Weathering the storm pt.1

My mother and I have been going through it. Our relationship through the years have been getting stronger but with me telling her that I'm a lesbian our relationship has gotten worse. She tells me that my girlfriend is hindering me from finding a good man to marry and have children with. She also tells me that I cannot be who I am because it is not right and my soul is on the line. 

I've tried to talk to her and explain to her how this is not my choosing but she says it is. It has been difficult to know that my mother does not accept me as who I am. She also thinks that who I am is because of the influences I had in college and she feels bad that she let me go away for undergrad. I don't know how to make my mother understand me and it hurts me inside to know that my mother is fighting a battle that Is not hers to fight. She even thinks my involvement with my sister is too much for my sister to handle at her teenage age. 

I am thinking about moving out thinking that that will make it easier on my mother and I. If we dont see each other everyday then maybe she can get through it with the many other problems she is carrying on her shoulders. But with moving my sister and I may loose the time we share because of my mother thinking that who I am is too much for my sister.

Right now I have no idea how to get through to my mother my words are not enough for her and my actions are too much for her to handle. I knew that my mother taking it well was only a phase and although I had time to prepare there really was not anything I could have done to prepare for this. 

90 day evaluation

it's been 3 months since my girlfriend and I have been official (as I like to call it). I can't say that it has been perfect but I can say it has been an journey. Everyday we learn something about each other and it is refreshing to know that I don't know everything. We've taken a couple of trips together to Atlantic City, NJ; Alexandria, VA; Rehoboth Beach, DE; and Maryland's Eastern Shore. I've met all her friends and some family as well, she has met my sister and one of my besties. I can say that we have fun together, she and I have taught each other alot about what we know and dont know. She has open me up to her world as a lesbian and I've open her up to mine. 

We work at the same job but not together and I am not out at work so our co workers dont know about her and I. This has caused a lot of frustration because since I am the new girl and no one knows I am a lesbian everyone talks to my girlfriend about me. Since I got there a couple of months ago the guys have started a bet on me and supposedly there is a big pot involved for the person that sleeps with me first. I can say my girlfriend has taken this really well considering the remarks they've made about me. But her and I agreed it would be soo much easier not to let anyone know. Through that our relationship has been getting stronger. 

I hope that our relationship continues to get stronger through the obstacles we might face in the future.

M.I.A.

Well it has been 7 months since I've been home. I've just finished my first semester in graduate school and although it was challenging I can say I made it through. This semester was not educationally challenging besides the expectations they had on writing skills. I felt like i was picked on by two of my professors who happened to be friends. They told my classmates that I should drop out of the program and that they are very concerned with my performance although I was doing what they asked of me. It got to a point that I broke down and cried knowing that even though I've done everything they still held my grade in their hands. I tried to go over their head and talked to the head of the graduate school program with no luck. 

This reminded me of Journey to Enlightenment's story about how in her program she was treated similar. I really did feel helpless at this point and I knew that they only way I could win this battle is to make sure my writing and work could speak for its self. Thats what I did and I ended up passing those two classes but I know that I would have to cross paths again with one or both of them before I graduate in 2010. 

I've been juggling 2 full-time jobs (school and work) and a part-time job (internship). It's been so time consuming that I haven't had time to really relax. No writing besides school work and no fun. So this winter break although short is going to be my mini vacation. I and going to catch up on some reading, relaxation, writing, and a couple of fun nights partying. I think it is well earned and I will try not to let my problems from this semester get in the way.

Coming Out...

So I am coming out to my family and friends... 

I told my little sister first because she and I are really close to each other. She was not shocked cause supposedly I've said things to hint at the fact that I don't like men. 

The second person I told was my girlfriend we met in college and have been friends for the past 5 years. She took it bad, cried, upset, and disappointed. She stopped talking to me for a while and when she came to she still couldn't understand but was kinda sorta accepting on top of a whole bunch of stereotypical question. 

I then told my mother next and at first she did not take it bad. She told me she knew that I got "introduced" to homosexuality in 2005. For the next couple of weeks it was alright. Here and there she would have stereotypical questions but thats all. 

The forth person I told was one of my guy friends. I thought he would take it the worst cause lately he has been growing and things he has said made me think he would take it bad. But I told him and he was pretty much like soo... when am I going to meet her.  I was glad he  took it so well cause I didn't think that I would have been able to take another bad experience. 

My other guy friend and I have been talking about this for the longest and I know that he has no problem with me being a lesbian cause he has said it and has openly talked to me about me. 

I know I have more things to go through but Im ready...

Stressed

I've been working at my job for the last 5 months and it is getting stressful with the type of job that I have. At a moments notice things change and I am doing overtime til things get situated, but this is the job I signed up for. With classes and my internship on top of that Im pulling more than 70hrs a week with only one day off to study. It is starting to get to me. I even started talking about finding a new job, I'm conflicted though. I am a very committed person and when I sign up for something it's for a while. On top of me liking what I do with these teens its hard to find a way to give it up. I know I can find another job like this but with the ties I've made so far it just makes me think. 

In my internship it is really frustrating, I have nothing to do and am pretty much an administrative assistant (not what I am going to school for). I've tried to advocate for myself talking to the appropriate people on top of everybody that will listen. I can't seem to find a way to get moved once again. My supervisor at my internship is never there and has no contact with me besides the occasional pop in with a Hello. I've asked to talk to her many times but communicating with her is nearly impossible. My internship advocate is friends with my supervisor so every time I come to him about something he covers for her. 

