Missing a friend

Last week my ex-bestie posted some pictures up on facebook. I hadn't heard from her or seen her in almost a year. When I saw the pictures on my facebook news feed I got sad. I asked myself who, what, when, where, and how did we become so distant? I came up empty with every question. I assumed things but I have not one definitive answer to why we are not friends.

I know she took my coming out hard (she cried...?) and after that it seemed to go down hill. Probably due to the fact that I am a lesbian... Or maybe I waited too long to tell her... It really could be anything. I've been told that she was a bad friend for just leaving me hanging like this. But I still miss her... I really do! I have friends now that are awesome but they are just not the ex-bestie.

I was thinking about my past friendships and I've come to realize a trend. I am usually friends with them for a couple of years then something happens to end our friendship. It must be me right?...Yes I know in relationships with individuals there are moments, seasons, and lifetimes. All I've encountered so far are moments and seasons. I have hopes for lifetime but it has not worked out. Hmph...

I was told that I have high expectations for everyone around me. I thought about it and realized that statement is totally untrue. I expect all people to be themselves and do things of their nature. Sometimes that means they choose not to change even if there might be a need for change. In general I think that there are standards that we set for the people we surround ourselves with.

I've been thinking about what general standards I have for the people in my life, I found it to be difficult. I think because I am open minded and willing to learn from anybody I meet. But this is what I came up with. First mean what you say... I do believe what you say so if you say you are going to change then do so. Yes I know change is a process and I will be there to support you, but with me actions speak so much louder than words. Second be a good friend, that's all I'll expect from you. Third I am an advocate for people who do not have a voice and if I could I would volunteer all the time. So if you have a problem with my kind heart then we can't be friends, cause its more than my profession.

So this is where I am. I doubt that I will call her cause she has her reasons. I just wanted to get it off my chest.



~Evolving

Remembering High School pt. I

During high school I modeled. I was linky and tall but I supposedly had the "look". The weekends were filled with traveling, photo shoots, and call backs. I was completely engolfed with the idea of me being a model. School was still important to me but this was my second love back then.

I knew what the model agencies looked for in models because I was around them. So during the week i brought that back to school. My high school was an all girls catholic school. During lunch I would sit and look at the other girls to "see" if they were model material. I would tell the girls and my lunch friends if I thought they were model material.

I did not get it back then but the girls felt uneasy when I told them things like that. I would say "you are soo beautiful" "Have you ever thought of modeling?" "and you are tall enough too!". My friends really didnt pay much attention to what I said to them, they were in their own little worlds surrounded by thoughts of boys from the other catholic schools in the area.

I know now that they were so uneasy because of the comments I made. I also know that it was more than me just telling them they were beautiful. I was attracted to them and their beauty. I didn't even realize it at the time.

At my school I knew of a handful of girls who were lesbians. Most of them were doms/studs/tomboys and like two of them were femmes/lipsticks. I did not like the doms/studs/tomboys AT ALL. There was just something about them that I did not like. I was uncomfortable around them for some reason. I would probably relate it now to the uncomfortable the girls felt when I told them they were beautiful.

Years later I came out as a lesbian. I don't consider myself a femme. I've dated women that considered themselves doms/studs/tomboys and femmes. I admire the androgyny in women and now I have no problems with doms/studs/tomboys.

Its funny how things from your past that meant nothing to you turn out to me something significant.

Just exploring Evolving...

(to be continued)

It's my Anniversary!

I was a bit bothered last night so I came here to write about it. I did not know where to start or what issue to write about so I started alot of different topics but I was not satisfied. I saved the posts in my blog's waiting area with the rest of the unfinished posts. I scrolled down to look at all the other unfinished posts and I came upon this one. I realized that thi month will officially make it a year I started blogging and a year I started locking my hair. So I wanted to share with you a post that has been in my blog's waiting room since April 2008. Reading this blog I've realized that I've come a long way from the person I was then. I graduated, went to Hawaii, moved, came out to my family and friends, got a job, was in a relationship, started graduate school, left my job, left my relationship, and now I am here in April again. I am going to make a list of things I want to do before this time next year... Stay tuned for my To Do List.
FYI: I can tell you what the big deal is now :) I guess I needed that break...





