Struggling

Hey beautiful people! It has been a long long while. It has been an unexpected hiatus. I am not sure if this hiatus is over but I hope it will be soon. I've been struggling with my thoughts. I've tried to blog about it but I end up with nothing to say. I'm not sure where to start but when I figure that out you will be the first one to hear about it. Anyway hear is the latest:
- Work is great and I like what I do.
- I'm all moved into my apartment but it's kind of naked in my living room and kitchen. I'm saving up for a new living room set and a great office for my kitchen.
- I gave my sister her car although she cannot drive it alone just yet (she only has her permit).
- I got a new car to me. My ex says it is quite the gay car. It's a 1995 Subaru Legacy station wagon stick shift. I named it Rusty. I like it so far :)
- It was a mutual agreement but I'm companionless. It is taking some getting used to.
- I did not expect that I would have such a hard time adjusting to being alone because I love my solitude. But somedays it is hard not to think about all the people that were in my life on a daily basis that are no longer.
- I'm bored and lonely which is never a good combination. My remedy is to find something to do. My plans :
~Get a cat.
~Find an ice skating rink close to my apartment.
~Learn how to play the Djembe. I'm not sure if I will take lessons or teach myself.
~Maybe take up kick boxing or karate (maybe).
~Go out more.
~I'm planning on planning a vacation

- My sister and mom are having a hard time adjusting to me not being home but I think it may be good for their relationship.
- My younger brother is in the process of moving to California to live a simplistic lifestyle.
- My dad is making an effort now to be apart of our lives and I'm hoping it's not too late for us.
- Life is overwhelming at times but overall life is good.

I got the DC job!

Yesterday in the mail I got the new employee packet for my job (if you don't know what I'm talking about read this and that). I will be starting July 6th and I'm looking for apartments closer to DC but still in MD so that my commute won't be so long because now it's about an hour. I'm excited because I'm officially a professional. I'm nervous because I do not want to be thrown to the wolves and end up failing. I feel like the bad gal because my family and friends are resenting the fact that I am actually moving on and moving out. I feel accomplished because I got my Masters degree, I am licensed in the state of MD and soon to be in DC, and I got a job in less than 3 months of graduation. I know that life is unpredictable and things can change at any minute but for the moment there is a smile on my face because life has been good to me. 
Til next time beautiful people!

~Evolving

Short & Sweet

So this post will be short and sweet sorry I don't have much time but just know I have a couple of posts in the works coming your way.



- Last Monday went well with my dad. The talk was not anything I expected AT ALL. My dad told me he has cancer and he was going for surgery... THE NEXT DAY! What a shocker! (Wiping the sweat off my forehead cause it wasn't about me whheeewwww!)


- The next day the surgery went well and my sister and I went to see him on Wednesday.


- He is out of the hospital but not out of the woods cause they are not sure if the cancer spread to other parts of the body.


- On a brighter note I went to the beach this weekend and had a blast doing absolutely nothing. Aside from some semi-annoying company all went well. Why is vacationing so darn expensive?


- Since I got back I've visited my dad everyday, he is getting better. In the process I've gotten to see my little cousin that I love dearly. He is such a sweety when he wants to be. Kids are wonderful when you can give them back to their owners LOL... But I'm so serious.


- I am still looking for a good job. I got 3 offers but they were not in my comfort zone of a good offer (one full-time position didn't even include health care). But no worrier I'll get something better. I'm still applying.


- Now that I have all the qualifications for that job I interviewed for I am waiting on them to send me an offer letter like they said they would.

- I'm just plan old TIRED for no reason.
Til next time beautiful people! Good morning/night!



P.S. Thanks Ty for checking up on me!


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Finally starting my life

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... I want to give you a quick update:
Graduation- 9 days
Assignments- 0 wahoo!
Job interviews- 0 (but hopeful)
Field/internship- OVER WITH!
Job search: alive and well

So that's the graduation/ job hunt update. Things seem to be falling into place and I am happy about it. I accomplished goal #1: education and I am ready to work on my life goals.
I was talking with a friend and we were talking about death and how we would feel if our time was up now... morbid... I know, but a good conversation. I told her that if it were my day to go I would be mad because I feel like besides my education I really have not done much with my life. I would be understanding that it is my time but I still would be curious to know why. I would want to ask St. Peter at the gate of heaven why now?