As of right now I feel like all the planning I did last semester was a waste cause nothing is really working out for me. I know that is life and its not supposed to work out exactly as planned but it feels like most things about moving back home is not working out. I am hoping that it is just a little speed bump that I am going through.

I am stressed...

Oh those motherly instincts...

You know as a kid when you did something and you had it set in your head that your mom will never find out but some how she does? She doesn't let you know but she drops suttle hints but not on purpose? Well I am kinda getting the hint that my mother's motherly instinct is kicking in. My mother is worrying more than usual which is pretty normal for her at times but she told me today that in what ever i do consult God and not to commit to something unless I am sure. 

It got me thinking on how much my mother knows about me and what she meant by the comment she made. I asked her but she told me just in general and would not explain any further. If she only knew I had so much to talk to her about. I feel like she would be such a friend to talk to in good or bad times but my sister who knows about me told me it wouldn't be a good idea cause she doesn't want to be band from seeing me or I her. I love my sister to death so for her I've been holding my tongue and its hard but ive been doing it.

Like I said before, since high school my mother always wanted me to become a nun. And now I think about that and how if she thought she knew about me then that would make a little sense for her to say, at least to me. My mom is a great person and I am her child so it is hard for me not to tell her anything. She tells me so much and teaches me even more but I feel like I am shutting a part of me off. In turn to protect my relationship with my sister and my mom from worrying about me on a religious sense. 

I asked her if she was open minded and I told her to think about the question and not to respond right away. Even though my mom answered my question about her being openminded and she said she was I didn't really believe her though. I felt like she was just saying that to get information from me. I can't wait until the time is right to talk to my mother. I am not sure that the she will be alright with it, but I am and that is all that matters to me. My mother's acceptance would be good but it's not mandatory...

Cry!

Sometimes you need a good cry things get frustrating and all you can do is cry about it. Monday evening I had that cry about all my frustrations with school, my family, work and just life. It sometimes gets to me and I can't help but to cry. I work so hard to make things great, I realize that I cannot plan everything. But even though I realize that, I still get disappointed that things don't work out the way I planned. 

But the thing is I'm happy I had the best time on Monday and I had someone to cry on and listen to all those problems I had. She encouraged me and let me know that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. At that point I realized I really did have someone special that no one could have been better fitting to walk into my life. From monday to now not much has changed besides the affirmation I got from my partner and thats good enough for me.  

Ahh life what an adventure...

I don't like to complain everytime I blog but this blog is about complaining. I've not been writing much cause there isn't even enough time to sleep at night ( 3-4 hrs a night hasn't been working well for me). But I can at least say that I'm happy in my personal life which has not been the case in forever... I'm in a relationship and we are both trying to take it one day at a time. We are learning so much about each other and from each other. We are trying to spend as much time as we can together but we both work and are super busy at times. Its crazy how life throws you such a curve ball that you don't know what to do with yourself and how to approach the situation. Well finally I've approached it with the mindset of not being afraid to fall cause if I am thats when i'll get hurt, its been working and I'm happy. 

So back to the complaining I've been having problems with my internship and right when I solved one problem another one has popped up. And it seems like the problem won't go away until I step on some people's toes to get what is best for me on top of maybe taking a grade that I did not earn for making another's job difficult cause I still have to deal with them in a class environment for the remainder of the semester. Since that isn't the type of person I am it is really difficult for me to do that but I know that to get the best outcome and education I have to do that.

Besides my internship classes are good, I'm starting to do some work but it still is not as much to make me say that yes I'm in grad school and its kicking my butt. My girlfriend has been very supportive of me, she says that school is important and that she wants me to do good. 

Ahhh life what an adventure...

Too good to be tru

Think about it... Have you every been in a situation where it just felt so surreal that you did not know if you wanted to believe it? You don't kno what to do or say so you keep it to yourself cause you know if you say something it might turn bad. Your mind is constantly racing trying to find some reason why it cant be real or some reason to sabatague something so sweet. It is hard to imagine that there is something soo good in your life but you try your hardest to just enjoy yourself. 

I'm going through that now and it's like wow! I had already given up and someone special came into my life. I've been saying that this is surreal and I don't know how to handle it but I'm cool with how things are going in my life. 

Its funny how you try to plan and plan and plan, and your plans go your way sometimes but not always. You try and plan every detail but you just can't. I'm glad that I can't plan everything and curve balls come into play at times...

I am still adjusting to the Graduate School, I thought it would be soo much more difficult. I don't know if it is because I am so occupied with work, school, and my internship that I haven't noticed the amount of work. But I've been worried about classes, I heard soo many stories in undergrad about how there is soo much more reading and work you have to do but to me it does not seem that way. I am still trying to sort out my schedule so that I can have free time and study time, but it is hard when for some reason my schedule keeps on changing.    

But I am soo grateful for the change and hope that there is more change to come. So I am trying to take one day at a time and adjust to this life that I just started living...

...

