Wednesday Crush of the Week: Toshi Reagon

So I decided to start a blog once every hump day for a little boost to get you through the rest of the week. Hopefully it strikes conversation, blogging, gets you out of writers block, or maybe just as simple as a little eye candy... Enjoy!

Question

If I don't trust myself to love you, how can I trust you to love me in return?

Wednesday Crush of the Week: Stacey Dash

So I decided to start a blog once every hump day for a little boost to get you through the rest of the week. Hopefully it strikes conversation, blogging, gets you out of writers block, or maybe just as simple as a little eye candy... Enjoy!

F*&%# I messed up!

I can't fix what I did and Im afraid to go back because I might hurt her again. I involved someone else in my mess of a head and I hurt her, not just once but twice.

I entered something with her that I know now I was not ready for. I care about her and I don't want to do anymore damage. So I'm afraid of what the future might hold.

One problem I definitely have is communicating. I don't want to say just with her because it is frankly with everyone this is why:

1. I cannot tell you what is on my mind if you ask.

2. I choose my words so wisely that NOTHING comes out when you ask me a question.

3. I can't even tell you what I want with my words but I will express it to you with my actions.

4. If you start to figure me out, I end up pushing you away. (figured that out after I did it)

5. Like I blogged about before my head and my heart are in constant battle... my head tends to win.

The thing is I don't know how to fix it or even if I want to fix it. I know this is probably my walls I've built around me and I can't/ won't let anyone in.

The crazy thing I seem to fix everyone else's problems family or work related. But when it comes to mine there is no time or for some reason I don't. Like I said before I am afraid of what the future might bring with the one I hurt and in general. That fear is starting to do damage in my life.

I keep so much in you would think I'd have some answers... sad to say I don't.

Just exploring evolving...

Floetry: Fantasize

Going through...

I have been on a mission to talk to all of my friends (close and not so close) just to see how everyone is doing. I've talked to a few and it seems like all of them are at a turning point in their lives. They all have said that they feel like life is getting too hard for them and they feel like they are going to break down.

I was glad I called them if only I was a listening ear to them and if some how I consoled them. After getting off the phone with them I felt guilty like I have not been the friend that they needed. I felt like I was a let down and extremely self centered. I thought to myself and asked myself a whole lot of questions. Why didn't I call? When was the last time we spoke? How did it get like this? Questions at that moment and it seems even now I do not have the answers to them.

So I thought and realized that I never really learned (if it is possible to do so) how to be a friend. From preschool to now I am still learning how to be a friend. Back then not so much learning cause I did not have any friends, I did my own thing in school. But now I am learning.

You would think that in my profession it would be set in stone on how to talk to people and be a friend but that is not the case. We learn as social workers to be empathetic and sympathetic in just the right mixture to not seem too invasive for a moment or forever. I would say just the right mixture and a couple of trial and errors would make the perfect social worker.

Even though the book says this and you could test me on it, I still feel like a horrible friend. I care about people and their situations more than I tend to care about myself but when the moment or situation is over, I don't know what to do next. Conversations with me tend to get quite routine and going out all the time is not really my cup of tea.

Saying "I care" and "I am always here for you" is never enough to me because it just feels like "I Love You"... It is said so so sooo much that it kind of loses its essence. When talking to someone I don't want to sound like a broken record or they think I am saying something just cause that it the "appropriate" thing to say. I sometimes feel that way and its not a great feeling. All I can think in a time like that is they don't really care do they?

At times when I call my friends they are busy in their own lives. They do not have time for even a little chit chat. So i end up getting into my cocoon and shutting everyone out. Then there are times like these when I call a friend and they pretty much ask me why wasn't I there for them when they needed me... All I can say is I'm sorry I'll try to be there in the future. Do they believe me?

I need to work on my communication, I know it sucks terribly.

Just exploring Evolving...

India.Arie A Beautiful Day

Enjoy!

So I am 80% sure that I did not make much sense to you. I am not sure if it will ever make sense. This one is definitely for me! I am not on the same page or even chapter as you. I hear what you say and it sounds so sweet but I feel like I am running a mile a minute just to catch up to you.

I would love to be there right next to you, but I am not there. Frankly a month from now I feel like I will still be chasing your shadow. All the sacrifices you are willing to make for me is AMAZING! I want to do the same for you but right now I can't.

I am kicking myself because I should have known that I was not ready for something like this. But I felt ready, I thought my feelings for you were enough... I realize that it is not enough.

In my head all I hear is I can't, I can't, I can't... It's not that I don't want to it's not that I haven't tried. I need time not only everyday time, but mentally I need time. I need time to be clear headed and prepared. I don't even know if it is possible to be prepared. But I'll try to find out.

You know I cannot go feet first without thinking it through. You said that was smart but weird at the same time. This is actually for me, I need time to play catch up. No matter what other messages I give you this is what I need.

I hope you can understand...