The un-answered story of SEX
Today me and my best friend were on the phone talking about Sex and how I must be the only person on the earth that cannot seem to enjoy it. It is so weird that a couple of hours later I have my other friend in my house banging the mess out of this girl that is clearly not for him. Lets see I would rather be hmmm doing a lot than sex. I mean granite that my sexuality is in question for both you and I but the whole sex thing... been there and tried it and Um kinda boring. Its like the ecstasy that everyone talks about does not even graze my zip-code.

There was a time that I would have sex for the simple fact that I wanted to be "closer" to the person that I was with but the fact was they were just getting close to me that way. It clearly was not working out. So on my journey to find the Womyn in me, I decided not to have sex for the simple fact that I did not want to do it for just the pleasure of someone else but also for me. Well gyrl let me tell you that its been 2 years with so called temptations and not an arousal has sparked my interest in having sex.

Can you tell me what the big deal is?

We also started talking about the TV series The L Word... She has a new boo and he got her into the series so she was telling me about how much she likes it and stuff like that. Now I've watched a couple of episodes from different seasons but not a complete one (I'm trying to wait till i can buy at least 2 or 3 seasons). In my opinion she is a homophobe not as bad as my mother but its there. So while she was talking about the show I asked her if it's made her curious or changed her opinion about homosexuality. She said no she still only likes men.

Weathering the storm pt.1

My mother and I have been going through it. Our relationship through the years have been getting stronger but with me telling her that I'm a lesbian our relationship has gotten worse. She tells me that my girlfriend is hindering me from finding a good man to marry and have children with. She also tells me that I cannot be who I am because it is not right and my soul is on the line. 

I've tried to talk to her and explain to her how this is not my choosing but she says it is. It has been difficult to know that my mother does not accept me as who I am. She also thinks that who I am is because of the influences I had in college and she feels bad that she let me go away for undergrad. I don't know how to make my mother understand me and it hurts me inside to know that my mother is fighting a battle that Is not hers to fight. She even thinks my involvement with my sister is too much for my sister to handle at her teenage age. 

I am thinking about moving out thinking that that will make it easier on my mother and I. If we dont see each other everyday then maybe she can get through it with the many other problems she is carrying on her shoulders. But with moving my sister and I may loose the time we share because of my mother thinking that who I am is too much for my sister.

Right now I have no idea how to get through to my mother my words are not enough for her and my actions are too much for her to handle. I knew that my mother taking it well was only a phase and although I had time to prepare there really was not anything I could have done to prepare for this. 

90 day evaluation

it's been 3 months since my girlfriend and I have been official (as I like to call it). I can't say that it has been perfect but I can say it has been an journey. Everyday we learn something about each other and it is refreshing to know that I don't know everything. We've taken a couple of trips together to Atlantic City, NJ; Alexandria, VA; Rehoboth Beach, DE; and Maryland's Eastern Shore. I've met all her friends and some family as well, she has met my sister and one of my besties. I can say that we have fun together, she and I have taught each other alot about what we know and dont know. She has open me up to her world as a lesbian and I've open her up to mine. 

We work at the same job but not together and I am not out at work so our co workers dont know about her and I. This has caused a lot of frustration because since I am the new girl and no one knows I am a lesbian everyone talks to my girlfriend about me. Since I got there a couple of months ago the guys have started a bet on me and supposedly there is a big pot involved for the person that sleeps with me first. I can say my girlfriend has taken this really well considering the remarks they've made about me. But her and I agreed it would be soo much easier not to let anyone know. Through that our relationship has been getting stronger. 

I hope that our relationship continues to get stronger through the obstacles we might face in the future.

Coming Out...

So I am coming out to my family and friends... 

I told my little sister first because she and I are really close to each other. She was not shocked cause supposedly I've said things to hint at the fact that I don't like men. 