Im imagining an adventure so sweet

Just you and me 

that cant be beat

You've mused me

I was too concentrated on protecting my heart

Been treating my life like it should never start

But you came along unexpected

Calming me down just by your presences

That power you hold 

Not only I can see

Giving me the courage to move forward without fear and reflect on life

This feeling I feel is very new to me

I'm actually happy

But I'm ready to take that step to enjoy life

just walk beside me

And give me some encouragement to enjoy this adventure

life is complicated. It is not something we choose even though we have decisions to make in the process. I was talking to someone and she was talking about how we have a path in which we follow, during the course of following that path we have decisions to make. She then went on to talk about how if we made a different decision would we know the same people we know now? Or be where we are now? Accomplish what we have accomplished? 

I started thinking about this and how it relates to my life... What would it be like if i decided to go to Florida for graduate school or somewhere else? Would I be struggling with work, school, living arrangements, or socially?  Would I have made friends and would I still feel lonely? I can only imagine what it could be like. 

I was thinking about this and wondering what would really make a difference in my life. Would such a change happen because I chose a certain kind of sandwich over another? Or the clothing I wore for that day? Or is it the big decisions that matter? Like taking a vacation or a career move? Are those the things that alters our paths in life? Giving up or letting go of the opportunity to meet new people and experience new things and just learn without even knowing that we did such a thing.

New Beginnings

So I've been thinking about my life thus far and I can't figure out what I've actually done worth while besides my getting a Bachelors Degree. There is so much that I've wanted to do. I've been talking to people and they've been asking me about different things I've done in life.

Through these conversations I've realized that my experiences with people are not up to what it should be. Even though I know no one is the same. 

You know how they say that these years from your teens to adulthood should be the best years of our lives? Well for me it seems to me these years are the years I got things done and not any fun involved. I've worked and attended college and all that my experiences with people are not memorable. When will my life start? Someone told me that maybe my life is just starting and I might be going on a great adventure. Maybe this is true maybe because of all the hard work i put forward these past years it's time for me to have fun and ride the ride. 

The size of the room after 15 years...

Do you remember when you were little and your parents told you that they will explain something to you when you get older? You never thought that back then that day would actually come so you begged and begged for them to tell you explaining how grown up you were for being able to reach the cereal in the cabinet or touch the ceiling while jumping. Well for me that "when you get older" stage has come. Since I've been home my mother has been filling in the gaps of her and my father's divorce and stuff before that too. When she tells me these things I'm never really prepared. I don't ask her she usually just volunteers the information out of the blue. 

My mother has told me stories of reasons why they ended up divorcing and people in our lives back then and the true meaning behind their presence. I've asked my father several times for his side of the story cause I don't want to be bias to one side. But he refuses to give an explanation and tells me it's the past and I should move on. I was the biggest daddy's little girl growing up, until my dad moved out. I thought the world of both of my parents but there was something special about my father. 

Back then when I looked into the living room it was giant, it's own little world. I could do everything in that room from going from country to country on the couches to playing house. I thought that that room was soo big but now that I moved back I realized that the living room is just a living room. My expectations for that room was soo grand even though my imagination fufilled my expectations, it was just my imagination. 

I feel like the information that I've learned about my father has altered my perception of him. I understand that knowledge would alter anyone's perception but I was not expecting by this much. I was never too nieve growing up but you always think highly of your immediate family, it's like they cannot do any harm. 

I've been trying to get my thoughts out and make sense out of it but I've been unsuccessful but I've been listening to music and this has been one that I actually like...

 

Long time coming...

Hey everyone! I know it has been a long time since my last post. Well I've been stressing out about finding a job and now that I have one, I've already gotten a promotion in less than 3 weeks of working there, so the pressure is on. I am now trying to balance work and the reason I came back home... my sister. My sister is at that age where guys are starting to like her and she is starting to like guys. I try to stay out of it as much as possible to give her room to learn and grow, but occasionally she asks me for advice. I am glad that she feels comfortable to be able to come and talk to me in time of adolescent crisis. It has been hard and I feel like I have no time to myself and even though I am around people I love, I'm lonely. I guess everyone else has been on my mind and not myself. 

I am working at a group home with girls from 12-17 teens are a trip and a half just like adults. They will be your friend when they want something and your enemy whenever they feel like it. At times its taxing cause they love you and hate you at the same time but I already love the job. I go home after getting off of work and thank my mother for being who she is and taking care of me the way she did cause there are people less fortunate than me. The job lets me know that people don't change, there are 2 girls there that are there because of their sexuality and their parents could not deal with it. That really saddens my heart to know that there are people in the world so close minded that they would turn their back on their own child... it is sad. 

When I'm at work and get a chance I get online on my cell phone and read your blogs. This part of my life centers me and I like reading about you all. It makes me feel less lonely. I feel like I'm out growing my friend or on a different level than she is, so there is not anyone to talk to anymore. Which makes my loneliness grow even more. 

Decision making has and is very hard cause my sister is my #1 priority and taking the promotion in a way I felt like I let her down. I came here to make her adolescents better and easier than mine was and to get her out of the house more than before. I really came home to make my mom and sister's life easier and I hope my presence is accomplishing that goal. I even started contemplating how it would have been like right now if I was at FAMU but I can't look back I have to look forward. Now I have to think about saving my money to buy a home or renting cause of convenience... decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am adjusting to my surrounding well, I've been to a couple of lounges and a poetry night that was really good. I am still hoping that the semester comes soon though I really want to get back in the swing of things. I hope that soon I'll find a friend to talk to because right now I feel like I have no outlet from work, school, and my family.  

