothing to say. I'm not sure where to start but when I figure that out you will be the first one to hear about it. Anyway hear is the latest:
- Work is great and I like what I do.
- I'm all moved into my apartment but it's kind of naked in my living room and kitchen. I'm saving up for a new living room set and a great office for my kitchen.
- I gave my sister her car although she cannot drive it alone just yet (she only has her permit).
- I got a new car to me. My ex says it is quite the gay car. It's a 1995 Subaru Legacy station wagon stick shift. I named it Rusty. I like it so far :)
- It was a mutual agreement but I'm companionless. It is taking some getting used to.
- I did not expect that I would have such a hard time adjusting to being alone because I love my solitude. But somedays it is hard not to think about all the people that were in my life on a daily basis that are no longer.
- I'm bored and lonely which is never a good combination. My remedy is to find something to do. My plans :
~Get a cat.
~Find an ice skating rink close to my apartment.
~Learn how to play the Djembe. I'm not sure if I will take lessons or teach myself.
~Maybe take up kick boxing or karate (maybe).
~Go out more.
~I'm planning on planning a vacation

- My sister and mom are having a hard time adjusting to me not being home but I think it may be good for their relationship.
- My younger brother is in the process of moving to California to live a simplistic lifestyle.
- My dad is making an effort now to be apart of our lives and I'm hoping it's not too late for us.
- Life is overwhelming at times but overall life is good.

My new do

I finally did it after talking about doing it for so long.

My struggle

I've been meaning to write about this but when I started I did not feel comfortable so I stopped writing. I don't feel 100% comfortable but I won't so here it goes.

(I know that in life anything can happen because tomorrow is not promised but I'm a realist)

My daily struggle is with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease. For those of you who do not know it is a genetic disease where the red blood cells are malformed because of abnormal hemoglobin. This causes a person with the disease severe pain. In the picture above it shows you a normal red blood cell (A) and what my red blood cells look like (B). This disease came about because of malaria. I call it the "natural defense" mechanism because sickle cell anemia naturally protects the body from malaria. So anyone like myself cannot acquire malaria. Not everyone can inherit this disease people in places such as Africa, Caribbean, Mediterranean, and other countries with a large population of mosquitoes carrying malaria can only inherit this disease. I don't want this post to turn into a health/biology lesson so if you want to learn more about it go to THIS LINK (it's a dot org so they know what they are talking about).

I was diagnosed a little before my first birthday. Although my struggles with constant pain has not been easy I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me. 

I was lucky enough to be diagnosed at a young age because after I was diagnosed my mother did everything in her power to learn about my disease. I am grateful for the knowledge and patience my family has had with me because my struggles with constant pain has not been easy. The doctors told my family I probably would not live past the age of 5. When I surpassed their prediction they told her I wouldn't live past the age of 8. Today research says that the average sickle cell disease patient lives to be 35-45 years old. 

At such a young age I learned really quickly about death and for some reason I was never afraid. Then I spent many nights in the hospital and got so accustom to the hospital that I used to call it my second home. I look like a typical young adult so when I tell people about my struggle they are in disbelief. It becomes difficult for me to tell them I'm in pain because someone who is sick usually looks sick but I do not. I've accomplished a lot in my life and I feel like there is more for me to do but in the back of my mind I'm worried about my demise because of how it may impact the people around me. My immediate family tells me they will be devastated. I would be heart broken if it was someone I was close to too. For those reasons and some others I've chosen not to get married and/or have children because I do not want to devastate them by leaving them. I've had a lifetime to come to an understanding with my death but my partner and/or children will not have so much time.

In some relationships my partners have pointed out that I wasn't being fair because I was keeping myself from them in order to protect them when they don't want to be protected by me in the first place. I'm probably not being fair but it's also not fair to die young either or to have a broken heart. In the process I'm also protecting myself as well because I don't want to watch their hearts gradually (or not so gradually) be broken by me. All the time I feel like I'm hurting someone for the simple things in life and that hurts me. Knowing that my dying would hurt someone would crush me.

Now at 25 I'm doing pretty well compared to most people like me. And although it feels like a new beginning I'm remembered everyday that my struggle is a continuation before an ending.

Just exploring me.... 

