Thinking outloud

This was a while ago but it has been on my mind:

I was talking to one of my long distance friends and he asked me if I knew anyone who was homosexual. I thought it was a random question cause of the way it came up in conversation and I  felt myself tense up like he was insinuating something about me. Some how that passed and we started talking about Staceyann Chin and Thomas Beatie (he hadn't heard of either). He was so torn to hear Staceyann's story on Opera and I was too. It makes me cry everytime I hear it I'm first generation in the United States and I've never been home but if I couldn't live with my family it would hurt me so much I don't know what I would do with myself. But I'm glad that Staceyann is doing something meaningful to herself and inspiring to others.

After we got off the phone I started thinking about how I felt when he brought up sexuality, it's weird cause when other people bring it up I don't act like that. But this time I felt like there was a secret of mine that he discovered and he was calling me out on it. Then I read Journey_Wmn's blog linking us to Jasmyne Cannick's blog about the female student getting ready to graduate that came out to her parents and has practically been disowned.  It said how parents most often then not have a feeling that their child may be homosexual. 

That intrigued me and really made me think that if parents might have an idea about their children then friends probably hunch at it too. 

I've started to notice that my mother has been trying  to push me into relationships or to become a nun which ever comes first. I've expected this to come after I graduated but its still a little shocking, but i know in life i cant always please my mother. I can't really say that my girl friend notices though. We've been friends for 5 years and there are just things that we used to do as friends that we don't do as much anymore, I don't know if it is because we are not around each other as much or we've just grown apart. With my guy friends it is different I seem to be more open with them on who i am I can't say that they both accept that but it is what it is. One of my guy friends seems to hate hearing about who i like and all but i can understand that. I just don't talk to him as much as I used to. So my guy friends don't hunch at it cause they know but i'm still weary about my girl friend. 

I've come to realize that what people think is not going to change who i am they may assume and question though...

 

Following and Leading

So on my trip to the airport I was driving I noticed that i try to catch up to the car in front of me. I really do think it is unconsciously but i still try to. What's up with that? If you relate that to life it sounds like I'm always trying to catch up to someone ahead of me. But clearly thats not the case I set my own goals and my own dreams. If i did try to catch up to another car/ person then they would either slow me down in some way or their path would lead to something undesirable. Are we all leaders or do some follow/ catch up to others? If following someone is our goal than its a tainted goal with no expectation for the end result.

Signals

So I've been sending all these signals to the this person that i like cause i don't have to courage to come out and say who i am and how i feel. I'm hoping she will figure it out on her own and i know that that is risky cause she maybe wrong. But why does it feel so much easier than coming out and saying who i am and how i feel? Society has given me all these tools for the to use to "make things easier" but does it complicate the situation with all these signs symbols. I was reading something on AfterEllen about wearing purple colored wristbands to indicate your sexuality. Sounds easy everyone knows your sexual preference only if they know what the purple band means. But if they don't they themselves might start to rock purple wrist band cause they look so hot on you. 

Is it easier to rock symbols, signs, and colors then telling someone this is who i am? 

AlOhA!!!

I'm Back! It has been such a crazy month to say the least... So I did not take my laptop with me to Hawaii and in a way I am glad that I didn't it was like a vacation from the everyday use of my computer. I did get on the computers at the hotel for the occasional facebook check and to check my grades, but overall it was nice. The group sang and a couple of locations and the performance was pretty good we had a captivating audience. We also got to see the island and went to the Polynesian Culture Center which was a wonderful experience it was pretty much a sample of all the different Polynesian cultures in one show. Where we were staying there was an abundance of Asian people there touring and store owners too. I was disappointed to not see any really African American people besides the group I was with. 

So the week in Hawaii was good with good performances, good people, and a good hotel. I have pictures and hope to get some up soon. 

Now I've been dreading the end of the week because I'm stuck at my mother's house with no where to sleep and I'm already miserable and its only been a couple of hours. I have no corner or private place I can go and escape to write blogs or just to be away from my family... Last time I was here I got no sleep... 

So this is definitely my motivation to get a job... 

Aloha! Mahalo!

Attraction pt. 1.3

Not so much an continuation just a blerb...

I've been attracted to this gyrl that has been in like alot of my classes for the past couple of semesters. We kinda had to work on a project together a couple of days ago so we got to talking and she 's really cool and down to earth. Now I'm crushin hard and I think she likes me but I'm not sure. Timing is soo bad too we are both graduating and she is staying here for grad school and I'm going home. With only one more time to see her (we will be taking an exam) dunno how I'm gonna explore this more. 

Updates

Ok so I have 10 days left at my apartment and now I can hear my echo cause its so empty. I have not started packing for Hawaii but I'll get that done next week. my semester is pretty much over with all the major papers and presentations turned in and done. Everything is wrapping up nicely but I still have no job!!!

I was offered a job and it's really good pay but it won't really work with my grad school class schedule in the fall. It has a week long training and I don't know if I should take the job and figure out what to do about work and classes in August or if I should tell the person who hired me now and see what he can do. But I feel like it is grimy to wait until August to let him know something I knew since he offered me the job. 

Now I'n just feeling some type of way... I mean going home means I have soo many limitations from the roommates I have to the job I get. I mean don't get me wrong I would do anything for my brothers and sister it's just difficult and I'm not even home yet. I was thinking the other day that it would have been wonderful to go to grad school in Florida and soo much easier to get a job cause all I would have to worry about would be me.

But I know that ship has passed and now I just need to concentrate on what needs to be done and do it. Soo much easier said then done.

Overall I am looking forward to the change and will try to take one day at a time.

Wish me luck!

Have you every felt stuck or cornered? How did you deal?

Group Projects

I need to vent...

I HATE GROUP PROJECTS!!! Oh my gosh the worst thing any teacher can put on any syllabus. There is always that one who does all the work or a group where people leave out some individuals it's just all around a mess. I would rather write a paper no matter how many pages than to ever do a group project even if it is within friends.

It's sad that I hate them so much cause my profession calls for it but for a class grade I hate them! 

Am I the only one?