Understanding just knocked

During the last about two months I've been getting phone calls, texts, and emails from my Ex. I've discussed with her the reason why I broke up with her but I guess the closure I gave her was not enough. Well she called me and explained to me what I've been waiting to hear (not actually but I really needed to here it). She told me that although I explained to her and she said she understood she really did not. but that now she actually does understand.

She understood that I needed the break from her to get myself together. That it was not her fault and that although she thought she could just take my pain away and know my problems will go away, she realizes that I need to deal with ME first.

When I heard her say that to me it just made me cry. She finally could understand where I was coming from and it made me feel like I was not alone anymore. I felt like someone in this world understood what Evolving was going through. She apologized for making me cry and I had to explain to her that it was not her fault.

At that point I felt like something must be seriously wrong with me for someone to understand that I am "going through".

Sometimes I feel like I am ok... just a rough patch that I need to sow up, but I never sow it up and the patch just gets bigger. I realized that I needed to hear it from someone else to confirm what was actually going on inside of me.
Affirmation is wonderful and sometimes I feel like I need that. Although I can tell myself a million and one times that I am doing alright or something, it is not the same as someone telling me that I am alright or something.

God, Family, School, and everything else

I worry too much. In high school my principal told me that in whatever you do this is the order 1. God, 2. Family, 3. School, 4. and everything else... That really stuck to me and now I am 24yrs old 6 years out of high school and I still follow that order.

When I was 8yrs old my life changed I went from daddy's little girl in the perfect family to me taking on some of my mother and father's role after my parents split up. So at 8 I was taking care of a newborn, cooking, cleaning, and making sure my siblings woke up and got ready for school.

Now I purposefully moved from from where I did my undergraduate work back to my hometown for my family and I would make that move again if it was for my family. Although we all grew up I never let go of the roles I had as a child. These rules are really apart of me now. I know the likelihood of my siblings to speaking up without me is slim and I know that they still need me and that is why I moved back.

I know its hard for someone on the outside looking in thinks this would be unusual that my siblings and I have such a close relationship that I take on some responsibilities that are not mine to take that I would sacrifice anything for them. Well I've been in a couple of relationships where they did not understand and one of my siblings in one now. And she has made him completely cold towards his immediate family.

I can only explain myself to make them understand and if they don't then they just don't understand.But God, my family, and school comes before any relationship. Because before "our" relationship my those three parts of my life were there and after the relationship (if we break up) they still will be there.They will be my strength, courage, and wisdom, they will be there when I cannot be there for them.

Recently my mother and my sister went to see my brother at his college which is about 6-7hrs away from my home town. I was in a relationship then and we planned a nice weekend together.The day my mom and sister were supposed to be coming back I got a call that they were in a car accident and they were in a car accident and they were in a hospital 5hrs away from home. My mother already secured a ride to bring them back home.

I was invited to go. I wanted to go soo bad but my health was preventing me to go. I declined and felt extremely bad that I did not go and get them. I felt like they could not depend on me when they needed me the most. I felt like I let them down although I could not go. I felt like my partner was the reason when she really was not the reason I did not go. But they came back safe, a little sore with an un-driveable vehicle but alive and well.

I worry everyday that my family will call me and wont be able to reach me and the one time that it really counts will be the one time I am not available. It scares me to know that I might not be there to help. I know one day that the person in my life the one I commit to will be apart of my family and I will do everything and be there for her as well.

I know that right now it is not possible for me to commit like I want to and it is hard because I love to cuddle, kiss, and hang out but I don't have the time.

Crazy Girls Rant I

So today I went in the office and there was something wrong with one of my co workers. I asked and asked but she did not want to tell me what was wrong. I asked the administrative assistant and she told me she was not going to tell me. Finally I guessed what happened and it had to do with her recent break ups (yes plural). She actually had a main squeeze girlfriend (MS)= living with her and a less needy girlfriend (LN)=not living with her girlfriend. She broke up with both of them within the span of 3 days. A couple of days later her mirrors...broken and tires... flat on her car. She was PISSED.

I knew that MS was getting on her nerves cause she used to complain to me about how she is sweet but talks about herself too much, likes drama, and how it is hard for her to do anything without MS ie. staying home sleeping, chilling around the house, dressing herself... She told me MS just liked to do for her and she could not be mad at her for it but at times it was excessive. I really did not here too much about LN but I knew that she did talk to her while she was at work.

Have you ever had a crazy girl incident?

When I heard this all I could think about is Shane's crazy girl from the L Word. Now I always thought that that girl shoud have known what she was getting herself into when she started messing with Shane. Most everyone that went to the planet has slept with Shane. But crazy girl made it a point to try and ruin Shane's life.

I understand that if you want more from a one or two night stand... Find a girlfriend and tell her that this is what you want. But do not go psycho on your one night stand or even a partner where the relationship did not work out. PLEASE ladies use your words not vandalizm or messing up someone's name to make yourself feel better.

It is okay to be upset and angry but life really does go on and get better... that person was clearly not for you. At any rate just my little half rant