Friends

During my everyday observation of strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family I've realized there are some who have lifetime, season, and moment friends. The friends/ acquaintances that I know who have lifetime friends are very similar to the socialization between the girls in Sex in the City. In school I saw a lot of season friends using each other to all "get by". Most people "lose touch" with our friends when we move on to high school, college, jobs, or marriage.

It is the craziest thing to me to "lose touch" with someone you were close to just a few months ago. But I guess its not hard to just let life go on, right? When I was younger and still today I think in "wholeness" similar to an equation. Like with (+) or without (-) a person makes me (=) whole. For example I cried to my mother for years telling her that "its not right, even, or fair that I didn't have a little sister". It was like I was not ME without her. I know I would have been a completely different person without her. My wholeness constantly depends on my self-growth and others' wholeness.

I find it hard to accept friends moving on from me or anyone because they were such a part of me and my everyday life and now they are not. I feel like in some way it diminishes/ taints who I was with them in some way. Maybe I did something to lead them to the point of "no return". I just find it hard to accept the end of a once strong relationship.

Blogging

I read a post by That Gay Girl Tamara about how and why she started her blog and who was her intended readers. I felt like in some ways I was in the same boat as her, my blog is almost like a diary to me. I made it cause I had no one to talk to while I was still am going through life. As a child I would try to write in a diary but I could not bring myself to write in it. I was too afraid someone would invade my privacy and read it. My blog feels like a diary to me because its like me telling a complete stranger on the subway a bit about what's going on in my semi-charmed life. The likelihood of me ever seeing that person again is slim so I do not feel as bad for unloading my so called drama on that individual. I would also take judgements from these people lightly because they do not know the whole story.

In my younger years (LOL a couple of months ago) I gave people that I was close to my blog link to read a couple of posts. I did not think about them being a long time reader of my blog but I could understand why they would continue to read it. One reason being I am a private person that likes her solitude, so what I share on my blog I sometimes do not ever share in my everyday life. Sometimes I end up not posting some blogs because I really do not want to hear the questions, comments, and judgments from the people I am close to. I explained that if I really wanted to discuss it with them then I would have brought it up in conversation. Well that did not go well either.

Now I'm in the I do not care anymore way of thinking, cause I feel like I'm not obligated to explain myself. If you do not like what you are reading then STOP reading! There is nothing on here you "need to know" you choose to read it. So don't ask for clarity or anything cause it is what is written nothing more or nothing less. So now I am going to blog what I want and not worry about all that extra stuff.

Public announcement to the ones who did not know

No matter what I do in life you will be there to criticize and judge me.
No matter how kind I am you will always be there trying to pull me down.
No matter if you are my friend or not you will be mad if I do not share my business with you.
No matter what I do it is never enough for you.
What you want and what I want may not ever be the same.
What I've built in my life cannot come down easily or at all, not by you.
When will you stop being selfish?


Well guess what?

When it comes to me it is not about you its about me. I am not weak without you because I am strong on my own. I will make my own decisions and mistakes. I will be ok! Because I am me!

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Professionalism 101 Chapter 1

