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Closure

At my internship I talk to the people there because I feel very comfortable around them. I introduced them to my ex before she was my ex and they frequently asked about my relationship. I told them when thing weren't going well and asked them for advice. So when I told them that we broke up they told me the way I did it did not give my ex any closure.

I thought about what I could have done better or how I could have rectified what I did. I knew that I had/have a hard time communicating, so I had to ask myself why are you doing this? I came up with many reasons and said this is what I have to tell her. I have to sit her down and explain to her how I feel without blaming her for all that went wrong in the relationship.

Well I did and she explained her side and she understood where I was coming from. I went to my internship and they asked I told them what I had done and they said you still had not given her closure. I thought "What more can I do?", I figured that maybe I was not explaining myself to them efficently for them to understand. I mean I am not a mean person and if closure to them was being mean to her I did not want to do that. I felt like I've hurt her and would not want to cause her anymore hurt.

So I thought and thought about what to do and how to do it. I realized that I've given her enough closure for her to understand where I was coming from and me to understand her. I thought about my previous relationships and I pretty much did the same thing and the relationship was closed.

I thought and thought some more because if I did not know how to close an intimate relationship with someone it might actually affect my professional life. Because when I either have to terminate a client or move a client I need to close the relationship without leaving any windows open. So I opened a dictionary (actually) several and read what closure was. It said an act or process of closing something; a resolution or conclusion to a work or process. I analyzed what I did and how it would be different in a professional setting. I realized that not much would be different and I understood what needed to be done for someone to gain closure.

I did not understand at first what someone needed in order to gain closure because I've never been in that situation. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if I was in those shoes I would not make it a point to seek the closure from my ex but rather closure internally. Its harsh to say but I feel that way cause life happens and things do not always go my way.

So if someone has to leave me I know that I cannot force or beg them to stay, because they already made up their mind.

The battle within... part deux

Mind vs Heart the bell just rung. In they go... Mind wearing purple and Heart wearing blue. They pace around each other to figure each other out. Mind is acting quite cocky like it knows this battle is going to be a piece of cake. Heart is looking confident and is ready to start this battle. Mind and Heart sit down in front of the table with two pads, two pens and pencils, and two glasses of water.
The battle has just begun they seem very intense and thinking. Heart makes valid points and Mind has a come back. Heart goes in again but Mind pulls out some logic. They both seem to be getting frustrated Mind goes in with reason and gets shut down with Heart's ration. Really? Heart is irrational how did she pull that off?
I am trying to come up with a solution for me. Mind and Heart have been battling for too long. They need to come to some kind of agreement. Someone told me that I should let Heart deal with matters of the heart and Mind deal with everything else while staying in its lane. Easier said then done.
I can't just let my mind stop running the show. Is there some kind of AA meeting, or Nicotene patch for things like this? I need a step program to get my mind to stay in it's own lane.I have to find a way to stop this battle, I have to find a way to make peace with both my mind and heart.

~Evolving

End of the week

The week is over and my mind has been racing. This past week I learned alot about myself and I am happy that I did. I was able to laugh and experience someone's real self. I saw some true colors as well that has not come to surface until now and all I did was sit back and waited. I realize that things might not get any easier for me but it is ok because I accept it for what it is.

dense tension

I just need to YELL... I think that if I yell there maybe some good that comes out of it. I'm stressed and need sometime to relax. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated at times. It just seems like there is no end to this madness. It is not only school but it is life in general with school in the mix. I feel like my responsibilities are sometime too much and I really do not have time to MYSELF without anyone around. I think I would be more hopeful but I currently do not have any summer due to me taking classes this summer. This means no break for me until December. Today is definitely one of those days I need to yell to release some of this dense tension in me and around me.

It's my Anniversary!

I was a bit bothered last night so I came here to write about it. I did not know where to start or what issue to write about so I started alot of different topics but I was not satisfied. I saved the posts in my blog's waiting area with the rest of the unfinished posts. I scrolled down to look at all the other unfinished posts and I came upon this one. I realized that thi month will officially make it a year I started blogging and a year I started locking my hair. So I wanted to share with you a post that has been in my blog's waiting room since April 2008. Reading this blog I've realized that I've come a long way from the person I was then. I graduated, went to Hawaii, moved, came out to my family and friends, got a job, was in a relationship, started graduate school, left my job, left my relationship, and now I am here in April again. I am going to make a list of things I want to do before this time next year... Stay tuned for my To Do List.
FYI: I can tell you what the big deal is now :) I guess I needed that break...