I feel like the BIG education chapter is finally about to close (not for good) and I have time to work on my life goals.
Goal #2: work on getting all 3 of my social work licenses
Goal #3: learning a language... I'm leaning towards French or Sign language cause I'm not too interested in learning Spanish but we will see!
Goal #4: working with the Peace Corps for a couple of years... Any where over seas but it would be nice to go anywhere in the Caribbean Islands or Africa
Goal #5: travel around the world. I have a pretty long list too. Visiting my home countries are on the top of the list.
That is pretty much it for the big goals right now.

So I've been doing this self reflection on the past 2 years and looking at my growth since grad school started. In every class it was drilled into us that in order to help others effectively we need to learn how to help ourselves. That constant drilling clicked and I've been working on helping myself.
Helping myself has taught me how to be honest with myself and others. I've looked at my past and thought about how I could have handled situations differently knowing what I know now...its been interesting. What I've been struggling with the most is my kindness, guilt when I say no, and change. I've come across many situations with my friends and family that I would say I couldn't do something and I would feel guilty but they would some how finagle me into doing it. I've been working on sticking to no and just taking the brunt of whatever comes my way. Change has come up a lot and all I can say is change happens during enlightenment not persuasion.

Right now I am nervous, excited, and scared but I am ready for what ever may come.

Just exploring me!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello Beautiful People!

43 days/ 6 weeks until graduation! Wahoo! 12 days left at my internship and I am sad that I will be leaving the hospital but I am so glad I will be away from my supervisor! If they hire me I would be delighted to work there but we will see. If not I will still leave my resume in every social work department in that hospital... I will I will!

My mother is coming back Easter Sunday from her second "tour of duty" in Haiti. I am glad that she will be back and I a proud of her for what she has committed able to do. She also informed me that she will be going back for tour number 3 in 6 months. These 4 weeks as my sister's guardian has made me question if I really can handle having a child of my own. I mean I practically raised my sister and she is a wonderful individual but I am not sure if I can stay sane with my own child specially if it is a girl... Oh gosh! I worry about my sister constantly. It's gotten to the point that I've already started worrying about her in college and its a whole year away. I feel like a parent and I am only 25 gosh...

I've tried to talk to my sister about me moving out when I graduate and potentially to D.C. She is not too happy about that but I really need to live my life and she really needs to grow up. She won't even learn how to drive. If she doesn't I have no idea how she is going to get back and forth. She says she doesn't have to drive cause "mommy said I don't" but every time I ask her how she plans on getting to and fro to school and places she says "mommy said she will find a way". I feel like she is waiting for the world to do something for her and she has no desire to do anything for herself. What is my mother and sister going to do when my mom is on tour #3? Maybe I'm worrying too much... I feel like the second parent sometimes and I don't like it.

So it is spring time and I've been talking about cutting my hair since the fall. I still haven't decided. I am going back and forth on if locs are really for me. Sometimes I do not think it makes me look attractive. So i was thinking of either cutting all my hair or combing out my locs. I think its crazy for me to even type "combing out my locs" that's crazy and I do not have the patience for all that but i might try. I also think that maybe if I actually do my hair I wouldn't feel the way I do. I was natural for 14 years, relaxer it for 8 years, natural for a year and now locs. I know I do not want to have a relaxer again, I am leaning towards just growing my hair natural sometimes I'll straighten it. I know some people are attached to their hair but I'm just not. Cutting my hair is still on the brain and I am not sure what I am going to do.

I have an interview next Thursday for a D.C. agency. I am actually excited and frightened at the same time. The job is working with children and their families which is the population I want to work with. I've been job hunting since February and this agency is the only one that has called me thus far. I am hoping more will start calling me in the next couple of weeks. I am so afraid of getting stuck in a work rut it's not even funny. I do not like the thought of waking up at the same time... going to work at the same time... getting home at the same time... and going to sleep at the same time... 5 days out of the week! That's just not ok for me AT ALL! I want to be able to have the time to do things in the evening (like take a class towards my Ph.D.) or learn something like my drums or just hang out. I do not want to be sucked into the having to work so much cause i have so many bills thing. I know this is so unavoidable but I just don't like it one bit!