So recently I got a new phone or what I call the "professional phone". There were several reasons I changed phones 1) my other phone would not stay charged 2) it had been almost 3 years since I bought my last phone ( which is like 10 years in the technology world) 4) I needed a professional phone 5) I wanted to be able to blog, read, and comment on the go.
So I got myself a Blackberry. Its an awesome phone so far, there really has not been anything that I haven't liked about it. Supposedly I am supposed to be upset because I do not have a camera with a flash but I am not because I rarely take pictures. So I've blogged, emailed, oh and BBMed. This phone is pretty alright!
Do I feel like a professional... Just a little bit. But everyday I feel like a professional more and more. I think this means (according to Ty) I am slowly enrolling into the school of life. I am happy about that!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long long while. I am here for the moment but I cannot promise that I will blog more cause it IS my last semester and you know how that goes.
So the year (2009) has been trying for me but I made it through and I am so glad it is OVER! My life I feel has just begun! I wrote a post in January about how its my turn to choose and I am choosing to be the I best that I can be! So far I've chosen to open up and find me, I've chosen to communicate more (it is a real process!), I've chosen to not only let someone in but let myself be loved, and I've chosen to let go of the stress in my life. The stress in my life has probably been the hardest some times I feel, because of it I cannot live and not living SUCKS!
At the beginning of the year I thought it was going to be a rough end of my education and rough beginning of my profession. I decided to not sweat the small stuff and it has turned around. Classes are going well I enjoy learning and I am definitely doing that. I'm finding it extra tedious to do any type of paperwork or reading I think senioritus has kicked in. I am applying for my Social Work Licensure Test and I fear a rut is in the near future. Being stuck in a rut is one of my big fears and I think starting. In my field will do that to me. I feel that my collegiate learning will come to an end and I really do not want that. My girlfriend told me that I need to take a break from learning... that is going to be hard! I need some type of education so think I want to learn how to play hand drums. I think it will be entertaining while working as a professional. Oh my gosh a PROFESSIONAL!
My first thing that I will do after my graduation (maybe even before) is to find a job with health insurance because that is definitely priority number 1. Priority number 2 is getting my own apartment (long over due!). Priority number 3 is to get my own (no strings/rules attached) car.
My mother went to Haiti for two weeks as a Registered Nurse while she was there she saw my cousins and they were all fine thankfully. We still have not heard from my god sister though. My mother plans to go back at the end of this month for another two weeks as an RN. She did not talk much about her experience much but I do know that she is a strong woman. I commend her strength and her willingness to go back.
I want to plan my graduation celebration but I am not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

learning

Well ladies I did it again. I honestly did not want to do that again. But I can honestly say I learned from it. I am not sure that anyone wants to hear that from their ex, date, lover, or friend but it is the truth.

Last year (read this) was a little rocky for me and i appreciate it because it made me stronger and wiser. I hope for more strength and wisdom this year. I hope I can learn and improve myself from the mistakes I've made. I know that communication is an issue but it is being worked out. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a prick in order to get my point across and that is not in my personality. I am a people pleaser and I've realized that in order for someone to take me seriously things need to change. I'm 25 and I hope to have alot more learning and if I do not I enjoyed what learning I had.

Sorry ladies this post is confusing but I choose not to focus any more on the "should have dones" and the "if I coulds"... I want to focus on the "what I learned" and the "loving, laughing, and living I enjoyed". Apologizes said, no regrets, and no take backs, it is just me learning. My 2010 anthem is still rocking in the background and although people do not like it. It is for me! "Because you never know where life is going to take you and you can't change where you've been but today I have the opportunity to choose. I choose!"

A Summer's End

Hello beautiful womyn! I know it has been a long while since I posted a read, I've been on hiatus. I wanted to give you a final update on my summer and let you know I am back! So let me give you a summary of my summer since it is pretty much over for me.

I did not have much time to myself to enjoy the beautiful summer because I completed two summer courses. The courses at the end of it all only left me with a couple of weeks of free time which ended being errand time for me to prepare for the fall. But I did get to see Tracy Chapman perform live as well as Natalie Stewart. The Tracy Chapman concert was such a wonderful experience! She is completely amazing, It was a memorable experience and I hope to see her live again. I wish I got a picture with her but maybe next time.

I start classes in on Monday and although I am excited to graduate, I wish I had a little more time to play. But I am ready to get back into the swing of things and I am ready to learn (nerdy right?). The good news is I am planning a vacation to Vegas in January around my birthday so I am really looking forward to that. I also want to plan a cruise/vacation to celebrate me graduating but I am not sure where I want to go just yet. Any ideas?

On a not so great note I lost another friend this summer. What is up with that two summers in a row? I am pretty bummed about it because I know there is no repairing it this time. I've know this friend since my freshman year in college and it is hard to see us part. But I know things happen for a reason and this was out of my control. As I lost this friend I did end up gaining another one and I am grateful for this new friend.

So as I say goodbye to summer 2009 I am welcoming new experiences, change, and learning in fall 2009.

Just exploring Evolving....

Remembering High School pt. I

During high school I modeled. I was linky and tall but I supposedly had the "look". The weekends were filled with traveling, photo shoots, and call backs. I was completely engolfed with the idea of me being a model. School was still important to me but this was my second love back then.

I knew what the model agencies looked for in models because I was around them. So during the week i brought that back to school. My high school was an all girls catholic school. During lunch I would sit and look at the other girls to "see" if they were model material. I would tell the girls and my lunch friends if I thought they were model material.