I miss music

I miss my group 

I miss the sounds 

I miss reading music

I miss the challenge of learning a new song

I miss performing

I miss concerts

I miss watching others perform  

I miss the uniform 

I miss the audience

I miss the lyrics

I miss the conductor conducting

I miss the art

Summer is the worst for me I can't perform... I need to go to a concert hall and watch a concert.

Commitment

Being at home my mom and I have had alot of time to catch up and talk. She told me things I never knew about the past and the separation/divorce which was almost 15 years ago. We also talked about the present and future, where we would find ourselves in 10 years and such. Now in high school and the first couple of years of college my mother did not want me to get involved with anyone. Her rational was that I needed to concentrate on my studies and that I was too young to understand what love was. After my junior year in college she started asking me who am I dating and when can she expect a wedding. 

I avoided these discussions like the plague, cause I knew what the end result would be. I would explain that i was not interested and that I am not getting married... big mistake. First, she tried to bring up that my life is already laid out by God and I really have no choice; Second, if i will not get married I should start planning when I would go to the convent to become a nun (born and raised Catholic). 

Well undergraduate is behind me and I am ready for graduate school which is right around the corner. So my mother has been getting at me to go out with my friends, meet people, and date. I really haven't come out to her but i think she is starting to hint at my sexuality. She talks about marriage, compromise, and children constantly and ignores my comments on those subjects. 

I started to realize on television shows and some of my friends would talk about how since they were little they dreamed/imagined this fabulous wedding and exactly how it will be. I never imagined or dreamed of the "perfect" wedding for myself. I am way too independent to think about committing myself to a person in that way. I also have little faith in the whole concept of "forever" as it is used in marriage/commitment ceremonies. Statistically half of marriages do end up forever but half of them don't. And not one couple in my family both mom and dad's side are still together... unless you consider my grandfather's many wives back home in West Africa. 

I am 23 trying to understand me, I am living in the present. The past just left me and the future is ahead of me. Right now I love the way things are going and am not thinking of a "forever" commitment... Maybe something or someone will change my mind the the future but right now i cannot imagine it. 

Lenelle Moise

I think she is a wonderful artist and I wanted to leave June on a good note. I'm supporting my fellow Haitian and artist. www.lenellemoise.com

Friends are like seasons they come and go pt.2

I've been going through some stuff as always with one of my friends. I've known him for about 11 years. We were really close friends back then and he was the only one I really confided in. During high school we had problems he started to like me more than a friend, I explained that my feelings for him was/is strictly a friendship ones. Since then our relationship never was the same. 

For the past couple of months no actually years really we have been speaking to each other on and off. We would argue about my relationships and what I should and should not do in my life. To me friends do not argue or judge or criticize (critiques on the other hand are fine). The arguments always felt stupid and pointless to me most of the time he put me down and judged me as a person in some way, shape, or form. I felt like every time I talked to him I was being policed asked where I went and with who and my relationships were always a problem. 

I really thought we had an understanding about how I felt towards him but I guess I was wrong.  It saddens me that I have to throw away a friendship that lasted so long but I cannot keep putting myself through this. I feel like my friend should be there to encourage, support, be a shoulder to cry on if need be, tell them when they are wrong, and give advice. To the best of my ability I've been there for him in those ways but his reciprocation of that behavior is judging me. For these reasons I have not made an effort in going to see him since I came back in town. 

Well I'm at my tipping point I've done everything I could to salvage our friendship but I guess I was trying to hold on to the past in doing so. Like I said in an earlier blog Friends are like seasons they come and go. Well this long season has just ended. All I have left is stories to tell cause I cannot continue.

I feel wrong letting go, but to keep me evolving its the best thing I can do for myself. A strong person can only take so much harm before reacting and this is me reacting... 

-Evolving

Just one of those days...

So Im having just one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong... car trouble, friends, and the list goes on.... Im sitting here listening to Michael Jackson's Man In The Mirror... I changed the lyrics to fit me: 

I'm starting with the womyn in
the mirror, I'm asking her to change
her ways;
and no message could have
been any clearer,
if you wanna make the world
a better place,
take a look at yourself, and
then make a change!

I don't want so much as to change who I am but its making me feel a little better. If you haven't heard the song please download it, it really will make you think about YOU which sometimes we all need to do. Im learning more and more about myself as Im thinking too...

Meeting People

I am not much of a social butterfly and my scenes do not involve frequent visits to the local gay clubs or any, maybe a poetry night or two not often. But I am interested in meeting people. In an earlier blog I talked about signals and me trying to use them to tell someone who I was. I don't know if that would help or not.  But I do want to meet people. 

I was watching the latest Cherry Bomb  vlog about "Gender Roles" and I am not into gender roles for me or anyone I am interested in... its whatever. It is much more to me than the clothing you decide to wear. I've notice in my area that is all you see someone being super masculine or super feminine not too many in-betweens like me. I guess that among other things like not being a social butterfly is making it harder for me to meet people around here. 

In undergrad I did not have much of a problem but i think it was the lack of interest in meeting new people. Now I want to have a couple of people I can just hang out with to just chill and have a decent conversation every once in a while without me having to worry about close minded remarks. 

I don't know it feels like I have certain friends and those friends and I get each other on different levels. Like its to that point we dont have to say anything to each other but we know what we are thinking. In my opinion thats a friend. But I feel that my friends are not ready for me to be all of me. When I start talking about California and the legalization of same sex marriages, Thomas Beatie, or just Pride 2008 or anything really dealing with homosexuality... This wall is put up and they just quickly find a way to exit the conversation. I want to have friends that are around I can talk about anything without all that. I'm still feeling cornered and am still looking for a way out. 