Anyway back to my paper that I've been avoiding for the past hour. Happy Easter! Enjoy your weekend!

~Evolving

Professionalism 101 Chapter 1

So recently I got a new phone or what I call the "professional phone". There were several reasons I changed phones 1) my other phone would not stay charged 2) it had been almost 3 years since I bought my last phone ( which is like 10 years in the technology world) 4) I needed a professional phone 5) I wanted to be able to blog, read, and comment on the go.
So I got myself a Blackberry. Its an awesome phone so far, there really has not been anything that I haven't liked about it. Supposedly I am supposed to be upset because I do not have a camera with a flash but I am not because I rarely take pictures. So I've blogged, emailed, oh and BBMed. This phone is pretty alright!
Do I feel like a professional... Just a little bit. But everyday I feel like a professional more and more. I think this means (according to Ty) I am slowly enrolling into the school of life. I am happy about that!

~Evolving

Updates!

Hello beautiful people! Its been a while... a long long while. I am here for the moment but I cannot promise that I will blog more cause it IS my last semester and you know how that goes.
So the year (2009) has been trying for me but I made it through and I am so glad it is OVER! My life I feel has just begun! I wrote a post in January about how its my turn to choose and I am choosing to be the I best that I can be! So far I've chosen to open up and find me, I've chosen to communicate more (it is a real process!), I've chosen to not only let someone in but let myself be loved, and I've chosen to let go of the stress in my life. The stress in my life has probably been the hardest some times I feel, because of it I cannot live and not living SUCKS!
At the beginning of the year I thought it was going to be a rough end of my education and rough beginning of my profession. I decided to not sweat the small stuff and it has turned around. Classes are going well I enjoy learning and I am definitely doing that. I'm finding it extra tedious to do any type of paperwork or reading I think senioritus has kicked in. I am applying for my Social Work Licensure Test and I fear a rut is in the near future. Being stuck in a rut is one of my big fears and I think starting. In my field will do that to me. I feel that my collegiate learning will come to an end and I really do not want that. My girlfriend told me that I need to take a break from learning... that is going to be hard! I need some type of education so think I want to learn how to play hand drums. I think it will be entertaining while working as a professional. Oh my gosh a PROFESSIONAL!
My first thing that I will do after my graduation (maybe even before) is to find a job with health insurance because that is definitely priority number 1. Priority number 2 is getting my own apartment (long over due!). Priority number 3 is to get my own (no strings/rules attached) car.
My mother went to Haiti for two weeks as a Registered Nurse while she was there she saw my cousins and they were all fine thankfully. We still have not heard from my god sister though. My mother plans to go back at the end of this month for another two weeks as an RN. She did not talk much about her experience much but I do know that she is a strong woman. I commend her strength and her willingness to go back.
I want to plan my graduation celebration but I am not sure what I want to do. Any ideas?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

90 day evaluation

it's been 3 months since my girlfriend and I have been official (as I like to call it). I can't say that it has been perfect but I can say it has been an journey. Everyday we learn something about each other and it is refreshing to know that I don't know everything. We've taken a couple of trips together to Atlantic City, NJ; Alexandria, VA; Rehoboth Beach, DE; and Maryland's Eastern Shore. I've met all her friends and some family as well, she has met my sister and one of my besties. I can say that we have fun together, she and I have taught each other alot about what we know and dont know. She has open me up to her world as a lesbian and I've open her up to mine. 

We work at the same job but not together and I am not out at work so our co workers dont know about her and I. This has caused a lot of frustration because since I am the new girl and no one knows I am a lesbian everyone talks to my girlfriend about me. Since I got there a couple of months ago the guys have started a bet on me and supposedly there is a big pot involved for the person that sleeps with me first. I can say my girlfriend has taken this really well considering the remarks they've made about me. But her and I agreed it would be soo much easier not to let anyone know. Through that our relationship has been getting stronger. 

I hope that our relationship continues to get stronger through the obstacles we might face in the future.

M.I.A.

Well it has been 7 months since I've been home. I've just finished my first semester in graduate school and although it was challenging I can say I made it through. This semester was not educationally challenging besides the expectations they had on writing skills. I felt like i was picked on by two of my professors who happened to be friends. They told my classmates that I should drop out of the program and that they are very concerned with my performance although I was doing what they asked of me. It got to a point that I broke down and cried knowing that even though I've done everything they still held my grade in their hands. I tried to go over their head and talked to the head of the graduate school program with no luck. 