The un-answered story of SEX
Today me and my best friend were on the phone talking about Sex and how I must be the only person on the earth that cannot seem to enjoy it. It is so weird that a couple of hours later I have my other friend in my house banging the mess out of this girl that is clearly not for him. Lets see I would rather be hmmm doing a lot than sex. I mean granite that my sexuality is in question for both you and I but the whole sex thing... been there and tried it and Um kinda boring. Its like the ecstasy that everyone talks about does not even graze my zip-code.

There was a time that I would have sex for the simple fact that I wanted to be "closer" to the person that I was with but the fact was they were just getting close to me that way. It clearly was not working out. So on my journey to find the Womyn in me, I decided not to have sex for the simple fact that I did not want to do it for just the pleasure of someone else but also for me. Well gyrl let me tell you that its been 2 years with so called temptations and not an arousal has sparked my interest in having sex.

Can you tell me what the big deal is?

We also started talking about the TV series The L Word... She has a new boo and he got her into the series so she was telling me about how much she likes it and stuff like that. Now I've watched a couple of episodes from different seasons but not a complete one (I'm trying to wait till i can buy at least 2 or 3 seasons). In my opinion she is a homophobe not as bad as my mother but its there. So while she was talking about the show I asked her if it's made her curious or changed her opinion about homosexuality. She said no she still only likes men.

Thursdays

In my bed I laid there this morning thinking about if I had anything to do. All I could think of was Thursdays are my days! I took them back about 2 months ago since I left my job. I was happy to take Thursdays back. Thursdays are really my only weekend, besides the fact that I cannot go out to the club on Thursday nights it is pretty much my day. I catch up on my rest and I have time to myself always on Thursdays. I woke up this morning excited that today was my day the sun was out and I could hear birds chirping. I hope that this day continues to be a wonderfully peaceful day.

The battle within... part un

I walked in this place, serene. I sit and meditate. I sit. Trying not to ask myself any questions, I sit. I have an epiphany. My mind and heart are in conflict with each other. My mind: rational. My heart: irrational. That is my block!, asking myself questions just gives either side more power in order for one side to win. In there it is a battle field. I figured it out all this time and I just figured it out. How do I stop the battle? How do I get them to realize that it is ok to live in one body and be happy. How can I get the battle to stop? I need to come to an agreement a settlement before my mind and heart hurt me. The stronger one is my mind rational and tough I feel like it has my best interest at heart. My heart not so strong it takes me on quests and journeys that my mind does not approve of. My mind does anything to protect my heart, my heart does not care. I have to find a way to stop this battle, I have to find a way to make peace with both my mind and heart.

My very short Rant..

I just finished reading NSpirit's blog and she talked about being pleasure hungry though thats not the only thing she talked about. It struck something in me and now I'm writing this blog. Yes I am pleasure hungry too... I need the pleasure out of pleasing someone. It is absolutely frustrating...

~Evolving

My Rude Alarm

So for the past week I have not heard my alarm go off, but i never bothered to figure out why it did not go off. It started bothering me cause I figured for some reason I was sleeping so hard I could not hear it. I've been waking up on time and fine but I still wanted to know what was going on. Last night I finally took the time to figure out why it was or was not going off. Come to find out in the PM my alarm was in the AM and in the AM my alarm was in the PM. The alarm time was right but the time time was wrong. I fixed it... This morning it woke me up and I jumped up out of bed and SNOOZED it, hopped back in the bed and waited for it to go off again. I did this about 3 times and finally i turned it off and got ready. On my way to work I realized that just because my alarm clock was so rude I refused to wake up. It reminded me of a time when I was little (elementary school) and my older brother kept waking me up. I made him soo mad by not waking up and acting like I was sleeping that he ripped the covers off of me and in the process he broke my lamp. Moral of the story do NOT wake me up rudely! (Im turning my alarm off)

Gliding

You know those insects that stand on top of the water and when they move it looks like they are gliding. they never submerge themselves in the water though. They stay on top almost like they are too good to get wet. When I see them in the pond I wonder why do they do what they do? (besides there is a place and purpose for everything an it's God's creation). I know they were built like that for a reason but whats the reason?
Sometimes I feel that way though. In any relationship I seem to sit on top of the water not ever getting submerged. I try to put my all in the relationships I struggle with it too but at the end I feel like not even one leg got submerged. I know what I do is not enough but I do not know how to make it enough. I know I have a hard time letting people get close to me to see my vulnerabilities some I don't even know about. I pull back, push away, don't let them get close, and then I leave. Sometimes I find a reason and other times I do not.
Although I try my hardest to make "this one" different it turns out the same. I run away! From what? I have no idea.I want to let my guard down for once and get a little wet, but I just don't know how. I am striving to exploring me and trying to learn and correct myself.
~Evovling