-Evolving

Soo... Im Confused, Contradicting, and Indecisive

Soo... Someone brought to my attention earlier this week that I am confused, contradicting, and indecisive. I did not take offense to these comments because I already admitted to myself that this is how I am. I've learned to deal with it and i improve daily. I personally think that in all of us is a little indecisiveness and that all of us can be contradicting at some point. We have to be don't we? To really know what you want in life don't you have to experience life a little? from your dreams, aspirations, fantasies, wishes, and imaginations you experience it then you realize that "well i said that I should like this but it turns out that this is not for me". I don't think anyone knows who they are until they grow and learn from their mistakes.
Before I used to take offense to those comments and say to myself why are you like that. It felt like the people who were telling me these things were attacking me, but I realized that I cannot do much about it because I am learning something new about myself everyday. With that I grow stronger, wiser, and less contradicting.
I'm opinionated, strong willed, motherly, and some say I am mean. It is hard for me to wear my feelings on my sleeve, to get hurt no matter if it is just a scratch... still hurts. I fight when I have to and care about everyone. I think the hardest thing I ever had to do was to learn who I am, for real. It's worse than taking an upper level college course. The chapters are out of order, quizzes are at anytime, and reports due at a moments notice.
I am ready for whatever life has for me.

Summertime

Summer is here and so far it has been great. I love this state compared to others because Maryland has all the seasons and the seasons are not too extreme like some. Our winters are not death chilling and our summers are not fire catching. All around this state has been good to me and I see no reason to think about living in any other state. 

Attraction pt.2

In one of my previous blogs titled Signals I talked about how I've been trying to pretty much get this girl's attention. Well I did the funny thing is she had a hunch about me all along. I asked her if she did then why didn't she say anything and she told me she did not because she was shy and if it was not the case it would have been embarrassing for her, which is understandable because I would have felt the same way.

So I am currently talking to her and when I told my guy friends about her the first thing they asked was is she cute? and what features are big? I got offended because that's not at all what interests me about her or any other person. She is more than just her body. I know I got offended because men have and still treat me like I am just a pretty face or amazing body, something stupid like that and they could care less about how I'm feeling or my views on life and the many things that interest me. So when they kept on badgering me on how she looks or if they met her before, I just dropped the subject all together. 

My girlfriend who I've been keeping in the dark about this, thinks that the lighter the complexion the cuter a guy gets. Really? She tends to date guys cause of their looks and then they end up treating her badly. How do you pick people to date? Looks? Personality? Other? Let me know! 

Anyway this girl and I have so much in common that I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. She is smart and fun and all around pretty cool. The down side is we live pretty far away from each other, I mean like a couple hours away. Now that is not a problem with me but I know alot of people have a problem with long distance anything. For now Im just gonna see how this goes. We are actually planning on hanging out and cause of the distance it is basically up in the air. 

My friend and I were talking about texting and the many joys i find in it and the dislike he has for texting. He thinks it is so much easier to pick up a phone and talk to someone specially when you are not doing anything. Where as I find it soo much easier to text then talk on the phone cause of interruptions. What do you think? Would you rather text or talk on the phone? Do you think if two people text rather than talking that it is or is not a healthy relationship?

Thinking outloud

This was a while ago but it has been on my mind:

I was talking to one of my long distance friends and he asked me if I knew anyone who was homosexual. I thought it was a random question cause of the way it came up in conversation and I  felt myself tense up like he was insinuating something about me. Some how that passed and we started talking about Staceyann Chin and Thomas Beatie (he hadn't heard of either). He was so torn to hear Staceyann's story on Opera and I was too. It makes me cry everytime I hear it I'm first generation in the United States and I've never been home but if I couldn't live with my family it would hurt me so much I don't know what I would do with myself. But I'm glad that Staceyann is doing something meaningful to herself and inspiring to others.

After we got off the phone I started thinking about how I felt when he brought up sexuality, it's weird cause when other people bring it up I don't act like that. But this time I felt like there was a secret of mine that he discovered and he was calling me out on it. Then I read Journey_Wmn's blog linking us to Jasmyne Cannick's blog about the female student getting ready to graduate that came out to her parents and has practically been disowned.  It said how parents most often then not have a feeling that their child may be homosexual. 

That intrigued me and really made me think that if parents might have an idea about their children then friends probably hunch at it too. 

I've started to notice that my mother has been trying  to push me into relationships or to become a nun which ever comes first. I've expected this to come after I graduated but its still a little shocking, but i know in life i cant always please my mother. I can't really say that my girl friend notices though. We've been friends for 5 years and there are just things that we used to do as friends that we don't do as much anymore, I don't know if it is because we are not around each other as much or we've just grown apart. With my guy friends it is different I seem to be more open with them on who i am I can't say that they both accept that but it is what it is. One of my guy friends seems to hate hearing about who i like and all but i can understand that. I just don't talk to him as much as I used to. So my guy friends don't hunch at it cause they know but i'm still weary about my girl friend. 

I've come to realize that what people think is not going to change who i am they may assume and question though...