This reminded me of Journey to Enlightenment's story about how in her program she was treated similar. I really did feel helpless at this point and I knew that they only way I could win this battle is to make sure my writing and work could speak for its self. Thats what I did and I ended up passing those two classes but I know that I would have to cross paths again with one or both of them before I graduate in 2010. 

I've been juggling 2 full-time jobs (school and work) and a part-time job (internship). It's been so time consuming that I haven't had time to really relax. No writing besides school work and no fun. So this winter break although short is going to be my mini vacation. I and going to catch up on some reading, relaxation, writing, and a couple of fun nights partying. I think it is well earned and I will try not to let my problems from this semester get in the way.

Stressed

I've been working at my job for the last 5 months and it is getting stressful with the type of job that I have. At a moments notice things change and I am doing overtime til things get situated, but this is the job I signed up for. With classes and my internship on top of that Im pulling more than 70hrs a week with only one day off to study. It is starting to get to me. I even started talking about finding a new job, I'm conflicted though. I am a very committed person and when I sign up for something it's for a while. On top of me liking what I do with these teens its hard to find a way to give it up. I know I can find another job like this but with the ties I've made so far it just makes me think. 

In my internship it is really frustrating, I have nothing to do and am pretty much an administrative assistant (not what I am going to school for). I've tried to advocate for myself talking to the appropriate people on top of everybody that will listen. I can't seem to find a way to get moved once again. My supervisor at my internship is never there and has no contact with me besides the occasional pop in with a Hello. I've asked to talk to her many times but communicating with her is nearly impossible. My internship advocate is friends with my supervisor so every time I come to him about something he covers for her. 

As of right now I feel like all the planning I did last semester was a waste cause nothing is really working out for me. I know that is life and its not supposed to work out exactly as planned but it feels like most things about moving back home is not working out. I am hoping that it is just a little speed bump that I am going through.

I am stressed...

Too good to be tru

Think about it... Have you every been in a situation where it just felt so surreal that you did not know if you wanted to believe it? You don't kno what to do or say so you keep it to yourself cause you know if you say something it might turn bad. Your mind is constantly racing trying to find some reason why it cant be real or some reason to sabatague something so sweet. It is hard to imagine that there is something soo good in your life but you try your hardest to just enjoy yourself. 

I'm going through that now and it's like wow! I had already given up and someone special came into my life. I've been saying that this is surreal and I don't know how to handle it but I'm cool with how things are going in my life. 

Its funny how you try to plan and plan and plan, and your plans go your way sometimes but not always. You try and plan every detail but you just can't. I'm glad that I can't plan everything and curve balls come into play at times...

I am still adjusting to the Graduate School, I thought it would be soo much more difficult. I don't know if it is because I am so occupied with work, school, and my internship that I haven't noticed the amount of work. But I've been worried about classes, I heard soo many stories in undergrad about how there is soo much more reading and work you have to do but to me it does not seem that way. I am still trying to sort out my schedule so that I can have free time and study time, but it is hard when for some reason my schedule keeps on changing.    

But I am soo grateful for the change and hope that there is more change to come. So I am trying to take one day at a time and adjust to this life that I just started living...

Long time coming...

Hey everyone! I know it has been a long time since my last post. Well I've been stressing out about finding a job and now that I have one, I've already gotten a promotion in less than 3 weeks of working there, so the pressure is on. I am now trying to balance work and the reason I came back home... my sister. My sister is at that age where guys are starting to like her and she is starting to like guys. I try to stay out of it as much as possible to give her room to learn and grow, but occasionally she asks me for advice. I am glad that she feels comfortable to be able to come and talk to me in time of adolescent crisis. It has been hard and I feel like I have no time to myself and even though I am around people I love, I'm lonely. I guess everyone else has been on my mind and not myself. 