I did not get it back then but the girls felt uneasy when I told them things like that. I would say "you are soo beautiful" "Have you ever thought of modeling?" "and you are tall enough too!". My friends really didnt pay much attention to what I said to them, they were in their own little worlds surrounded by thoughts of boys from the other catholic schools in the area.

I know now that they were so uneasy because of the comments I made. I also know that it was more than me just telling them they were beautiful. I was attracted to them and their beauty. I didn't even realize it at the time.

At my school I knew of a handful of girls who were lesbians. Most of them were doms/studs/tomboys and like two of them were femmes/lipsticks. I did not like the doms/studs/tomboys AT ALL. There was just something about them that I did not like. I was uncomfortable around them for some reason. I would probably relate it now to the uncomfortable the girls felt when I told them they were beautiful.

Years later I came out as a lesbian. I don't consider myself a femme. I've dated women that considered themselves doms/studs/tomboys and femmes. I admire the androgyny in women and now I have no problems with doms/studs/tomboys.

Its funny how things from your past that meant nothing to you turn out to me something significant.

Just exploring Evolving...

(to be continued)

Gliding

You know those insects that stand on top of the water and when they move it looks like they are gliding. they never submerge themselves in the water though. They stay on top almost like they are too good to get wet. When I see them in the pond I wonder why do they do what they do? (besides there is a place and purpose for everything an it's God's creation). I know they were built like that for a reason but whats the reason?
Sometimes I feel that way though. In any relationship I seem to sit on top of the water not ever getting submerged. I try to put my all in the relationships I struggle with it too but at the end I feel like not even one leg got submerged. I know what I do is not enough but I do not know how to make it enough. I know I have a hard time letting people get close to me to see my vulnerabilities some I don't even know about. I pull back, push away, don't let them get close, and then I leave. Sometimes I find a reason and other times I do not.
Although I try my hardest to make "this one" different it turns out the same. I run away! From what? I have no idea.I want to let my guard down for once and get a little wet, but I just don't know how. I am striving to exploring me and trying to learn and correct myself.
~Evovling

What about me???

So I know this sounds completely selfish but I think one can be selfish even if it is for a moment. Right now... this is my moment. For the past ummm forever, I've taken the feelings of the people around me before my own. Now I know that is not selfish by far but, when will it be my turn to just think about me and my needs, wants, and desires? I keep telling myself that my day will come but it seems like I am just telling myself a lie.
I know that I am well cared for by everyone in my life but I feel like I settle because I am worried about how others feel. Now writing it down I understand it sounds completely WRONG. But I do feel this way... I asked someone to give me a break to let me just breath for a moment and they feel like I am asking too much of them, like it is impossible. Really? I just cannot wrap my head around it. Now I know somethings are easier said then done but at least try. Please?
To be real it is mostly my fault because I let people think that it is ok when it really is not... I don't really express my feelings as I should. Ladies... I know I am working on it. I really am trying to work on me... it takes time though. I've come to the realization that I am not superwoman and I do need a break, I need ME time. Where it is actually all about ME. Now it is just difficult for me to actually take the well needed break, but I am trying (baby steps, baby steps).
Well it is 2009 and I need to grow as a person and explore me!
~Evolving

It was time to leave...

So I gave in my two weeks notice not because I hated working with the girls but because of th neglect abuse and maltreatment of the adolescents I worked with specially the female residents. And I felt mistreated. During my employment there I met many people adolescents and staff. Although I had bad encounters with the staff, I could say that I ignored it until it was just too much. I dealt with the rude, the power tripping, the illegal activity, inappropriate boundaries with the residents, vindictiveness, and two faced people. 

I think I would have stayed for the children but to me it felt like they were trying to get rid of me. I say this because although my job knew I was in graduate school they were not trying to accommodate my school schedule even though they have and still help other employees. That is when i felt like they were trying to get rid of me. I then dropped from 40hrs to 30hrs and drama just got to be too much. Almost 3 weeks ago I gave them my resignation letter and on my last day I told the girls I worked with. They cried and cried I tried to explain and console them. I told them that in order for me to be a therapist or Social Worker/DSS worker I would need to finish school. I do feel like I am abandoning these girls, whole heartedly I do. I had compassion for the girls and frankly no other staff does. But I know that I had to do it.