 

Following and Leading

So on my trip to the airport I was driving I noticed that i try to catch up to the car in front of me. I really do think it is unconsciously but i still try to. What's up with that? If you relate that to life it sounds like I'm always trying to catch up to someone ahead of me. But clearly thats not the case I set my own goals and my own dreams. If i did try to catch up to another car/ person then they would either slow me down in some way or their path would lead to something undesirable. Are we all leaders or do some follow/ catch up to others? If following someone is our goal than its a tainted goal with no expectation for the end result.

Signals

So I've been sending all these signals to the this person that i like cause i don't have to courage to come out and say who i am and how i feel. I'm hoping she will figure it out on her own and i know that that is risky cause she maybe wrong. But why does it feel so much easier than coming out and saying who i am and how i feel? Society has given me all these tools for the to use to "make things easier" but does it complicate the situation with all these signs symbols. I was reading something on AfterEllen about wearing purple colored wristbands to indicate your sexuality. Sounds easy everyone knows your sexual preference only if they know what the purple band means. But if they don't they themselves might start to rock purple wrist band cause they look so hot on you. 

Is it easier to rock symbols, signs, and colors then telling someone this is who i am? 

AlOhA!!!

I'm Back! It has been such a crazy month to say the least... So I did not take my laptop with me to Hawaii and in a way I am glad that I didn't it was like a vacation from the everyday use of my computer. I did get on the computers at the hotel for the occasional facebook check and to check my grades, but overall it was nice. The group sang and a couple of locations and the performance was pretty good we had a captivating audience. We also got to see the island and went to the Polynesian Culture Center which was a wonderful experience it was pretty much a sample of all the different Polynesian cultures in one show. Where we were staying there was an abundance of Asian people there touring and store owners too. I was disappointed to not see any really African American people besides the group I was with. 

So the week in Hawaii was good with good performances, good people, and a good hotel. I have pictures and hope to get some up soon. 

Now I've been dreading the end of the week because I'm stuck at my mother's house with no where to sleep and I'm already miserable and its only been a couple of hours. I have no corner or private place I can go and escape to write blogs or just to be away from my family... Last time I was here I got no sleep... 

So this is definitely my motivation to get a job... 

Aloha! Mahalo!

Attraction pt. 1.3

Not so much an continuation just a blerb...

I've been attracted to this gyrl that has been in like alot of my classes for the past couple of semesters. We kinda had to work on a project together a couple of days ago so we got to talking and she 's really cool and down to earth. Now I'm crushin hard and I think she likes me but I'm not sure. Timing is soo bad too we are both graduating and she is staying here for grad school and I'm going home. With only one more time to see her (we will be taking an exam) dunno how I'm gonna explore this more. 

Updates

Ok so I have 10 days left at my apartment and now I can hear my echo cause its so empty. I have not started packing for Hawaii but I'll get that done next week. my semester is pretty much over with all the major papers and presentations turned in and done. Everything is wrapping up nicely but I still have no job!!!

I was offered a job and it's really good pay but it won't really work with my grad school class schedule in the fall. It has a week long training and I don't know if I should take the job and figure out what to do about work and classes in August or if I should tell the person who hired me now and see what he can do. But I feel like it is grimy to wait until August to let him know something I knew since he offered me the job. 

Now I'n just feeling some type of way... I mean going home means I have soo many limitations from the roommates I have to the job I get. I mean don't get me wrong I would do anything for my brothers and sister it's just difficult and I'm not even home yet. I was thinking the other day that it would have been wonderful to go to grad school in Florida and soo much easier to get a job cause all I would have to worry about would be me.

But I know that ship has passed and now I just need to concentrate on what needs to be done and do it. Soo much easier said then done.

Overall I am looking forward to the change and will try to take one day at a time.

Wish me luck!

Have you every felt stuck or cornered? How did you deal?

Group Projects

I need to vent...

I HATE GROUP PROJECTS!!! Oh my gosh the worst thing any teacher can put on any syllabus. There is always that one who does all the work or a group where people leave out some individuals it's just all around a mess. I would rather write a paper no matter how many pages than to ever do a group project even if it is within friends.

It's sad that I hate them so much cause my profession calls for it but for a class grade I hate them! 

Am I the only one?

Friends are like seasons they come and go

Reminiscing to freshmen year I remembered all the new friends I made and some I lost. In high school one of my friends told me that friends are like seasons I did not understand at first but now I do (she and I are no longer friends). Freshmen year of college I met people that were similar to me and their similarities really did bring us together. My roommate and I lived together, these two girls I knew from rehearsal and class became the people I hung out with outside of performances, class, and my room. We shared secrets, we cooked, we ate, we just bonded with each other and that brought us close together. 

But there was something that set me apart from them. after the first semester I began distancing myself from them and by my third semester in college the only on that I hung out with was my roommate. What set me apart from the rest? One of the girls and I are still see each other in our performance group and there is soo much animosity built up between us that if it came to it, we would yell at each other or worse fight (which I have no intentions on doing). How did I let it get to that level?  In a class I'm taking this semester I just learned about the group called ACT UP, they were founded in New York in the late 1980s. They are an HIV (back then AIDS) coalition check the website out www.actupny.org in the beginning their symbol was an upside down pink triangle (Nazi training camp symbol to recognize gay men) and under it read SILENCE = DEATH (powerful right?). 