I am working at a group home with girls from 12-17 teens are a trip and a half just like adults. They will be your friend when they want something and your enemy whenever they feel like it. At times its taxing cause they love you and hate you at the same time but I already love the job. I go home after getting off of work and thank my mother for being who she is and taking care of me the way she did cause there are people less fortunate than me. The job lets me know that people don't change, there are 2 girls there that are there because of their sexuality and their parents could not deal with it. That really saddens my heart to know that there are people in the world so close minded that they would turn their back on their own child... it is sad. 

When I'm at work and get a chance I get online on my cell phone and read your blogs. This part of my life centers me and I like reading about you all. It makes me feel less lonely. I feel like I'm out growing my friend or on a different level than she is, so there is not anyone to talk to anymore. Which makes my loneliness grow even more. 

Decision making has and is very hard cause my sister is my #1 priority and taking the promotion in a way I felt like I let her down. I came here to make her adolescents better and easier than mine was and to get her out of the house more than before. I really came home to make my mom and sister's life easier and I hope my presence is accomplishing that goal. I even started contemplating how it would have been like right now if I was at FAMU but I can't look back I have to look forward. Now I have to think about saving my money to buy a home or renting cause of convenience... decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am adjusting to my surrounding well, I've been to a couple of lounges and a poetry night that was really good. I am still hoping that the semester comes soon though I really want to get back in the swing of things. I hope that soon I'll find a friend to talk to because right now I feel like I have no outlet from work, school, and my family.  

AlOhA!!!

I'm Back! It has been such a crazy month to say the least... So I did not take my laptop with me to Hawaii and in a way I am glad that I didn't it was like a vacation from the everyday use of my computer. I did get on the computers at the hotel for the occasional facebook check and to check my grades, but overall it was nice. The group sang and a couple of locations and the performance was pretty good we had a captivating audience. We also got to see the island and went to the Polynesian Culture Center which was a wonderful experience it was pretty much a sample of all the different Polynesian cultures in one show. Where we were staying there was an abundance of Asian people there touring and store owners too. I was disappointed to not see any really African American people besides the group I was with. 

So the week in Hawaii was good with good performances, good people, and a good hotel. I have pictures and hope to get some up soon. 

Now I've been dreading the end of the week because I'm stuck at my mother's house with no where to sleep and I'm already miserable and its only been a couple of hours. I have no corner or private place I can go and escape to write blogs or just to be away from my family... Last time I was here I got no sleep... 

So this is definitely my motivation to get a job... 

Aloha! Mahalo!

Updates

Ok so I have 10 days left at my apartment and now I can hear my echo cause its so empty. I have not started packing for Hawaii but I'll get that done next week. my semester is pretty much over with all the major papers and presentations turned in and done. Everything is wrapping up nicely but I still have no job!!!

I was offered a job and it's really good pay but it won't really work with my grad school class schedule in the fall. It has a week long training and I don't know if I should take the job and figure out what to do about work and classes in August or if I should tell the person who hired me now and see what he can do. But I feel like it is grimy to wait until August to let him know something I knew since he offered me the job. 

Now I'n just feeling some type of way... I mean going home means I have soo many limitations from the roommates I have to the job I get. I mean don't get me wrong I would do anything for my brothers and sister it's just difficult and I'm not even home yet. I was thinking the other day that it would have been wonderful to go to grad school in Florida and soo much easier to get a job cause all I would have to worry about would be me.

But I know that ship has passed and now I just need to concentrate on what needs to be done and do it. Soo much easier said then done.

Overall I am looking forward to the change and will try to take one day at a time.

Wish me luck!

Have you every felt stuck or cornered? How did you deal?

Job!

I'm soo stressed!!! I need a job like badly back home for the summer and potentially while in grad school. Job hunting is so difficult! I'm moving back to a big metropolitan area on the east coast and I can't find a job? It's kinda crazy, I know it takes time but I've been searching since February. I understand it is a process but I feel like I am running out of time. 

I did go home last Friday to bring some of my stuff from my apartment to my mother's house. I was excited to be home even though I was only there for a couple of hours. My main reason for coming home is because I had an interview that day and I got the job which is exciting but it's a full-time position with the same amount that I make now. I am grateful for the opportunity and for even interviewing me but my options are open though. I'm interested in a night job really so that from classes I cam go right to work then to sleep. I've been doing night shift so it has grown on me so I can hang.

No Job No Money 

No Money No Apartment

No Apartment No Freedom