So it was time to leave and I believe that when one door closes another does open weather it be for me or someone close to me. It did open for someone who has been waiting to hear back from the government. She was cleared and she is soo ready to start working soon. I am glad that the door opened for her and for me everything will come in due time. Since we are all interconnected I just have to wait and see. 

Stressed

I've been working at my job for the last 5 months and it is getting stressful with the type of job that I have. At a moments notice things change and I am doing overtime til things get situated, but this is the job I signed up for. With classes and my internship on top of that Im pulling more than 70hrs a week with only one day off to study. It is starting to get to me. I even started talking about finding a new job, I'm conflicted though. I am a very committed person and when I sign up for something it's for a while. On top of me liking what I do with these teens its hard to find a way to give it up. I know I can find another job like this but with the ties I've made so far it just makes me think. 

In my internship it is really frustrating, I have nothing to do and am pretty much an administrative assistant (not what I am going to school for). I've tried to advocate for myself talking to the appropriate people on top of everybody that will listen. I can't seem to find a way to get moved once again. My supervisor at my internship is never there and has no contact with me besides the occasional pop in with a Hello. I've asked to talk to her many times but communicating with her is nearly impossible. My internship advocate is friends with my supervisor so every time I come to him about something he covers for her. 

As of right now I feel like all the planning I did last semester was a waste cause nothing is really working out for me. I know that is life and its not supposed to work out exactly as planned but it feels like most things about moving back home is not working out. I am hoping that it is just a little speed bump that I am going through.

I am stressed...

Cry!

Sometimes you need a good cry things get frustrating and all you can do is cry about it. Monday evening I had that cry about all my frustrations with school, my family, work and just life. It sometimes gets to me and I can't help but to cry. I work so hard to make things great, I realize that I cannot plan everything. But even though I realize that, I still get disappointed that things don't work out the way I planned. 

But the thing is I'm happy I had the best time on Monday and I had someone to cry on and listen to all those problems I had. She encouraged me and let me know that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. At that point I realized I really did have someone special that no one could have been better fitting to walk into my life. From monday to now not much has changed besides the affirmation I got from my partner and thats good enough for me.  

Too good to be tru

Think about it... Have you every been in a situation where it just felt so surreal that you did not know if you wanted to believe it? You don't kno what to do or say so you keep it to yourself cause you know if you say something it might turn bad. Your mind is constantly racing trying to find some reason why it cant be real or some reason to sabatague something so sweet. It is hard to imagine that there is something soo good in your life but you try your hardest to just enjoy yourself. 

I'm going through that now and it's like wow! I had already given up and someone special came into my life. I've been saying that this is surreal and I don't know how to handle it but I'm cool with how things are going in my life. 

Its funny how you try to plan and plan and plan, and your plans go your way sometimes but not always. You try and plan every detail but you just can't. I'm glad that I can't plan everything and curve balls come into play at times...

I am still adjusting to the Graduate School, I thought it would be soo much more difficult. I don't know if it is because I am so occupied with work, school, and my internship that I haven't noticed the amount of work. But I've been worried about classes, I heard soo many stories in undergrad about how there is soo much more reading and work you have to do but to me it does not seem that way. I am still trying to sort out my schedule so that I can have free time and study time, but it is hard when for some reason my schedule keeps on changing.    

But I am soo grateful for the change and hope that there is more change to come. So I am trying to take one day at a time and adjust to this life that I just started living...

life is complicated. It is not something we choose even though we have decisions to make in the process. I was talking to someone and she was talking about how we have a path in which we follow, during the course of following that path we have decisions to make. She then went on to talk about how if we made a different decision would we know the same people we know now? Or be where we are now? Accomplish what we have accomplished? 

I started thinking about this and how it relates to my life... What would it be like if i decided to go to Florida for graduate school or somewhere else? Would I be struggling with work, school, living arrangements, or socially?  Would I have made friends and would I still feel lonely? I can only imagine what it could be like. 

I was thinking about this and wondering what would really make a difference in my life. Would such a change happen because I chose a certain kind of sandwich over another? Or the clothing I wore for that day? Or is it the big decisions that matter? Like taking a vacation or a career move? Are those the things that alters our paths in life? Giving up or letting go of the opportunity to meet new people and experience new things and just learn without even knowing that we did such a thing.