Think about it... silence=ignorance, ignorance=fear, fear=hatred, hatred=violence, violence=death. I related that to this girl and I, we just stopped talking to one another and after a time it just festered and became this huge thing that's really nothing. I was thinking that the ignorance between us really did us in, I felt like she was lying to herself. I know that's very judgemental of me but let me tell you how it was. Its like being the kid who gets picked on in school and you can't stand the people who pick on you so much, but then you become them, What kind of sense does that make? None to me that's why I felt that way. 

Now I really don't think it is necessary to fix this relationship between us cause of the way she acts towards other members in the group even teachers. In this case she is a season and now I can't see how we were ever friends. She was put in my life for a reason but I don't know why, I can't think of what I learned from her.

My roommate and I are still friends we have our moments when we are not talking to each other but over all we are really close. I do believe that she shares alot with me and some how I've gotten away with not sharing everything with her about me. I love her to death but in my opinion she can be close minded (like my mother) and I can't share something with someone that will judge me or what I stand for. 

To you: What happened to those friends you had in high school or college? You know the one that you were soo close to but not anymore? What happened between you two to separate you from them? Did you learn from them? What set you apart? let me know

~Evolving 

Aloha

I'm going to Hawaii for a week in May and I'm excited. I've never been and hope to get alot out of the experience. Its not an all fun trip its me and a group of musicians and we are going to musically delight anyone who wants to listen there. Every time we go on tour like this I learn so much more about myself. Its 7 days long and by the 4th day I start spending more time by myself, I don't understand yet why I do that but maybe I'll understand just a little more this time. 

I don't have much in common with my fellow musicians besides music and so it would be hard to hang out with them and have fun. It was funny cause we first had 4 people to a room, so I had some roomies but now it is 2 to a room. I'm kinda the odd Womyn out in the group so now I have no one to room with (great for me but not if  someone gets randomly stuck in a room with me). Anyway I will find ways to have fun and learn something too.

I don't consider this a vacation cause I still have work to do but it will be a refreshing break. Don't worry I just bought myself a digital camera (my first camera) and I'm going to take lots of pictures so that I can show you the beautiful scenery. I'm thinking about bringing my laptop but its new too and I paid alot for it, I don't want anything to happen to it but the hotel has WiFi (so tempting). Its tempting cause I know I'll have alot to talk about. Should I bring it? 

Can't wait to go just have to get through the next 3 weeks with moving, classes, job hunting, and work... 

I love to reading and since it is going to be a 15hr flight I want to stock up on some books any suggestions?

Tracy Chapman

Is my all time favorite artist. She is very talented playing all the instruments she does and I can really respect that cause I am also a musician. 

When I see her live (on YouTube that is) I always wonder when and how did she come to the moment when all made sense? I think about how I came to the realization that the world is not what it seems. I have to really look at it with eyes wide open to actually see what is going on. I couldn't afford to be closed minded about the world. I admire that Tracy Chapman is who she is. She inspires me to further look for the Womyn in me.  

Imagine

So I'm driving to my internship and it's quite a long drive. I started thinking about love and how a person cannot truly love another without empathizing with another which gives you the ability to imagination. It then dawned on me that I might have lost my own imagination to reality. I consider myself to be real person and think of all the possibilities in any situation leaving nothing to imagine. So it seems that reality has moved into my designated section for imagination. It was saddening to realizing that and I morned the demise of my imagination. Then I started thinking of ways to gain that back and I've come up with nothing so far. I empathize with others but when it comes to me I seem to be lacking. Do you have to empathize with others as well as yourself to be able to love? When imagination is lost can you gain it back? Do you still have your imagination? 

Big Brother

Okay Okay I know... I'm really digging this show it is the second season that I've watched... My hero in the household for this season was James! but he was such a threat the whole house ganged up on on him and evicted him but he put up a good fight... Now I like no one in the house but I'm soo glad they just evicted dumb butt Natalie! she makes people in college look like idiots like her. 

I think that if I were on this show I would be most like Sharon cause I the quiet type to but that would probably be in the end a bad thing cause the other house guests wouldn't get to know me.

Anyway enough about Big Brother for now til they announce the winner.

Job!

I'm soo stressed!!! I need a job like badly back home for the summer and potentially while in grad school. Job hunting is so difficult! I'm moving back to a big metropolitan area on the east coast and I can't find a job? It's kinda crazy, I know it takes time but I've been searching since February. I understand it is a process but I feel like I am running out of time. 

I did go home last Friday to bring some of my stuff from my apartment to my mother's house. I was excited to be home even though I was only there for a couple of hours. My main reason for coming home is because I had an interview that day and I got the job which is exciting but it's a full-time position with the same amount that I make now. I am grateful for the opportunity and for even interviewing me but my options are open though. I'm interested in a night job really so that from classes I cam go right to work then to sleep. I've been doing night shift so it has grown on me so I can hang.

No Job No Money 

No Money No Apartment

No Apartment No Freedom

Attraction pt. 1

Finally some normalcy... I actually felt quite deprived for the last 2 days from my computer and the internet. I've been traveling and just got back and am stuck at work for a few more hours. I've been thinking on the many to and fro rides this weekend about my life past, present, and future. I came up on this professor that taught me my freshman year and with the help of her I went a long way I believe. I was able to be her assistant after the semester she taught me and she also gave me a job for the summer. She helped me grow in a way and I felt like she and her family was my family at school. 