The second person I told was my girlfriend we met in college and have been friends for the past 5 years. She took it bad, cried, upset, and disappointed. She stopped talking to me for a while and when she came to she still couldn't understand but was kinda sorta accepting on top of a whole bunch of stereotypical question. 

I then told my mother next and at first she did not take it bad. She told me she knew that I got "introduced" to homosexuality in 2005. For the next couple of weeks it was alright. Here and there she would have stereotypical questions but thats all. 

The forth person I told was one of my guy friends. I thought he would take it the worst cause lately he has been growing and things he has said made me think he would take it bad. But I told him and he was pretty much like soo... when am I going to meet her.  I was glad he  took it so well cause I didn't think that I would have been able to take another bad experience. 

My other guy friend and I have been talking about this for the longest and I know that he has no problem with me being a lesbian cause he has said it and has openly talked to me about me. 

I know I have more things to go through but Im ready...

Commitment

Being at home my mom and I have had alot of time to catch up and talk. She told me things I never knew about the past and the separation/divorce which was almost 15 years ago. We also talked about the present and future, where we would find ourselves in 10 years and such. Now in high school and the first couple of years of college my mother did not want me to get involved with anyone. Her rational was that I needed to concentrate on my studies and that I was too young to understand what love was. After my junior year in college she started asking me who am I dating and when can she expect a wedding. 

I avoided these discussions like the plague, cause I knew what the end result would be. I would explain that i was not interested and that I am not getting married... big mistake. First, she tried to bring up that my life is already laid out by God and I really have no choice; Second, if i will not get married I should start planning when I would go to the convent to become a nun (born and raised Catholic). 

Well undergraduate is behind me and I am ready for graduate school which is right around the corner. So my mother has been getting at me to go out with my friends, meet people, and date. I really haven't come out to her but i think she is starting to hint at my sexuality. She talks about marriage, compromise, and children constantly and ignores my comments on those subjects. 

I started to realize on television shows and some of my friends would talk about how since they were little they dreamed/imagined this fabulous wedding and exactly how it will be. I never imagined or dreamed of the "perfect" wedding for myself. I am way too independent to think about committing myself to a person in that way. I also have little faith in the whole concept of "forever" as it is used in marriage/commitment ceremonies. Statistically half of marriages do end up forever but half of them don't. And not one couple in my family both mom and dad's side are still together... unless you consider my grandfather's many wives back home in West Africa. 

I am 23 trying to understand me, I am living in the present. The past just left me and the future is ahead of me. Right now I love the way things are going and am not thinking of a "forever" commitment... Maybe something or someone will change my mind the the future but right now i cannot imagine it. 

Meeting People

I am not much of a social butterfly and my scenes do not involve frequent visits to the local gay clubs or any, maybe a poetry night or two not often. But I am interested in meeting people. In an earlier blog I talked about signals and me trying to use them to tell someone who I was. I don't know if that would help or not.  But I do want to meet people. 

I was watching the latest Cherry Bomb  vlog about "Gender Roles" and I am not into gender roles for me or anyone I am interested in... its whatever. It is much more to me than the clothing you decide to wear. I've notice in my area that is all you see someone being super masculine or super feminine not too many in-betweens like me. I guess that among other things like not being a social butterfly is making it harder for me to meet people around here. 

In undergrad I did not have much of a problem but i think it was the lack of interest in meeting new people. Now I want to have a couple of people I can just hang out with to just chill and have a decent conversation every once in a while without me having to worry about close minded remarks. 

I don't know it feels like I have certain friends and those friends and I get each other on different levels. Like its to that point we dont have to say anything to each other but we know what we are thinking. In my opinion thats a friend. But I feel that my friends are not ready for me to be all of me. When I start talking about California and the legalization of same sex marriages, Thomas Beatie, or just Pride 2008 or anything really dealing with homosexuality... This wall is put up and they just quickly find a way to exit the conversation. I want to have friends that are around I can talk about anything without all that. I'm still feeling cornered and am still looking for a way out. 

-Evolving