Now looking back I feel that I was oblivious about alot of things and with this professor there were no clear boundaries set between us, which I now know was a terrible idea from a professional prospective. So one summer that I was working for her I commented on her jacket cause I had a similar one and she went out bought me the same jacket she had on and bought herself the one I had (not expensive... but still). I did not think anything of it until one of the other student workers of many she hired came to me asking me questions about the kind of relationship me and this professor had. The professor had a way of dressing butch all the time. They assumed since she dressed the way she did, I was with her all the time, and she hired me to work closely to her there was some kind of pederastic relationship between the two of us.

I denied it cause there truly was not any relationship besides her being my former teacher and me just being able to come to her and talk to her she was then and is my friend. It got to a point where the comments were getting to me I stopped wearing the jackets and eventually trashed the other one that I actually bought myself. The rest of the summer I did not hear as many comments but I still heard a few. From then on rumors went around about a fatal attraction relationship years ago between this professor and one of her female students. 

I started to believe all the hype and after that summer I did not talk to her for a long time. For a while I thought about what happened and what I did and what was said about me. I was so angry because I then felt like a person taken for a fool and enraged at myself for being so blind. Since then I've started communicating with her again and its like that period of no communication never happened. 

Sitting in my car I thought about her and the relationship we have now, I've come to the conclusion that the relationship now or before is not a pederastic one but a pedagogic one. I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet her and learn from her. 

This came about because I hear people talk about they realized they were attracted to their same sex at blank age or would tell stories about this time when they saw this person and knew they were different. Well I am trying to figure if I have one of those moments. You know how people have this radar about people and how they are a certain way and I feel like this teacher knew me before I know/knew myself. But sometimes I feel like I'm digging for something that is not there though.

I am attracted to womyn and I've told a select few people ironically all guyz and they haven't yet taken me seriously. I feel like my professor knew before I realized it myself. Or maybe this feeling has always been there and I just put it in a category of something else. I mean I always used to tell females that they were pretty model type and stuff like that but I really don't think that was attraction merely just complements, if it was it was subliminal. 

Questions, Questions, Questions???

2BC I'm still at work ready to pass out from the tiredness I gotta find something to do to keep awake... Still searching for the Womyn in me...

Introduction

Sorry I've been soo rude... I never introduced myself or anything. Well for now my name is Evolving, I am 23, and I am a soon to be college graduate in a month's time ( I can finally call myself a Professional and put letters behind my name!). I am going to attend Graduate School in the fall and I am anxious, nervous, and excited to do so. I started packing my stuff cause I am moving back to my hometown and am soo desperately not trying to move back home to my mom's house.

I decided to write this blog cause I needed someone to talk to in away if that makes sense. I've never been good at keeping journals/diaries but this does not seem like one to me (hopefully it works).  I am struggling to make sense of me and my purpose in this thing called life. I feel that I cannot talk to my family or friends cause I've tried and they think I'm just being complicated on purpose. But really its just me trying to make sense of things. My sexuality is in question and I realized that when I decided to go to Grad School back home I pretty much pushed myself into a corner where I won't have as much freedom to search for the Womyn in me. But I had to, I love my family to death specially my siblings and my decision was for my siblings. 

My plan was to got to school in Florida and have the freedom to do whatever pretty much. I would be able to be myself whoever that may be for the day and not worry about embarrassing my family or someone else. So it did not go that way and I know there is a reason for everything and maybe me making this blog won't make me feel so cornered. 

Again my name is Evolving and I am searching for the Womyn in me, I welcome you to my page and hope to learn from you as I learn from myself...

Daydreaming of Dreaming

Things going through my mind don't know what to do. 
Daydreaming of dreaming about you. 
Distance not a problem in this dream,
its in person just you and me. 
I want to tell you my secrets are you willing to listen? 
Sky's the limit I'll follow you the distance. 
To a place with no problems, no worries, and no cares. 
All I want is you to be there.

UPeople

So I am totally into the UPeople experience... I started to watch it and fell in love with it. I don't know what episode is my favorite yet but I'm in the process of figuring it out. It is true I bet if I really think about it I go through at least 3 experiences a week. I went to private school all my life and it was predominantly Caucasian. When we were in History/Social Studies slavery would always come up in some chapter. Of course me being one of 2 or 3 people of color in the classroom everyone would give us the look like they apologize for what was done to the slaves. Or they would stupid stuff like your hair doesn't grow does it? or it can never get long right? What in the World! How ignorant of you to say such a thing out your mouth!... yea that is my UPeople moment! But go to the website www.suckaforlife.com and tell me what your favorite is...

Oh I got my favorite its BK Girl in Amsterdam. Home gyrl with the glasses the Caribbean one she is HOT. I'm glad she told her story it gave me some inspiration, my mother is Caribbean and her and I have gotten into many discussions about sexuality and it never ended pretty. So for her tell her story I can really relate. Anyone know her tell her to message me ;)

Manic Mondays...

I had an epiphany this weekend that I AM GRADUATING! It really just clicked maybe cause I did not want to admit it or that I was just me waiting to decide what college I am going to attend for graduate school. College was quite interesting not at all what people say it is supposed to be. You know how people say you party hard your first two years and "find yourself" especially in the GLBTQ community some people see it as a time for first experiences with the same sex and all. 

I can't lie I did start digging for who I really am but I really have not found that answer and I am still searching for the Womyn in me....

I am anxious that it is almost over I did learn alot but I still don't know alot and am willing to learn more where ever Graduate School might take me.